Silver Spoons; One's Journey Through Addiction

Hey Baby,

There are so many things I want to say to you. So many things I want you to know. The first is how ridiculously proud of you I am. I know you feel helpless and out of control, but you made a choice and it wasn’t an easy one. It would have been so much easier for you to stay the way you were and keep getting high, but you chose to fight. Fight for me, for us,for your family and friends,but mostly for yourself and the life you can have. The life you deserve. It’s going to be hard, and everything is going to change, babe, but you’re still making the choice to fight, and nothing can make me happier than that. You just need to remember that you’re unstoppable. You can make it through any battle because you’re a man of steel. A Superman,in every way.

I know this is obvious, but I’m going to say it anyway because I like saying it and I hope you like hearing it. You know I’ve got your back, right? I don’t know where this is headed or what it will take to get there, but I do know that you won’t have to face it alone. I’m going to be right there beside you, always. As long as you want me. And when you can’t handle what life is throwing at you, I’ll be the there to step in and take some of the blows for you. You should also know that I don’t want you beating yourself up over the little things that make you feel guilty or ashamed. You will have plenty of time to work those things out later. For now you just need to focus on getting through the withdrawals so you can start getting healthy and strong.

The last time I saw you, before you left, it broke my heart. When you cupped my face in your hands, your eyes looked so pained as you started to tear up. Your voice quivered as you told me how sorry you were for putting me through all of this. Seeing you so close to breaking and knowing all of the hurts you were thinking of, it was so hard for me to keep from breaking down. I wanted to wrap you up in my arms and just make it all go away. Instead, I just looked you in the eyes and told you that, whether you were going to be on the top or the bottom, I was going to be with you. You just smiled and wiped your eyes, saying “Thanks, Beautiful,” before giving me the first of many goodbye kisses.

I guess I should tell you everything that’s happened here in the three days you’ve been gone. Oh yeah...nothing exciting has happened in the past three days, baby. Just the same old, same old; routine work dealing with people I don’t like, family (again, people I don’t much care for), more work, then going to bed early so I can get up to do it all again in the morning. I might be going out with Emily this weekend if we can decide what it is we want to do. I don’t think I can handle going to the movies.You were always my movie date. I’m betting as soon as the lights go off, I’ll start missing how we used to cuddle. The way your arm would wrap around my shoulder as I laid my head on your chest, and your hand would rest on my thigh as I put one of my legs over your lap---so much so that, before either of us knows what’s happening, I’ll be halfway across Emily. Knowing that crazy bitch, she’ll probably throat punch me so I don’t forget who I’m with ever again. Maybe the movies is a bad idea after all. Might be safer if we just do the girl thing and get our nails done and go out shopping or something. Either way, I’m sure it will be a nice distraction. I’d be lying if I said I’m not gonna need as many distractions as I can get, cause I already miss you, Superman, and I’m sure it’s going to get worse the longer you’re gone. It’s all your fault, you know... If you weren’t so awesome, maybe it would be easier. But no, you just had to be so amazing that without you, everything seems so ordinary. And ordinary is pretty dull once you’ve gotten a taste for the amazing.

I knew I was done for within thirty minutes after we started talking. I probably should have run then, but you roped me in instantly. I like to think it was because my life was so boring up until that point, but I really can’t deny it..you just hooked me right from the start. And considering the fact that it was over the phone, I’m not really sure which one of us that says more about. Since you’ve been gone, all I think about are those phone calls and the day we met. It always seems to happen the same way; I lie down to try and sleep, but I start worrying about you and hoping you’re ok. I really don’t know much, if anything, about addiction or rehab, but I’ve heard the first few days are pretty rough. They say going through withdrawals is one of the worst experiences you can have. I try not think about you being sick or in pain with no relief in sight, so I remind myself that I’ll be able to talk to you after you make it through the first few days. It amazes me how much I can miss something as simple as the sound of your voice. I tell myself I can go as long as it takes for you to get the help you need. I also tell myself that not being able to see you isn’t a big deal. But not being able to talk to you is harder than I imagined. I guess I didn’t realize how much we talked to each other until I wasn’t able to. So I lie there and try not to worry or miss you. Sometimes I miss you so much I actually start to feel sorry for myself. But eventually my subconscious comes to the rescue and before I know it, I’m thinking about when we met. I don’t know why it always happens that way, but I”m not complaining. Maybe it’s like a personal reward for making through the day, like catching your favorite episode of your favorite show on television after a long day. And when the show starts, I just lie there, close my eyes, and let it unfurl. I see it all as clearly as if it were playing on a screen in my mind, and it brings me comfort; it helps me relax, makes me smile, and---best of all---allows me to fall asleep with visions of you in my head. It’s really the best way to fall asleep.

