Suicide Anonymous

Gabriella

My mother would have told me, to leave well enough alone. You're breathing, you're in college, enduring a passive aggressive relationship with a man you hardly even love anymore. You're fine, you're really fine Gabriella, let it be.

My mother always had her way with words, and forced compliance from those she slays with her suggestions. And all I could think about was what she was going to say when she finally got around to visiting me.

“Well, it looks like the blood thinners are doing their job, give it about a month or two and you should be in good shape. Regarding your lungs Gabriella, you're going to have a significant amount of scar tissue once this is all said and done. It's going to be painful, and could increase due to a high volume of physical, strenuous activity. Though I do encourage you to live an active lifestyle, I strongly suggest you do it lightly. Okay?

Now, I'm going to be prescribing you the blood thinners so you can take personally at home. I feel it is better that you are supervised, by someone you trust to inject the shot through your belly. I am not oblivious to your suicide attempt, I also suggest therapy, it never hurts to talk to someone about your problems.

As for you being discharged, Friday is the day. I'll have a doctors note for your classes, but you will not be returning until after our follow up appointment in about three to four weeks.

Now do you have any questions?”

I stared at the balding man in front of me numbly. Whatever he said to me went through one ear, and exited the other.

My brother anxious, and fear stricken stuttered, and desperately staggered for a plausible thought out sentence.

“Wh-what about the coma she was in. Is that going to happen again, and if it does do-do I ca-call you? The cops, I uh, I..”

“Mr. Parsons, I highly ensure the coma will not return. We put your sister in a medically induced coma, so that we could heal her properly. She is coma free, I can assure you. Is there anything else concerning you?”

He smiled kindly at my brother, as I continued to stare blankly out of the window. Zoning their conversation regarding my health completely out, because honestly I didn't care.

I was expecting to see an eternal darkness, to be frozen in an unforgivingly freezing cold. For my thoughts to be stilled in stone not once moving carelessly.

But yet I remain, wishing Takumi didn't have his second heroic thoughts about helping me off myself. Leaving, like my mother always says, leaving well enough alone. He did more harm than he did good.

“Thank you so much Dr. Reyes, I greatly appreciate everything you have done for my little sister.”

“No thank you Dallas, Gabriella is very lucky to have you, take care you both, we will speak soon.”

Closing the door softly behind him, I pulled my knees to my chest. Prepared for Dallas’s scolding.

He tended to do that far more often than my own mother and father, which I resented, but it truly didn't much matter anymore. When my brother got into his parenting pants, there was no shutting him up.

I watched him pace the hospital room in reluctance, it was hurting him more to see me alive, than it probably would me being dead.

Because now he can actually talk to me, and he was reluctant in finding out why I wanted to kill myself. Putting his pacing to a halt, he stood in front of the foot of the bed, with his vein filled meaty hands on his wide, slim hips. My eyes shooting to his name branded sneakers, and ripped denim jeans.

Awaiting his voice to shout, and demean.

But instead, he took a seat. And stared.

He was going to force an explanation out of me his old school way. He knew I hated being stared at, and he did it with a constant vengeance. Yet despite my efforts in ignoring him, I could practically feel his groomed brows furrow with determination.

This was really the first time I seen my brother in three years, and I was frankly more disappointed than he was. That we had to have our great reunion in a hospital.

Twenty minutes passed by, almost as long as it took for a century to stumble into the midst. Sighing, I ran a hand through my tangled curls, and collapsed my upper body onto my knees.

“I like your shoes. They look new.”

Still afraid of looking my brother in the face, I chewed my lip nervously.

I knew he was beyond pissed at me, and no matter how hard I tried to ploy to his good side, he wasn't having it.

“Got them a couple months ago.”

“Why ya wearing them now?”

“I honestly don't know. I was going to donate them, but I donated half of my collection last year, and I'm still recovering.”

“That was probably a thousand Dallas, you own more shoes than mom.”

Coming together in a joint lovely sound of laughter, our smiles strayed about for a moment after. “I don't even know I stopped counting after five hundred. I didn't need that many in the first place, and besides I didn't need the money either, so there was no use in selling them.”

Kicking his feet up to show them off I touched the tip of his matte black, and sparkly gold sneakers. “These probably costed more than my life.”

“Your life is worth more than you bet it for. You just choose not to realize it, so eh, probably not.”

Swallowing my response, I traced the golden plate, smoothing over my absentminded smudges, and greasy fingerprints. Disregarding my stupid comment he still smiled.

“When you get out of here I've got a surprise for you.”

“Well I for damn sure hope it's not a five o'clock appointment with a crazy shrink.”

