Wrecked

The second I woke up that morning something told me the day wasn't gonna be an easy one. I was already very anxious in the last few days, but knowing that was my last day at the ward made it ten times worse. I shook that feeling to the back of my head and replaced it with the thought that everything was gonna be alright. I knew I couldn't ruin the progress I had made in the past weeks I was there, I knew I could go through just one more day.

I also knew I was fooling myself by thinking that.

Breakfast was easy, a bowl of strawberries and a can of vanilla ensure on my own since my legal guardians weren't able to go to the hospital that day. Morning snack an hour and a half later was already different, the bad feelings and thoughts were creeping their way in and I couldn't block them out. Lunch time things went downhill, the privilege of a private bathroom I took weeks to gain and the freedom I was about to get were put at risk.

I found myself locked in the bathroom ignoring my best mate's presence. He went to visit me for the last time before my discharge day to motivate me and I ignored him... Good friend, huh. A mix of rage and disappointment rose inside me as I looked up at my reflection in the mirror, completely ignoring his frenetic knocks at the door.

"Come on, manc. Open it." He insisted from the other side.

"Go away, Ackerman." My voice cracked a bit as a single tear formed on the inner corner of my eyes.

I dropped the razor blade on the floor and quickly wiped the tear away before it could fall. Six weeks locked up in a nut house trying to get rid of old habits, trying to recover for my family's sake, trying to fix myself and there I was, twenty four hours of being discharged and harming my body again. Who was I trying to fool? I knew from the very beginning I wouldn't make it, I knew I'd keep disappointing everyone around me. There was a constant voice in the back of my mind reminding me that I couldn't be fixed, and no matter how much I tried to ignore, I always listened to it at the end of the day.

"What are you talking about?" His voice was a mix of confusion and worry.

I sighed and reached to open the bathroom door. We looked at each other in silence for a few seconds, his expression completely confused. "My lunch is now in the toilet and I felt bad about it..." I lifted up the hem of the long green shirt I was wearing, revealing fresh bruises on my right upper thigh "...I deserved it, but now it's all ruined."

He swallowed as his face turned into a frown, his eyes became red-ish as tears began to form. He gently pushed me back inside the bathroom by my shoulders and locked the door behind us "Let's clean those cuts, okay? Just know that setbacks are normal and you're still getting out of here tomorrow."

"I'm not." I sighed "It's pretty clear I won't survive out there. I'm not strong enough to make it on my own, Gabe."

He cupped my cheeks with both hands and looked into my eyes "You're not on your own, you have your family. You have me, manc." He tightly hooked his arms around me and I did the same "We're in this together, I promise."

***

Amelia

I slowly opened my eyes as a low grunt left my lips, then looked down at my body to find out I was lying on a bed covered by a thin blue sheet. I attempted to sit up, but I couldn't sustain my upper body, I didn't have enough strength whatsoever. I slightly scratched my scalp as parts of my dream flashed through my mind. No, it wasn't just a dream, it was a memory. Why did I dream about him? About that day? From all good memories I had with him, why did I dream about that one?

"You're finally awake." I turned to my left to find the source of that voice and my eyes met his bare toned back. He threw a baby blue shirt over his shoulder while making his way towards the bed, siting on its end.

I tried to sit up once again, this time succeeding "The fuck you doing here, Collins?"

"Sweet as always, aye? Just came to borrow a clean shirt since Dan threw vodka and cake on mine." He said putting on the shirt and sticking a spliff in between his lips. He grabbed a silver lighter from his front pocket and lit it up, took a drag and handed it to me. I took a drag on the spliff as I rubbed my forehead, my head was still pounding and I still felt a bit dizzy. I took another long drag and held the smoke in for a few seconds while I handed it back to him.

"Is it hurting?" He pointed to my head with his chin "You must have hit it when you fell."

"What?" I asked confused. When did I fall? From where did I fall?

He let out a low sigh as the spliff made its way back to his lips "We found you passed out in the bathroom." He paused and blew a small cloud of smoke through the corner of his lips "You should drink carefully next time."

I backed up against the bed frame and folded my arms "You should mind your own business next time."

He stood up rolling his eyes "That's what I get for trying to be fucking nice, huh? Screw this." He walked towards the door and stopped for a second before facing me again "And tell that boyfriend of yours to stop trying to play big guy with me or I'll punch his baby face."

"He's not-" He walked out slamming the door before I could finish my sentence. I rested my head on the bed frame as I looked up at the ceiling waiting for his words to sink in. No, not the ones about my not boyfriend, the ones about me on the bathroom floor.

Soon everything started to come back, from the time I woke up and went shopping for a gift to the time I stopped partying with my friends claiming I was gonna check my makeup. I didn't remember drinking that much or getting so wasted to the point I'd pass out. I didn't remember because I didn't pass out due being wasted, I had nodded off because the euphoria was gone. I didn't went to the bathroom to check my makeup, I went to the bathroom because I needed one more dose to get through the rest of the night without being a burden to everyone around me. Ha, ironic, innit.

Dreaming about that day didn't feel so weird anymore considering I knew the reason for it. I knew what would happen if Gabriel found out what had really happened to me and even not being conscious, guilt was rising inside me.

My gaze shifted from the ceiling to the door as I heard its sound opening "How ya feeling?" He asked resting his back against the door.