Well baby, I should really wrap this up and try to get some sleep. I’ve got to get up super early tomorrow, and lord only knows how much time you actually have to sit around reading letters. I hope you’re doing alright, and if you need anything, just let me know. Know that I’m missing you and that I love you. Like...lots. Tons, even! And I always will.

I love you, Superman.

Hey, Beautiful.

I can’t believe I’m lying here again. But since I am, and since I have some time on my hands, I wanted to use that time to write you. I miss you something fierce. More than I thought I would. All I want is to be back home, getting ready to come by and scoop you up for some fun. Right about now I’d be watching your sexy ass make its way to my car. You’d get in and, before you’d even close the door, you’d be leaning over to give me a kiss. I always loved how that was the first thing you did. You never put your bag down, or adjusted your seat, or checked yourself in the mirror. Nope, as soon as you touched the seat, you would lean over and give those sweet, soft lips up to me. It’s like you knew how badly I wanted a taste and couldn’t bear to make me wait. Maybe it’s because you know how badly I always want to kiss you, or maybe you want it just as bad as I do. Either idea makes me happy. I must be the luckiest guy in the world.

I miss going to the movies with you. The scary ones were the best since they let me enjoy my favorite activity with my favorite person wrapped up in my arms. I can almost smell your hair now. I know you think I’m just trying to be sweet, but the smell of your hair is one of my favorite smells ever. It smells clean and fresh with hints of shampoo, bits of vanilla, and something else that I can’t quite place. But it reminds me of candy apples and younger days. I think that’s why I love the smell so much; it reminds me of home and makes me feel safe and warm. It reminds me that you are close and that you always will be. I miss that smell when I’m lying alone in bed here, but sometimes I swear I can catch a whiff if I concentrate hard enough. I’d give anything to be next to you with my face buried in your hair, instead of lying here with my face buried in a pillow. Being away from you is harder than I thought it was going to be, and it scares me. I just started here, and I’m already ready to get the hell out.

Damn..they’re calling us down for a meeting. I guess I’ll write more when I get a chance.

* * *

Sorry about that, Beautiful. That’s kinda how it goes around here; most of the time I’m so bored I seriously debate ramming an ice pick into my eyes just for something to do. (Although I think they frown on that kind of thing here, so I’ll try to restrain myself.) But as soon as you’ve got a minute to yourself, they’re yelling for you to come down for something or other.

Anyway, the first few days pretty much went by in a blur of vomit, sweat, pain, and general unpleasantness I’d rather not describe. I really thought I was going to die at first. Then, after a day and a half of it, I was praying to God and all his SuperFriends that one of them would let me. I’m feeling much better now, though. I’m mostly just sitting around waiting to go from the “Intake/Detox” unit to the “Rehab” unit. The typical stay here is about five days at most, but it looks like I’m going to be stuck here a little longer than expected because there are no open beds in “Rehab”. (Must be the excellent room service.)

The worst part of being stuck here in Intake is that there really aren’t any programs here. No groups, no meetings, and no one to talk to since most people are off working through withdrawals. So most of my time is spent bullshitting with the nurses and staff. Of course it goes without saying that they all love me here and let me get away with a little more than the other patients. So I’m happy to report that I get to make phone calls sooner than we thought. But hey,that’s just one of the many perks to being as awesome as me.