“Even though you seriously need one, no. It's something you'd like. I know it's been three years, but I still know how to get your tummy tumbling with laughter. I hope you didn't get all wiz kid on me in Atlanta, college kid.”

Dallas’s smile is contagious, and it always swarmed around me, defeated my defenses, and tackled me to the ground. I couldn't stop myself when he was around, regardless on how I was feeling. The amount of pain that was stabbing through my body as I attempted to calm myself from laughing too much, didn't shake the smile.

“I missed ya gatsby.” His smile fading as his tone grew grim, he glanced back up at me, his blue eyes the color of a beautiful glacier. They sparkled with his stranded tears, stuck in between falling, and holding on for dear sanity. I broke his heart, I know that I did, and I was reasoning with myself. If this was a good thing, me, being alive so that I could piece it back together.

The only thing that truly troubled me was, I couldn't apologize for something I wasn't the slightest bit of sorry for doing.

“But one thing that hasn't changed about you, is that you're still selfish as fuck. Just like mom and dad, you can care less about how everyone is affected by your reckless ass decisions. What the hell is wrong with you? I tried to keep my thoughts to myself because Gabriella I'm so damn mad at you right now.

And it hurts to just keep pushing them back for your sake, because one thing I learned about being a Parson; is that if you're not caring about someone's feelings then you're doing the right thing, so damn you.

Someone dropped you off in a ski mask, I'm going to find out who, and I'm going to beat the living shit out of him. I'm getting Don, I'm getting Gio, and I swear I'll kill him.”

“You don't even know what he did, he took me here. He saved me, that's what Dr. Reyes believes, so should you, stop overreacting Dallas. Just...just let it go alright? I'm here now, can't go anywhere. And I really don't want to argue with you right now, so either shut up, or leave.”

Letting the tears flow like a never ending river, he jumped up in a second, grabbed his coat, and slammed the door behind him.

Rolling my eyes, I tossed myself to the crunchy hospital bed, and curled into a ball, regretting everything I said to him. Watching him cry over and over again, until I fell asleep to the thought of hoping it was just a hellish dream, that this, me being alive, was all a lie.

But I knew that it wasn't.

It took four days, but the day finally arrived. And the look on my brother's face still haunted me, and it didn't shake. Even when I saw him smiling, as he pulled up in his Cadillac.

The image of his tears, and his saddened frown, flashed every second my eyes laid on him. And that contagious smile, forced me to ignore how much I've hurt him, and smile at him too.

“Don't move, I'm coming okay?” Hopping out of his Escalade, he opened the passenger's side and swooped over to me, cradled me in his arms, and walked me over to the car.

“I can walk.”

“I'm your big brother, I got you.” Nodding a goodbye to Dr. Reyes, he thanked him briefly, and shut the door.

Taking his place in the driver’s seat, he pulled off.

“So I got my brother's to get your things from your dorm on campus. You're coming to stay with me, and before you say anything, it was either me, or mom and dad’s. Mom fought with me about this, but I won, I know that's the last place you want to be.”

Slightly listening to Dallas, he ceased, and turned the volume up his stereo system to max. “Welcome home.”

Smiling he nodded his head to the beat and sang the lyrics effortlessly. I watched him be himself carefree, he always did that well. Everyone seems to deem Dallas as their absolute favorite, and girls would constantly use me to get to him.

All of my school years, I found myself befriending trifling, brainless girls, that only understood the words boys, and themselves. Dallas was a prize for many of them, dragging me to sleepovers, knocking on my front door. “Gabby, is Dallas home?”

“Of course he is,” I'd say so naive, “he's playing basketball with his brother's, wanna see?”

So eager, to show off how popular I was, I'd take them shopping. My parents didn't mind it, they truly thought I was a hit, so extravagant birthday parties were a thrill. Celebrations, were a must, and a statement, was the purpose.

I created my own trap, and fell in. When high school came around, I became oblivious to the bullshit. Of course girls still thirsted for the hottest senior in Dade High, Dallas Parsons; ‘The adopted fine ass white boy.’ They desperately chased after him with their tails in the air, and their noses even higher.

Dallas and I, tried to get people to recognize us as true siblings regardless of our racial differences. Despite him actually being adopted, my mother will admit until she is blue in the face, that Dallas and I were birthed from the same uterus. Her, uterus.

But there were always the kids, that would bully us, and taunt our family for being the way we were. We weren't the happiest, we weren't the closest, yet to the public eye, the Parsons, were always meant to be perfect.

My mother, and my father insisted it be that way, for the sake of the family, for the sake of the family.

