Chapter 1
I admit I was a vain girl a girl who had a wayward nature read a lot and thought of myself as this woman waiting to be in some better situation.
The rule in that little room was one is the most important person because it meant surviving. Spat there was the likelihood of being outcast ostracised and maimed because if one did not do as mother wished that was what would happen.
The thought entered my head that I had to pretend all the time to be happiest and not sad and there were moments when I also believed it was normal to in such a situation.
I was the apple of their eye and the thought did enter my head that every day in the circus the girl had to stand while the man threw knives at her. So when the dart board came in I was shivering so much the man had to get rid of it.
In some ways, I got stuck in some middle ground at first then sunk a trifle deeper inside the shell of a world where the only thing was work and then down and down.
Some said the only way was down and said forecasting that I would fare well as I would as they all had been done.
I as a disabled woman went and sat it out within the charities and did their worthy work. That meant I did not do the real work. Most of the rich said I was a bitch and did live off them as they paid their taxes.
They hoped for this as a solicitous pleasure to please their worn-out souls. The shop-soiled goods they would swear one after the other as if the pleasantries were overrated in a shop because what does one buy in a shop without any trophy’s treasures or even English?
Show evidence we do not care for the likes of a shop-soiled girl telling us what to do.
One was this open vagina a vague person without a mouth without even the rights which they had because they were born and bred in this holy country.
Their roots were good and secure and us we were nothing.
Zeks said it was good enough for her and she said what mattered was me with the same tastes as her in food and furniture. I enjoyed cooking too which meant she wanted me home for good the rest could go and work outside. They are still raging within they are that upset.
I did not know this before being a young thing a lass called me winking and tormenting my father that they would have me after several tries. The thought never entered my mind that I was in any harm's way I dealt with them in kind and the banter went off lightly. Until the unkindness of it all became coarser and coarser causing us to rebel.
“Oh, thank you, Miss, we will be here for you we will worship the very ground you walk on because of this favor you have done us me you, and the world.” Child care was the other one of my responsibilities I was a good mother said. I was the goods I had the goodie bags to prove it.
They speak about shop soiled goods.
The thing was most things start happier than they get along down the years. Behaving like no one else in the world the family said. I was damn odd not like them did not get on did not have a proper job was in fact a joke.
“We do not recognize it as work she has to be rehoused and told her proper duties in life which is to stay in bed and do nothing.” Some man said as he departed.
Did I become less worthy in the workplace?
I begin to cry.
You see seriously I was thought of as a silly woman.
“I am very happy to meet you all I am Fat and this is my story and we can now move it.”
"Thinner is the post we deny fat."
“There is nothing you need?”
“No thank you nothing.”
“I did think I did not think. There is something I did miss what was its money.” But the man has gone he has just walked away done a runner made off with the goods.
That is true to daddy’s prediction I did not have it in me for anything but being the worse case of the lot. That the man did walk away and daddy after him running as the man ran for dear life then he caught up with him and the guy said.
“I thought it was free this vase.”
“I did not give it to him dad I thought he knew the price, I forgot to make him pay sorry.”
She does not wear them, my dear,”
“What is it then?”
“I think she ate something bad.”
“You mean she is vomiting in our bath toilet?”
“Yes.”
“Well, that is rude.”
“We have nothing to spare but that bowl and she has emptied her vomit inside.”
The sink we are sinking.
“Yes, that is how the rich behaved towards her and now she repeats that on us.”
She came back looking very subdued to the auntie.
The closet is it clean?”
“I left it clean as I found it.” She was more absent than with us. I felt her disconcerting gaze as if the reality of hell had come upon her.
“Let it be then.”
“Why I was afraid as if something demented madder was about to happen?”
“Your mummy is now married to some man,”
“My ma is already married look she has a ring on her finger.”
“Take it off Zeks. She has to take everything."
“Well, I bought it from Woolworths.”
Mum did not marry well she had no marriage in reality.
“How sad it is.”
“It was. I had to pay that for real money.”
“Look honey you must now learn to do some real work.”
"Don't give that to Zeks."
“What me I already work really hard auntie.” Auntie was dressed as a madam a Mrs a respectable woman whose life is secure. God that is stupid. Mother said he is a violent man and when they get too secure he strikes them dead.
Then walked off without a care in the world. Was she for real? Seriously auntie is Zeks, not my real mum?
Zeks was the woman who said she had to stay because she had nowhere else to go.
"She not your auntie silly." I was the only one who did not know who was who.
"Well, she couldn't help it."
What auntie did for a living was obscure she had a husband somewhere whom I only heard about I said he had been heresy but he was real enough when the adult I saw him once before he died. He died from a heart attack or something.
How to live. That was her mother's problem.
The vague figure of fun. If someone laughs at you they are fond of you. Why he did that ma he always was amusing men and girls. She was theirs. She would be there always as the figure of fun. Did they gain by looking at her? Of course, they could smile and think their life was not so bad.
She had no scruples in doing it for fun. A woman after all. Her given life work was destructive. Don't speak about your mother like that. My favorite he was so in love with his wife. He never saw her? No, he did she and he was the perfect couple. No most definitely she was the apple of his eye she and he married when she was fourteen.
“That is young is it not?”
Odd.
"You mean auntie was a child bride?”
“She was fourteen my dear in Cyprus that is old.”
“I do not mean to marry so young mummy.”
“We are not asking you to marry.” Said, auntie.
Just do the thing.
I did not know what auntie meant but B did and she was all for it. How could a four-year-old know more than me? I was a young ten-year-old or was it twelve?
What in the hell is this story for?
She is not going to become a whore at such an age?
The mother looked at B and B said something sincere and the mother was satisfied.
“B is a good girl.”
"Child prostitution? Come it was nothing B happily sorted." Said dad," she needed work."
I stood still staggered to some chair and did not think to move. As if the Domesday book had been rewritten as if I had been torn to pieces.
Mother was in charge, I had to prevent all of this somehow. I grew obsessed with the idea I did not sleep on it I thought about it sleepwalking all the time as if the whole thing was playing on my mind like a constant radio, I almost drove everyone mad with my temper.
