No ordinary love

Can you ever really explain your then to your now? Does time truly magnify the good and dilute the bad? Or is it all exactly as it was, as it is? His name was on their wedding guest list, shit! Why? How? I had just about taught myself not to think of him, not to wonder what would have been every other day. Why was this happening now? December had been such a turning point in my struggle to pack him away. It was too much to think about at once, I had to leave.

“Hey Cal, I’m...um... I’m feeling a little light-headed; I’m going to get some fresh air”. I tried to keep my pitch as even as possible but my trembling hands gave me away. “Sure honey, are you coming down with something - you’re white as a sheet”. Precious pre - occupied Callie. If anything you could always count on her for an excuse.

“Now that you mention it, I have been feeling a little off”. My brain shrieked at me, telling me to get out, it was going into meltdown. I made my excuse; air pecked her and dashed for the door. The cooling, almost autumn air whipped over my cheeks, tugging at my hair, and as I swallowed my stomach back down I prayed that if there was a God it would please just let me die now.

My mobile rattled against my rings, Tyler! Nope, no God! The phone bounced between my balled-up fists for a minute. Breathe Ali, in and out, now answer. “Hello” I tried to sound as steady as possible. “Hey you, are you still at Callie’s? “Oh... uh... well... I just left actually”. I tried to sound excited but it came out with more of a hysterical edge to it then I’d planned. “What are you doing, still at work?” I followed quickly. “Nah we’re done, just checking out some bachelor party options”. WHAT??? The invitations had just been sent out. There were still almost 2 months to go.

“Ali, are you still there?” “Yeah, I’m here.” “Oh okay, so do you wanna hook up at the restaurant or are you all for an early night?” He teased. I may as well stick to my story. “You know, I’m not feeling hundreds I think...” Tyler cut me off “What’s wrong, do you want me to meet you?” “No, don’t be silly, I’m fine just a headache, I’m tired that’s all”. My voice was so tense I even believed me. “You sure, we’re pretty much done here”. Yeah fabulous, I thought, come home so we can have a round of me unravelling again.

“No, no, no I’m alright, just going to take a pain killer and get into bed. Stay, have fun, I’ll see you in the morning”. Doing well, say good-night and switch the phone off. “Alia, I know when you’re not okay”. I tried to talk but my throat chocked me so instead a rattled sob escaped, he knew just when to use my parent’s old nickname for effect. “I’m on the way home; I’ll see you in a few minutes. I love you baby girl.” Damn, he was good.

I could have made up an excuse but I wanted him to soothe me. He’s always been there and I needed him so I could remember to forget. The short walk from Callie and Makai’s to ours would have been a whole lot more fluid had I not been the proud owner of two left feet (that were intent on tripping each other up) and very over-active tear ducts. Don’t even start me on my body’s natural defence mechanism. Hyperventilation followed by fits of hysteria. Needless to say by the time I got home Tyler was already there. He stood in the doorway watching me.

“Hey.” Was all I could manage “Hi, come in quickly, it’s stupid cold out there.” He pulled me into him and held me there. “Baby girl you look ... awful.” I knew it was his way of asking for an explanation but I couldn’t. “I know, I must have caught something.” It was all I could come up with. “Let’s get you in a warm shower. You’ll feel better after.” He was eyeing me suspiciously. “Could we stay here for a bit?” The couch felt heavenly to my suddenly aching body. “Come here.” He pulled me down to his chest and in an instant everything else disappeared; the worry, questions and almost all the anxiety. The safety of Tyler’s arms made it all seem further away.

He woke me with breakfast the next morning. I’d been moved at some point the night before and he was now surveying me. His eyebrows mashed together. “You still look a little peaky.” He said with a tiny smile at the corners of his mouth. “Peaky?” Who actually uses that word? Oh, I did love him and not just because of how he loved me (unconditionally). I laughed so hard he had to lift the tray to save our coffee.

That’s better, now if I could just stop feeling his missing I’d be fine, shit! After our breakfast, and a full medical, Tyler had to leave to open the restaurant. This was perfect, it meant I had enough time to shower and pop down to Marley’s.

Marley; my other crutch, between her and Tyler they’d always been there for me. She knew more; she’d seen him with me first hand, had witnessed ‘us’ first hand.

“Knock, knock,” I yelled down the passageway. Sara, the housekeeper, let me in. “In here!” I followed the beat to her bedroom. Let me take a time out to explain Marley. That is her real name and yes she has always been a girl but she has complete hippie parents.

In his younger years her dad had a gravitation towards ‘magic mushrooms’ and as for her mom... well, Lucy Cabanac (aka Star to her feminist groupie friends) was a force to be reckoned with. Needless to say, Marley has very strong opinions and a very loosely woven moral fibre. She is also magnificently gorgeous, inside and out but she is so much more for me, to me. She was there when everything and every-one disappeared, she helped scrape me up each time, so she saw right through my glued-on smile.

“Hey, sweet cheeks what’s...up? What’s wrong?” “Nothing, geez! Just came to say hi.” I pleaded. “Oh no missy, what’s wrong?” She narrowed her eyes at me. I couldn’t keep my lid on; I spewed the news out at her. “Which means that Milo is on the guest list.” I finished up. She didn’t even try to hide her shock. I actually heard her mouth make a ‘pop’ when it dropped open, she took a few seconds to realize and readjust. “Milo Nicollo?” No Marley Milo the clown, I thought “Yip!” I spat out. “Ffuuck!”

“Yes, f*@k!” I could feel Marley’s eyes burning holes into me, waiting for the tears or the hysteria, I suppose. Maybe she was expecting anger; she was probably prepping for whichever came first out of the lot. I watched her slowly replace a dress on a hanger and slide it back onto the rail.

The stereo dulled down and when she dropped next to me on her bed I knew she was trying to collect herself. She gave my hand a squeeze and smiled. “It’ll be okay... won’t it?” I wasn’t 100% sure but I knew I didn’t want to make a scene, either way, at Callie’s wedding so I nodded and changed the subject.

This must all seem a little confusing to you the reader and once you have read about halfway through my tale you will probably accuse me of being a deeply flawed human and I suppose to a certain point I am flawed but not so much that I couldn’t tell right from wrong, I could. I just...I just couldn’t seem to care when it came to either of them. They were absolutely the opposite of one another but equally important to me for completely different reasons. I was fairly certain I had ruined the concept of relationships for at least 4 of us in the process of me ‘growing up’ but to fully grasp the depth of MY confusion I will have to tell you the whole story, in spectacular detail. It was always in the detail... and so to the start...