Self - harm

Some things take time.

That’s why our parents teach us about how to be patient. Well, most parents do. Mines well… let’s say they tried their best.

People say to have patience at the times you feel pain, but this case was different, sitting and watching as the clock ticked by counting down the seconds for Mr. Harrison’s class to be over was extremely painful.

No one liked his class. Not to mention it was last period and the last thing I needed was Advanced Algebra equations being a rope hanging like a noose around my neck. While he was explaining those equations, I would think what was faster than his voice, sound or light? The man talked slower than a Banana Slug lacking vitamin D.

I looked around the class and noticed how people were watching the clock just like me or trying to wake themselves up to avoid detention, the principle was nice enough to provide us detentions with no other than Mr. Harrison, the guy is actually pretty chill and cool except on Fridays for some weird reason.

Am I counting the time left? Yes, thirty seconds.

I glance over my shoulder to look at Peter, is he enjoying this class? I’m not surprised, Peter is what teens know as a nerd, but he is different, he hates classes and pulls pranks on the teachers at any chance he gets. Last week he pulled a prank on our Biology teacher, I wasn’t physically there but according rumors and my reliable- not so reliable source, it got pretty… weird.

Peter’s bright piercing eyes are glued to the board and I can see as they dart to every spot, he keeps moving his curly hair out of the way, behind him is Tanya, my not so reliable source, she knows everything about anyone, the reason why I call an unreliable source is because she lies to me about some rumors at her convenience, when she tells me the truth… well it’s not like I could beat her up.

Tanya’s really dark brown eyes are not glued to the board but instead her phone while she plays which is weird cause out of all the games, she could play she chose a really silly one. Her eyes are so plastered to her phone the game is reflecting on her eyes.

The bell rings and the chairs screech on the ground as everyone starts to rapidly leave the class, me included. Mr. Harrison says something over my shoulder which I don’t catch to hear as I’m already at the hallway. I spot Tanya at her locker putting a few of her notebooks away and I make my way to her.

“I see you got a new phone” I smirk, her face is amused, and she scoffs “Someone finally decided to pay me after sending it off to fly like if it was The Lost World.”

Over the summer break Tanya invited me to her uncle’s lake house which I obviously agreed to go because it was either that or being locked in my room all day, Tanya insisted on us hiking because she needed some sort of exercise to replace the fact that she wouldn’t do any over summer. My mistake was saying yes. We climbed all the way to the top and because Tanya has a ‘feed’ she also insisted on me taking her a picture.

She kept on telling me what angles to go for and while I tried doing one of those weird angles I slipped and almost fell off the cliff, which I obviously- and luckily survived, but she doesn’t seem to care if I almost died, she was too busy scolding me for dropping her phone off the cliff.

So, I owed her a new one and like she said, I finally paid.

“In my defense I almost fell off!”

“Not my fault you don’t have any control over the balance of your body.”

“Shall I remind you how you tried to push me off the cliff?” she really did try; I have more strength than her which obviously stopped her but it’s the intention I’m counting. “Whatever, I don’t have time for this, I got practice” she puts her curly hair into a ponytail and shuts her locker.

Tanya is part of the swimming team, ever since I left my team she has made it a thing to mock me of how she has more trophies than me, which she practices it like a religion, every upcoming competition becomes a quarrel, that’s only one sided.

“Hey! Are you going to give me your new phone number or what?” The thing that really triggered Tanya about losing her phone was the whole process she was going to have to go through to get a new number.

“I’ll just call you later!” she is already at the half of the hallway as she continues running “How am I supposed to know-” she disappears from the halls leaving me hanging.

Well, I’ll just suppose any number is her, “Marin, are you coming?” Peter’s voice startles me as he appears out of nowhere, I nod and follow him to the parking lot.

Peter drives me to school and back home every day, it’s been this routine since last year when they grounded me and took away my car privileges, they sold my car and they didn’t even bother giving me the money, not that it was mine to begin with but that car was everything to me so I should have at least gotten something out of it.

I get in the passenger’s seat and Peter gets in as he starts the engine “You know… I could drive this once, you seem pretty exhausted” I say in a negotiating tone “Since you seem to be negotiating here, I have two conditions, one, learn to be a better driver and two, get yourself ungrounded.”

At this point I know that he will never let me drive his car.

“You know if you were studying by night and not heading off to parties every chance you got you would still have your car”.

“And I would have ended up being Batman or Liquid Snake” Peter gives a confused glance at me “I get the Batman one but who the hell is Liquid Snake?” Forgot he is not a video game person “He’s from Metal Gear- but that’s not the point, the point is that they are both pretty antisocial” Peter rolls his eyes “You can be smart and social Cody, look at me!” I snicker.

“Your dad is not going to be home, right?” he asks worried “Yesterday was a complete surprise, he’s not going to be there” Peter sighs in relief and takes a turn as we are closer to my house.

