We Three

November 1994 - Jude had just turned 2 when Mom died. Even then, at 7 years old, I had this desire to protect them. Dad was devastated. He had never loved anything more in the entire world, and losing her would be the end of him, I was certain. It was the end of him in a way. I can’t blame him for being emotionally absent. He couldn’t feel anything anymore; he wouldn’t let himself feel anything. So, at 7 years old I knew I would have to be everything to them; a mother, a father, a protector, a friend. As time passed, I wanted to be more, I needed to be more. But it wasn’t until I was old enough to understand my own feelings and emotions that I realized what that really meant.

11 years later - November, 2005

“Jude……Riley, you guys better be practicing.” Walking down the steps to the garage I could hear giggling and laughing coming from the other side of the closed door. I grasped the doorknob gently as to not make any noise and slowly twisted it.

The creaking of the door hinges gave my position away to the cackling duo on the other side. The door swung open to reveal a very comical scene. Riley jumped up from the garage floor, tripping and almost falling over as she leapt towards the maroon bass guitar sitting on its stand in the corner of the set. In one smooth movement she grasped the neck of the instrument and swung the strap over her head, bringing it to rest on her shoulder.

I had bought her that guitar for her birthday last year. I worked every weekend and every bit of overtime I could to save up for it. Her emerald eyes lit up the moment she saw it and she practically jumped into my arms. “How did you know I wanted this!? Thank you so much, Noah!” That embrace and kiss on the cheek made me the proudest human being on the face of the planet that day.

At that same moment, Jude, who looked to have been tickling Riley moments before I opened the door, jumped into action as well. He slid behind the mic stand in the center of the set and began aimlessly tapping the soundboard at his feet.

They both looked up at me as if they were deer caught in headlights, but with the slightest hint of a smirk tugging on the corners of their mouths. I just stood there chuckling at the sight of these two goofballs.

Riley, the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen in my life, standing behind the mic stand, strumming her guitar. That was normal right? You’re supposed to think your sister is pretty, right? Well I did. Her long brunette locks had grown to drape over her shoulders like a silk shawl. I remember when she was little, many nights after a bath I would turn on cartoons or Sesame Street to keep her occupied. She would sit on the living room floor at my feet as I sat on the couch brushing her soft curls. “Ouch! Don’t pull so hard, Noah.” She would say and turn to me with a scowl on her face. I’d lean down and kiss her cheek, “Sorry Rye, turn around and watch Elmo, I’ll be gentle.”

It’s been a long time since I’ve brushed her hair. At almost 15, I think she can handle that herself. She’s all grown up now, even starting to wear makeup. Her body had begun to develop as well. Stop! Stop it right now. I had to tell myself. You can’t think these things!

But that was nothing compared to what I thought about him. Jude, the most beautiful boy I’d ever seen in my life. Now THAT is not normal. But he was. His blonde curls used to be so long and frizzy it would make me laugh. He kept it short now and I imagined running my fingers through it like I had when he was little. I used to nestle my nose against his head and inhale the divine scent of his freshly washed curls. “I’m gonna eat you!” I would say maniacally, and he would run away giggling.

Those days were long gone. He’s too cool for that now that he just turned 13. He’s into video games, paint balling, and lifting weights, which I always found strange. I don’t ever remember being into lifting weights at 13. He undoubtedly just wanted to impress the numerous girls who had huge crushes on him. It was no surprise. How could you resist those blue eyes piercing into your soul as he shot you a wink? I know how weak I felt when he looked at me, I can only imagine how it was for those 8th grade girls. He was going to kill it in high school next year.

“You weren’t practicing, were you?” I asked, stepping further into the garage and folding my arms.

Riley, settling herself but still clearly out of breath, placed her hand on her hip and struck a pose demonstrating the attitude about to escape her lips.

“Um….yeah we were.” She said with her eyebrow raised. I knew she was lying, and her attempt was horrible, but I had to give her props for trying since she clearly knew I had caught them goofing off.

Jude looked at Riley, then back at me, his hand resting on the microphone as if he was ready to start singing right then.

“We were, but then we got bored and started fooling around, but we practiced a lot today, I mean, we know the song really well and memorized it perfectly, so it’s ok.” Jude’s run-on attempt to convince me was interrupted by Riley sighing and rolling her eyes. She shot him a look that said, “seriously?” and then gave me a cheeky smile.

I walked over to the lawn chair in front of the set and sat down. “Alright then, if you’re so confident, let’s hear it.” I reclined myself as much as I could in the chair and folded my hands behind my head. Jude grabbed the 6-string on the stand behind him and slung it over his shoulder. He shot Riley a wink and adjusted the sound board at his feet. Riley took the cue, grabbing her guitar pick from the stool behind her and nodding at Jude, signaling she was ready.

The three of us had always had musical talent growing up. Although Dad had a hard time being around us since Mom died, he always tried to support and encourage us pursuing music. He enrolled us in guitar and piano lessons as young kids, and with whatever extra money he had, he would look for sound and musical equipment at yard sales and discount stores. We had collected enough over the years to setup a modest band set in the garage.

Of course, It’s difficult to keep teenagers focused on playing music, and I sometimes had to force Jude and Riley to keep practicing every day. Riley was remarkable on bass guitar and her voice complemented Jude’s amazing lead vocals. I was a pretty decent drummer and played a bit of piano, but I had little time to practice with them once I started working. So, I would encourage them to get involved with anything musical at school and practice, practice, practice.

Which is why today it was so important that they were rehearsing. They had signed up for Jude’s school talent show. Since It was also the 11th anniversary of losing Mom to cancer, Jude had written a song for her to play and I really wanted it to be good. I knew Mom would be watching and I wanted her to be impressed with her beautiful children. I was certainly impressed by these two perfect humans.

“Honey, I thought you should know that I’m in a hurry.” Jude began singing, playing the notes on his guitar perfectly, his voice was like an angel. I lowered my hands and leaned forward in the chair so I could be closer to the stunning sound.

“I’ve gotta move up north, but it’s just temporary.” God he’s such an amazing writer, I thought. His eyes held my gaze as he fashioned the words with his mouth. Riley stood next to him, her hands resting on the top of her guitar, her head bowed. She slowly raised her head, her eyes floating up to meet mine and she prepared to sing with Jude on the next line.

“When I look at you, I see your beauty.” The vibration of their voices in unison sent chills down my spine. I knew the song wasn’t written to me, but I couldn’t help but wonder; do they see beauty when they look at me? I see beauty when I look at them. So much beauty I can’t even understand it. I just want to be close to them, to touch them and love them. What is wrong with you!? You piece of shit! How can you feel like that! It’s not normal to think these things. How can you be so horrible?!

“Now my baby boy is gonna lose me.” The next line brought me out of my self-hatred and back to reality. Riley lifted her guitar and played the bass rift bringing the song into the second verse. Both Jude and Riley started swaying back and forth to the music as they played. I sat back in my chair again, laid my head back and closed my eyes. They HAD been practicing, they played the song perfectly.