It’s not all bad here, though. Since it’s just ‘Intake and Detox’, we all get our own rooms. And since the staff just loves me, I was able to bring my iPod in, so I can at least catch up on some Netflix or something if I end up with free time. Don’t worry though, Beautiful. I’ll be sure to write to you before I get too lost in movies. I can’t promise I’ll have too much to say or that they’ll be long letters filled with exciting stories, but I promise I will always take the time to write you and let you know how much I love and miss you. I still can’t believe you’ve been here for me through all of this. I’ve done a lot I’m not proud of, and I know I’ve hurt you more than I can stomach.But I promise, if you loved me before, the new me is going to knock your socks off. You’ll see, Beautiful. Who I’ve been isn’t the person I really am, and the person I really am is going to treat you so much better. You’re really going to love the new me. I’ll finally be the guy you deserve. I know this is all scary, but when I get home, everything will be better. I promise.

Well, they’re calling for “Lights Out” now, so I guess I’ll finish this letter first chance I get. I love you.

* * *

So, today was a good day. I finally got to talk to you and hear your voice. It felt like I hadn’t heard your voice in ages, and I can’t believe how much I miss you and how far away you are. That was the only part I didn’t like. You sounded so small and far away, and I don’t like it when you’re far from me. And when we got off the phone, it made me miss you that much more. Because now I have to wait until they tell me I can talk to you again, and we both know I don’t like waiting or having to get permission. I was frustrated and starting to get mad about not being able to do what I want (which is mostly to just come home and be with you), when--wouldn’t you know it?--I walk in and see your letter sitting on my bed. It was a nice little escape for me to be able to lay there and read everything you had written. I almost forgot where I was for a while, caught up in the idea of you sitting next to me, head bent and hair pulled back, hearing your voice speak the words as I read. I can see it all so clearly. It makes me happy and breaks my heart at the same time. You always know just what to say to make me feel better. Whether I’m in need of a laugh, comfort, or support, your words always do the trick. They make me feel like I can make it through not just this, but anything else that may come my way. They remind me of the good in me, and I feel foolish for getting so angry earlier.

I’m glad you think of me as you lie in bed, cause I’m thinking of you too. Not just when I go to sleep. I think about you all the time. The day we met is ingrained in my head forever. It was the day I got to meet my own personal angel, put right in my lap by God. You were so beautiful and I was so nervous, and it was one of the best days of my life. I’ll probably be thinking about that day as I go to bed, and that probably should have been a while ago. I guess I’ll call you as soon as they let me. I’ll be thinking about you in the meantime, Beautiful I love you to death.

The blooms were full and vibrant when he came into her life. A chance encounter that hit her like a whirlwind and left her both unprepared and completely intrigued. It was a meeting that promised to leave them changed, and the impression he left on her heart would certainly be permanent.

Almost every story we hear makes that kind of person seem so commonplace. As if we are all just steps away from our own “happily ever after”, but that’s not the case. We meet a lot of people in the course of our lives and form lots of relationships. We fall in love, learn of betrayal, lies, and heartbreak. Then we learn hate, obsession, and how to pick the good ones from the bad. But love---a true, deep, unselfish love where you care for the other person, where you know them so completely and love them for all their strengths and flaws--- that doesn’t happen every day. Once you have that emotional and spiritual epiphany where you desire and strive to be a better person simply because they make you believe you can be and because you know they deserve nothing less than the very best version of you. That’s when you know you have loved someone to the point of being changed to your very core. And that, that doesn’t happen to just anyone.

By a chance encounter, two strangers began to talk over the computer. A simple misspelling of an email address brought them together, and before long they were exchanging emails. In a few weeks time, email became texting and texting became phone calls. They were the kind of phone call with just enough humor, just enough banter, and just enough interesting conversation to keep her up until almost 3am. The more she talked to him, the more he intrigued her and the more she left not wanting it to end. She found herself just wanting to know what he would say next, and she could honestly say she had never experienced anything like it before. There were just so many things they had in common. They shared the same interests, opinions, and outlooks. Even their differences seemed to compliment each other. Her humor was more ‘laugh-out-loud’, while his was very dry. They both enjoyed scary movies and thought aliens were really just human time-travelers. They loved a healthy debate on any topic, and a night out messing with strangers struck them both as a pretty good time. It sounds cliche, but they just clicked.

