Digging Holes
I was digging holes. It’s suicidal but I stuck the shovel into the ground. I had no other choice. The entrance to the tunnel was my only way out.
After the shovel sank into the ground for the hundredth time, beads of sweat rolled down my flesh and glistened under the moonlight. The hooting of the owls called trembling clouds in the sky. It was grey and heavy with unshed tears just like I. Alone inside a forest without a soul to console mine felt just right. This should’ve happened from the start.
He blew it. He jumped and left. Laughter bubbled in my gut while my arms throbbed. Beside me, the dirt piled up as tall as my regrets. I winced, wiping the sweat from my forehead. If only regret can be easily wiped away like sweat.
Now that the person who was supposed to guide me to the exit was gone, I’d be lost. I had no other paths than where I started. The skies filled with gray clouds heavy with unshed tears. I’d keep on digging, alone in the empty clearing.
Thunder rolled and a still moment dropped in the atmosphere before a droplet touched the tip of my nose. Glaring at the dark sky, with my bad luck hung on my chest like a medal.
“You fucking blew it bastard. How dare you leave. How dare you jump down the blasted bridge. Fuck you, Phil.” laughter bubbled from my chest. My arms throbbed as he silently watched the pile of dirt slowly getting bigger and higher. Just like regret.
They’re probably gathered at his wake and here I am digging holes. It was also a rainy day as this when I first saw him in a different light. When there’s still four of us. Whereas their naivety clouded their minds. Once upon a time when I fell for the boy’s courage.
I glanced at the hole that he dug. The sooner you give up the better. Was it deep enough to accommodate my wishes. My laughter was immediately drowned by the harsh pouring of rain. I smiled as it concealed the salty tears that trailed my cheeks. “How could I forget? I gave up on myself. I gave up the moment I was born.”
I was digging holes for the same guy who used to be a friend. For my friends who doesn’t move anymore. With a gun pushed against the small of my back, I was digging a hole for myself to get in.
As I repeatedly dug through the soft, muddy ground, I thought of a reason why I shouldn’t proceed and bury himself alive. The silence despite of the rain would have made me find a reason but an intrusive melody broke through.
The familiar ringtone ended as I tapped the screen. “Aeron, where the hell are you, jerk?! Are you that heartless to not even say goodbye for the last time!”
“What do you think? I’m not there with you, am I?” I murmured. The silence behind the voice reminded me where my caller was. “Danilo, I’m just that heartless as you said. Don’t look for me.”
“I don’t care! Get your ass here as soon as you can or else-” I stared at the black screen. I chuckled, realizing that the phone’s battery was empty. At least Danilo wouldn’t be able to track him down.
He could hear everything, but dare not open his eyes.
My heart went blank. I was told that I became a cold person. I wished I hadn’t learned about the warmth of someone because, maybe, I wouldn’t be crying now. If I’d think of a reason why I thought I’d die, it would be because I hadn’t met you yet.