Of course family matters, when your parents would rather drink disgusting wine, get terribly drunk, and taunt you for gaining five extra pounds.

Family will always matter, when your parents get high off of some a-list drug, and fall off the face of the earth for god knows how long.

“Family matters Gabriella, family matters.

And for the sake of the family, you need to learn how to suffer, and when you do it, you need to do it so well, that even God believes it.”

“Gabby?”

My father forced the saying into my head, on my eighth birthday, when I tore down the decorations, and grew deathly upset. Him, and mother got drunk, and decided that the party just wasn't good enough for their high class agenda.

But it seemed to be, my father always found the time to repeat those lines to me while he was high from some drug. Dallas always tries to get me to understand, that my parents don't ever truly mean it.

“They're just fucked up Gabby, and the drugs don't help, they never mean it.”

They did though.

Finding myself, staring deadly outside of the window, I felt a rough shove to my shoulder. “Earth to Gatsby, wake the hell up, and look at my crib!”

Getting out of the car slowly, I followed Dallas into his estate.

It wasn't drooling with expensive sceneries, it was a simple, yet astounding, little home. And it was perfect for him, the driveway was surrounded with purple lilies, and white roses. They were Gram's favorite flowers, he adopted her gardening skills well.

Smiling at the sight of this, he opened the door.

“Surprise!”

The smile left me, as I clung to Dallas afraid. “What the hell?”

“Welcome home Gabby!”

My mother curled around me like a snake, but she smelled of serenity, not alcohol. “Oh my baby I've missed you!”

Ultimately confused by her statement I pushed her off, and remained beside my brother. “I didn't tell anyone, anything. They just think you're visiting. Now smile, and play nice, they won't be here long.” There was a sparkle on those oceanic eyes of his that made me cough a laugh. Shaking my head in amused disbelief, I hugged my mother back.

“I missed you too mom.” Keeping my silence after I responded I questioned my genuinity.

Because for a moment, I believed I meant it.

I haven't seen her in three whole years, I lied on Thanksgivings, managed to cook up another on Christmases and Easter’s. I didn't want to come back home, but here I am, and they threw me a surprise party.

Her groomed arched brows, were calmly risen with her subtle excitement of seeing me. “Dallas did a good job of keeping you off guard, where were you guys anyway? It was supposed to start almost two hours ago. Everyone is here though, go say hi sweetie!” Patting me on the back as if I were a spoiled mindless brat again, she shoved me forward, encouraging me to play nice.

I slightly smiled, as I shrugged on.

The atmosphere was filled with a mixture of emotions, there was my best friend Amberlise, that jumped on me in excitement. Then there was my father, who stood in the background of the grey walls, on the phone, but smiling to acknowledge me as his daughter. The people I didn't exactly know, but knew well enough of me to show up and act excited to see me.

And then there was Jaycee, whom I left three years ago, carelessly, the distance between us was what I needed. Being in a relationship with him alone was like drinking a poison, that was only deadly by the amount of doses.

Our relationship was my mother to blame, and my mother to blame only. I rubbed at my head, while my oversized sweatshirt draped loosely, dangling due to my undersized arms.

Not realizing I still had the hospital band, plain as day on my wrist, I shot my hand down quickly.

My aunt, stumbled into my vision, as she kneeled down from her eight inch louboutins and kissed my forehead. Her expensive scent lingered viciously, I almost drowned my nose into my hospital stained sleeve. “It's been a long three years baby, how are you, how are you really?”

Her tone was concerning, not so much of excited. Panicked my mind shot off warnings, and scattered theories, she saw it, no she didn't!

“I, um, I'm fine. I've been doing good in Atlanta, started dance classes, people have been booking their asses off!” I lied, but other choice did I have?

Telling the truth would cause heaven to crumble, and hell to rise. I dropped out of college months ago, and had begun living in a condo used from my parents money they sent to me monthly.

The experience of college, was just as dreadful as I thought it would be. I didn't exactly have a longing for education, I knew all that I thought was reasonable enough to be known.

It wasn't exactly the fact that I was failing, because I wasn't, it was the fact that I allowed every single person, dictate my future. Everyone deciding, suggesting, pushing, and being proud, except for me.

But it never truly mattered, because I was Gabriella Parsons, the daughter of Daisha, and Herome Parsons. A Pharmaceutical God, and a Law Twisting Goddess, they were. Tampa was oozing of respect for them, and why not, they were good at what they did. Lying, getting high, ignoring their real life problems, and looking good for the public.

Life was good, it always has been with them.

Which was why their only daughter, was going to be a heart surgeon, since their only son, was a tattooed drug dealer.

