Tears of a clown

Tears of a Clown

By D.Joseph Sway

Vol. 1

Part 1:

Sam Cooke was on the radio, “hmm...what a wonderful world..hmm”

I was cruising about 78 mph, with my flannel shirt open, I had my undershirt in the back, I wanted to feel the highway breeze on my chest.

I lit a cigarette and considered turning around, this was a long way to travel to see a girl after all. Seven days earlier I was collecting $400 in the parking lot of the Northside rec center, I made a few good picks on the weekend basketball tournament for Middle age men. Another $150 the next day on the hispanic soccer league. This was plenty to finance my weekend in Miami.

I was about 25 minutes from my destination, and was giving some thought to whether or not I packed appropriately. I was hardly interested in if I had enough underwear, or brought my tooth brush, rather if I brought enough bourbon and smokes. Miami’s campus jacked the prices up on smokes, and as far as boos went I had to bring my own, as I was only 18 and could not purchase for myself, and also my fake ID was hit and miss.

The drive from my apartment was around 45 minutes maybe a little longer depending on my attentiveness to the speed limit, and this particular day I didn’t pay it much mind. I lit another cigarette, the breeze was perfect. I recognized the stretch of old farm houses, I was coming up on the “Lion’s Den Adult Book Store”.

I always had planned to check that place out but I always bypassed such erotic shopping. I refocused and hand cranked my car window up. I turned up the music and checked my phone. I had a message.

“Hey, how far away are you?”-Carla

I responded, “I just passed the dirty book store, so I guess...20 minutes”

I sent the message and looked up to the road, as I probably should have been doing the whole time. A hard synth lick filled the car speakers, I turned it up and took a sip of water I had in my consel. “Hell of a life” by Kanye West. Damn, I thought I am impressed with this album. Just the latest single from his record My beautiful dark twisted fantasy. It was one of those albums that you can feel would become the soundtrack of your youth. I took it in, I felt my independence flow through me…”That’s one hell of a life”!!, shit no doubt I thought, I have my youth and that’s all I need.

14 minutes away I estimated, my phone started ringing, I thought about ignoring the call, but I felt it could be an emergency and picked up.

Carla: Hey you.

Danny(me): Hey what are you doing, I am about 15 minutes away?

Carla: I am waiting for you, it’s nice out so I am on the lawn outside of my dorm.

Danny: Oh Sweet okay well let me get off here and I’ll see you soon.

Carla: Okay babe, see ya...hang up.

Babe, hmm not a title I liked, she had hurt me too many times to throw that endearment out.

I drove up through the main campus green and made a quick right to get to Dorsey Hall dorms. I pulled way down towards the far building facing north and parked. I saw Carla standing there, she was wearing yoga pants, a Miami t-shirt and had her hair pulled back with no make-up on. I got out, stretched and threw my cigarette to the ground. She approached me and I hugged her and kissed her cheek.

“You made good time”, Carla said.

“I drove fast,″ I responded.

“Are you hungry”, she asked

“Yes for sure”, I spoke in an excited tone.

We got in my car and drove into town, we parked on a cobblestone street, and walked to a chicken wing joint. Inside was dark and smelled like fried food. I ordered a beer and a water, they didn’t ID me. Carla ordered a pepsi, and an appetizer of some kind.

“You are already drinking,″ she asked.

“Yes, I have been for an hour, I’m on vacation,″ I said.

We sat and talked for a while, she bored me, but I felt bad for her social ineptness and tried to encourage her new found social interactions. We drove to the campus bookstore, I saw a good looking guy running, and the thought of her with another guy made me sick. If she ever did, I hope she at least got off, she deserves that. I could never get her off, we tried everything, nothing worked, she became hyper aroused but could never truly finish.

We browsed in the bookstore, I looked at the classics and she looked through more spirit wear. She bought a t-shirt and I shoplifted a copy of Hamlet, I refuse to pay for Shakespeare. We walked north on W High Street to a small antique shop, I smoked a cigarette, Carla complained about this, because Oxford’s campus was working on a health initiative, I ignored her and continued walking. Inside the shop was hot and smelled of old age.

“Lets go to your room, before you have to go to class,″ I said

“I can walk you back to hang out there, but I have to get there soon, it starts at 5:30”, she responded.