Many of my friends fear my dad, not that they don’t have a reason, I completely understand why. I am constantly asked why I don’t live with my mom and there’s one solid reason why. Her boyfriend, I don’t like him at all, and I try to avoid him the most as possible, not that I’ve met him in person, but my mom has insisted on me meeting him, and she finally convinced me.

“So, when are you meeting your new dad?”

“He’s not my dad, not now and I’m sure he will never be. But I’m meeting him this Saturday and I am not looking forward to it”.

“I’m sure it won’t be that bad” he tries to lighten me up, he obviously fails.

“Uhm… Cody? How do you feel about walking from here?” The car starts to slow down and see how he is a few houses away from mine, from here you could see the driveway and I immediately spot my dad’s car since it’s incredibly white and clean.

“What if I need to run for some random reason?” I joke “I can be your getaway car?” he says with doubt, the car has stopped moving but I refuse to get out, a couple of seconds pass until he finally leaves me in front of my house and the second my body is completely out and the door is shut he steps on the gas and drives off my street.

So much for being my getaway car…

I walk up to the porch and stand by the front door, honestly, I’m scared to turn the doorknob but as I am about to the door opens for me and my dad comes out looking like a mess. He looks like if Anthony Hopkins was put to toast in the sun for sixteen hours.

He has bags under his eyes that could be taken for fake because of how noticeable they are, sadly they are real, his breathing is heavy and is forehead and practically shinning from all the sweat he is dripping.

“What are you doing here?” He immediately asks “I live here” I state the obvious, he gives me a threatening look “Don’t speak like that” my dad is easily triggered, especially in the state he is in “Won’t happen again” I say not wanting to start an argument “You should really lay off the caffeine, you look sick” I try to advise him which he scoffs “I’m fine, get inside and do your homework, I have to get back to work” he says as he rushes to his car, in a blink of an eye he is gone.

I head inside and do as I was told since I have nothing better to do, I walk into my room and sit at my desk as I start my Algebra homework, which is probably what Mr. Harrison was saying when I ignored him and left.

I see my dog enter the room impatiently as she tries to gain my attention “Not now Charlie…” my mom thought that getting me a dog would make up for her mistakes, I like the dog but I’m not a five year old that is easily tricked, I like to consider myself Danny from The Shining, I’m not exactly a straight A student but I could be worse.

My phone suddenly rings and I look at the screen to see who it is. Unknown. It’s about time she called me, although it’s also weird cause I’m pretty sure practice doesn’t last less than fifteen minutes but I decide to answer and not overthink it.

“Hello?” I don’t know why I sound doubtful if it’s Tanya, but I guess it’s just an instinct of mine.

“Hello?” The voice on the other line is mellow and timid, my eyes widen to the fact that it’s not Tanya’s voice, whenever she talks on the line, she sounds like Kate Winslet speaking or yelling as loud as possible, but this voice is sotto.

“Who is this?” The voice asks trying to speak a bit louder.

“My name is Cody Marin” she mumbles something I don’t manage to hear “How can I help you?” The only thing you could hear were whimpers and at this point I have never been so confused in my life. Algebra is making more sense.

“This is ridiculous…” she mutters “Are you okay?” I try to be nice, she laughs hysterically which honestly I feel like hanging up the call but I’m curious to know where this is going “You don’t even know my name” she tries to hold back her laughter which very quickly turns into a set of sobs.

What the hell is going on?

“How can I help you?” I repeat trying to calm her down “Is this… the suicide hotline?” her voice breaks more as she says that sentence, my whole body paralyzes at her words, this must be a prank, there is no way this is happening.

“Would you like to talk?” I ask, I know lying to her is wrong but what happens if I say no, I don’t know how to deal with this situation, but the best solution right now is to try to talk to her and maybe I can call emergencies when she’s deep into the competition.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

“What’s wrong? I need you to tell me.”

“I can’t- “

“I can’t help if you don’t tell me.” I say demanding, honestly what’s the point of calling a suicide hotline and looking for help if you don’t say anything about it.

“I don’t want to say what’s wrong I just need someone and-”

“Just tell me what’s wrong” I repeat one more time.

The line goes silent and for a moment I think she hanged up, but I can still hear her sharp breaths “Are you lying?” She asks.

“What makes you think that?” I ask concerned “You sound unexperienced” she states “I’m sorry” I give in “You got the wrong number” I state disappointed, it didn’t last long, less than five minutes probably, I should have looked up how this works to at least pretend I know what I’m doing.

“Sorry for wasting your-”

“I can help if you want, if you need someone to listen and not say a word I can do that” I start to ramble “I’m good, thanks for the offer” she says disheartened “Please don’t hang up!” I try to keep her on the line as much as I possibly can, if I insist maybe she will not hang up.

“Let me help you, what’s your name?”

“Don’t act like you care.”

“I do care, I genuinely care, what’s your name?” I insist.

“If I tell you my name will you leave me alone?” she really doesn’t want to have this conversation “I just want to help you” I try to convince her “I don’t want your advice” she wail “Please” I beg.

“Halle. My name is Halle Barrymore” she hangs up the call.