Dallas came to hug our aunt with a strong force, he loved her so much, as did I. Dauna was preciously kind, the almost complete opposite of her younger sister, my mother.

Who was easily angered, and had words that struck through you like electrified daggers. Ruthless with her determination, she couldn't care if you were a starving child, she'd take everything for herself, and leave you with nothing.

And ever since, Grams died, a year ago, I haven't even attempted to be around her to see if she'd truly changed or not.

But she was smiling, and she was mingling, her extravagant taste in designer clothes seemed to die down. She sported a simple t-shirt, skinny jeans, and generic sneakers. I know all of that money she, and my father have didn't disappear.

Despite her taking a hiatus from being a lawyer, they seemed to be floating on top of the universe well. I shyly glanced around the room, and made my way to the array of food.

Amberlise was chatting her face off, with my mother now, as I blandly watched, eating a handful of chips.

I could feel the dreary stares of my boyfriend as he stood next to me, with little to nothing to say. Instead he grabbed a handful of chips too, and enjoyed the atmosphere of chatter, while we stood in our’s, of an awkward silence.

“I like the way you styled your hair.”

Rolling my eyes, I grabbed the bottle of water next to me, uncapped it quickly and downed nearly half of it's contents. “My hair has always been this way, unruly, curly, and a hot mess Jaycee. Remember how you always told me I needed to get a relaxer?”

Scoffing, I finally caught a glimpse of his face. His brown eyes still deeply browned of darkness, and his face still smug; like someone continually fucked him in the ass with a forty-foot pole.

His face of unamused disbelief, he sighed. “I'm sorry about that, I never truly meant it.”

“When your boyfriend complains about you're tangled curls during sex, on more than one occasion, nine times out of ten; he meant it.”

“Oh Gabby come on! That was two years ago, this is my first time seeing you, since everytime I try to drive up there you make some shity excuse.”

Setting down the empty bottle, I began walking away, “I'm not talking about our relationship problems right now Jaycee. Enjoy the party.”

I know the time was going to have to come, where I actually took the time to confront our problems, but for some reason I run away without hesitation. Which according to all who knows me, including my Grams, was that I always avoid my problems, and chose the shity solutions, to find a way out.

I suppose my Gram’s considered my suicide attempt that shity solution.

I wasn't the best with judgement, I just prefer the option that would be an end all.

Life, was what I yearned for an end all. But that, that one little thing I asked for, was ripped right out of my hands, and thrown to hell.

I dazedly greeted people, and held lifeless conversations, until everyone dwindled on into their lives one by one.

Amberlise, being the last to leave, was talking quietly with Dallas. Until a loud boom of laughter filled the empty house, and they came walking arm to arm, to the front door.

I wasn't completely unaware of the foreverly blooming romance. But I hated how they foolishly ignored their feelings for one another, for my sake.

Amberlise was different from the other girls, the ones I so stupidly befriended. She was poor, didn't have much, was always trying to piece together her hand me down clothes to somewhat achieve the latest trend.

In middle school I was disgustingly stuck up, just for the sake, that my parents were the best thing in the entire world. Which if I wanted to be anything like them when I got older, I had to be on my game, new this, and designer that. I couldn't be friends with anyone that resembled anything below me.

Until the same girl I sat with in gifted algebra, wiped my tears away and hugged me until I mustered up the strength to actually say fuck it.

She gave me the inspiration, the inspiration to respect myself, and who I was. That my life wasn't all about the expensive material things, it was about me. And my, oh my, have I actually fallen off of that track, so terribly.

Hugging her goodbye, Amberlise raced over to me once more, and cradled me in her arms, like a lost puppy. I smiled and nuzzled in her warmth. “We have a lot to talk about missy, but rest up, I'll be by tomorrow.” Kissing my cheek she grabbed my hand, reluctant in saying goodbye. She glanced at the band politely. Nodded her head, and blew me a kiss, as she strutted her five’ two figure out of the door.

Collapsing onto my brother’s carpeted floor, he did the same.

It was finally over.

“You said you had a surprise, I didn't think you meant surprise party, asshole.”

“Eh, I thought it might excite ya. But you looked dreadful, absolutely miserable, you hardly talked to anyone.”

Focusing my attention to the popcorn ceiling I stared blankly for a moment. Dallas soon grew quiet, as he again, I did the same. “I know you don't like talking about it Gatsby, but someday you're going to have to. Life ain't the best, but you haven't even tried yours yet, I know you haven't. So while you're here, can you, can you try just for me?

I heard my brother’s softened voice of brokenness, and for the first time in three years, I listened.