“Nah,″ I snarled, “I’ll go to class with you”

We walked South for about twenty minutes towards Dennison hall. The students settled as the professor walked in. The professor was a soft spoken woman of Middle eastern heritage with a thick accent. She was giving a lecture on Advanced Algebra, to me a foreign language all on its own. I stepped out early and walked outside. I sat on a wall, lit a smoke and pulled out the flask of bourbon. The flask had a stainless steel finish with my initials engraved. I took a drag from it, and coughed. As class was out, I felt warm from the bourbon, I waved to Carla, she met me and we walked back to her dorm.

I had to be stealthy as I snuck inside, it was after hours and boys were not allowed on the 2nd or 3rd floor. I walked in her cramped room, with two beds, two desks and two dressers, her roommate was out. I stretched out on her bed and pulled on my pants to adjust my balls. She saw this and walked over, she sat on my stomach and leaned over, kissing my neck. I started to get a hard on and I twisted her over to kiss her harder, I took her breath and she groaned, I took off her shirt but she was resistant to taking off her bra, I pulled my pants down and then hers, I moved her panties over and penetrated her. After several minutes inside her I felt nothing and began to go flacid, I rolled off and felt a wave of shame.

“God damn”, I barked. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong”.

“Its okay,″ she said, putting her shirt back on.

Her roommate came in a few minutes later, Carla was at her desk and I was laying on her bed gripping my member through my jeans wondering what was wrong with me. Her roommate Janice, was a Michigan girl, with a plain looking face and flat demeanor. I pulled out a bottle of wine from my bag and poured to cups for Carla and I, we toasted to something trivial, we talked and drank for about two hours. After returning from the bathroom, I found a drawer of chocolates and began throwing them at Janice’s side of the room, all over her bed and night stand. Carla told me to stop, I laughed and walked out of the room, down the steps and out into the parking lot. I threw up next to a car, lit a smoke and walked in the direction of what I believed was my close friend in high school dorm. Todd and I were inseparable in school and had a synchronized sense of humor. Todd lived with his wealthy father in school and I often stayed with him when my folks kicked me out after an argument.

I went to text Todd but my phone was dead. I walked back to Carla’s dorm and it required a key access. I pressed my luck too far that night, and slept outside under a tree. In the morning I was standing by Carla’s dorm door, waiting for her to come out, when she did, she tried to walk past because she was mad I left. I tugged arm and told her how sorry I was and how pretty she looked, she did look exceptional. A blue sun dress hugged her body and her hair was down, her make up looked okay.

“Look, I am sorry Carla, I got too drunk and I made an ass out of myself, do you want me to go?”.

“No, stay you butt head, come with me, you can shower at the rec center and wait for me there until class is over, I can swipe you in for something to eat too,″ she explained.

I took some clothing out of another bag I had in my trunk and walked with her. The sun was extremely hot, the thought of mess hall food made my stomach turn, all I could taste was the wine and bourbon between belches. When I got there she left, I took a shower, went outside, smoked a cigarette and went back into get some fruit to eat. After this I went to the common area and slept for a couple hours with a bandana over my eyes that I brought in my pocket.

Around 4 pm Carla met me outside the rec center and we walked back to her dorm. I finally was able to charge my phone, and I awaited for a flood of notifications. Janice walked in with a tall young man, lean and a faint cast of facial hair. I said hello but they both just looked at me, she turned her attention to Carla.

“Hey, Carla this is Ricky, I am going to have him stay tonight, I thought maybe Danny would make it too much of a crowd”, Janice said condescendingly.

“Janice...I”, Carla whimpered.

“No, it’s okay,″ I said. “I am going to meet up with Todd tonight anyway, you all can enjoy your time.

Janice shot daggers with her eyes at me and so did Carla. I looked down at my wallet pulled cash out and began to count it. I folded the money in half I wanted to keep put aside. I ignored the other three in the room for the next hour while my phone charged.

Around 8 pm I got a text from Todd asking if I could meet him at the Brick Street Bar, near the antique shop. I agreed to, and walked to my car, I started it, lit a smoke, and drove east towards High Street. I was getting low on Bourbon and was anxious to see how I would get in the bar being underage. Tears of a clown came on the radio, my favorite song, the song that made me feel apart of the world instead of alone in it. Ah damn, maybe I was giving it too much spiritual thought, Smokey Robinson is good but not god. Good but not god, that was the goal I reached for, floating in holy mediocrity.

-End of Part 1.