For the next few weeks they talked almost every day. They shared jokes and pictures. They laughed and flirted. It was inevitable that he would ask her out on a date, and who in their right mind could expect her to say anything but ‘yes’? They made plans to go out to dinner, and before they could settle on a restaurant she blurted out,

“Ya know, with all the pictures you’ve sent me, and how well I feel like I already know you, I doubt I’ll able to wait till the end of the night to find out if you’re going to kiss me. I may have to grab you and plant one on you as soon as you show up.”

“Oh really?” he replied, “I don’t think you really have the guts to do that.”

She heard the dare in his voice and she jumped on it. “Oh yeah? Well I think I most certainly do. In fact, I think that’s exactly what I’m going to do.”

“I’m happy you said that. Cause now you gotta do it. If you don’t, you’d be a liar ,and nobody likes liars.” he teased.

Suddenly she was feeling slightly less confident. “Well, we’ve never really met in person. You’ve only ever seen pictures of me. You might decide I don’t look as good in person and might not want me mauling you,” she said shyly.

“I think I hear a little girl chickening out,” he chided. “But I’ll tell you what. I’ll be sure to give you a green light so you know you’re in the clear. But you’re the one who brought it up, so now if you don’t see it through we’ll both know what a chicken you really are.”

“Well I guess that settles it, then. Nobody calls me a chicken!” she laughed.

“Alright then.” he replied,“And don’t worry your pretty little head over me not liking what I see. I’ve seen about twenty different pictures of you from every angle possible, and you are simply beautiful.”

* * *

The week before their planned date, she gets a text that she was dreading might come; it simply said [We have a problem for date night.]Determined not to seem too disappointed, she replied: [Well that’s not the best news to get, but maybe I can help find a solution to this problem?]

Not even five minutes later her phone bings in alert. [I was hoping you’d say that, since you’re the only person that can really help.] Like always, he’s got her curious and she races to send a text asking what the problem is. A smile spreads across her face as she reads his reply. [I really don’t think I can wait any longer. I want to see you like yesterday. I really think you should find a way to squeeze in some time for me sooner. I promise you won’t regret it.] Still smiling, she figures out the earliest she can see him and tells him to stop by her place the next afternoon.

From the moment the last text was sent until he showed up at her door, she was a huge ball of nerves and excitement. She busies herself with countless mind-numbing tasks to make the time pass quicker and to shut out the apprehensive voice in her head that’s nagging at her. Convincing her that every picture she’d sent him was just from a flattering angle and that he won’t really like what he sees. As much worrying and fussing as she did, when the knock finally came at the door, she couldn’t be bothered to worry how she looked a minute more. In fact, her looks were the furthest thing from her mind. Because, when she opened the door, standing in front of her was surely the sexiest man she had ever laid eyes on. Somehow this man possessed every physical trait she had ever found desirable in a man. He was tall with thick muscular legs . with the broad chest and shoulders athletes spent hours upon hours trying to achieve. Yet they still looked soft and comforting. His hair was auburn and wavy with an adorable tendency to fall across his forehead and curl behind his ears. Along with the strong jawline, full sexy lips, and piercing blue eyes, the only word that seemed to come to mind was “YUM.”

Even realizing how cheesy it sounded, it was still the only word that fit. She didn’t stand a chance. For a second she was lost in how completely sexy he was, and for a fleeting moment she thought there was no way she could ever hold his attention. Fortunately, there wasn’t much time for that thought to grow.

A huge smile breaks out across his face as he walks inside, shuts the door, and eliminates the space between them. He leans in close to her ear and, barely above a whisper, says to her. “Damn, you’re actually more beautiful in person than your pictures had me prepared for.”

Seconds later she’s against the wall with her arms around him and his fingers in her hair as their lips devour each other. It’s a kiss like she has never experienced before. It’s electric and she can feel it course through her entire body. As he pulls her hair, she begins to suck on his tongue, causing him to lift her up so her legs have no choice but to wrap around him as he pushes her harder into the wall. Realizing she could easily get carried away and end up naked on the floor at any second, she decides to put the brakes on this. With all of her resolve, she stops kissing him. Looking at the ground, she actually feels shy and a bit embarrassed. Wiping at the corner of her mouth, she looks up at him.

“It’s uhh...it’s really nice to meet you.”