"A little drowsy, but I'm good." I softly smiled as he made his way towards me. He climbed on the bed crossing his legs and stood quietly staring at me. His stare moved from my face down to my arm and I swallowed dry in nervousness. He knew I had gave into the temptation again.

"It was still lodged in your arm when I found you... And I had to pull that shit out, ya know?" He chuckled as he slightly shook his head side to side. I kept on blankly looking at his face, I didn't know what to say or do. He was disappointed on me, that's for sure. Even I was disappointed in myself "Guess you're still a jun-"

"I'm not a bloody junkie!" I stated in annoyance as I tightly gripped on the sheet that covered my lower body. I hated when he called me that.

He scoffed "It's your friend's birthday party and you were shooting dope in the bathroom. You're just being pathetic by denying it."

I plainly stared at him and he sighed as soon as he realized what he had said. I stood up and put on a pair of slippers that were near the bed, not even carrying about looking for my own shoes. He grabbed my arm trying to stop me, but I shook it off of his grip and kept on making my way out of the room.

The dizzysness I felt got a tad stronger as I made my way down the stairs in search of the one who always helped me in bad situations. I walked into the kitchen ignoring the couple that chatted by the counter and went straight to one of the cabinets, pulling a bottle out of it and chugging it down. Jose, my most loyal friend since I was twelve. I swallowed the liquid without taking breaks to breathe, it burnt a bit, but it felt good. The more I thought about what Gabe said the more I drank in attempt to shut his voice down.

Maybe he didn't mean to hurt me, he's my best friend since 5th grade and always stuck up for me. He knows I've been through hard times in life and I've made pretty poor decisions in attempt to cope with everything. Maybe he was just too worried about the decisions I've been making recently, worried I'd get lost seeking help within old dirty habits. Maybe it was all of that, but he still had no right to call me the way he did, it wasn't like I had lost control. I'm not an addict, I know what I'm doing, I have control.

"Amy, are you okay?" Tristan gripped on my shoulders making me turn around and pecked my lips, I nodded and gave him a half smile. "I see passing out wasn't enough to make you stop." He said looking at the bottle on the counter behind me and I shrugged.

"Thanks for the letting me borrow your jacket, by the way." I took the tequila bottle in my hand and took another sip "Come on, let's see what's left of the party."

Tristan took my hand in his and lead us back to the living room where the party was really happening. Well, really happened. I had missed most part of the night because I was too busy nodding off, but the party wasn't over yet, so maybe I could enjoy at least the end of it. We sat on the small couch on the corner of the living room and talked as we sipped on our drinks and watched the messy teens around us. There were a few people still dancing, others chatting with their friends; a few ones running to barf all the alcohol while another few were already sleeping the drunkness away.

"I've gotta go to the bathroom, I'll be back soon." I nodded and he kissed my cheek before walking up the stairs.

As I waited for him to return from the bathroom something beeped inside his pocket, I picked his phone to see if it was an important call and there was a text message on the screen from someone named Rose.

"Hey, don't forget dinner tomorrow night at 7, xo"

I assumed it was his stepmom due her name being Rose, but I knew there was a possibility it was someone else. I wasn't gonna creep into his messages to see if he had another chick on the side, we only knew each other for a bit more than a week and nothing serious was going on, so I just slide his phone back into the pocket and returned to my drinking.

"Oh look, she's finally awake!" She laughed while walking in my direction with Daniel by her side, as if trying to stop her from getting near me. It was pretty obvious she had drank more than she could handle considering she wasn't walking straight. "I'm impressed, Amy, you made your friend's birthday be about you. Did you get enough attention or do you need more?" She grabbed her chin as if contemplating her own question. I knew she always said more than she wanted when she drank, we had that in common, but her anger didn't seem like a drunk moment to me. She was really trying to make me feel bad for what happened and she was succeeding.

"We can talk when you're sober, Heather." I sighed.

"Good thing because if we depended of your sobriety we would never talk." She chuckled, I looked at Daniel who rubbed his arms while mouthing 'don't mind her'

I wasn't in the mood for drunk Heather, so I gave Dan another birthday hug and walked out to the empty backyard, all I wanted was quietness and a smoke.

"Fuck sake" I thought to myself in frustration as I looked for my lighter in my pockets and didn't find it. It was probably upstairs in Dan's room, but I wasn't keen about going in there again. I sat down under a tree and started to pick on the grass trying to distract myself from my thoughts, but it didn't seem to work.

Gabe, Heather, Daniel, my other mates and family... I was disappointing them all and when they tried to help, I got mad at them. I knew they worried because they think my bad habits are destroying me little by little, but how could I give up on things that helped me to deal with my own self?

I closed my eyes and breathed deeply as thoughts and more thoughts filled my mind, and just like that I was off again.

***

I felt a sting of coldness as I regained counsciosness, I opened my eyes and found myself lying on the same couch I was before. Great, someone saw my drunk ass passed out under a tree in the backyard. I sat up and looked around the living room, empty bottles everywhere and a few people already sleeping on the floor and on the bigger couch. I carefully stood up trying not to step on anyone and made my way upstairs to look for my friends.

I looked in two rooms before I found the right one. I slowly walked in carefully closed the door trying not to make any sounds. Dan and Gabe shared the bed while Gunther slept on the floor with a girl besides him. I heard a sigh and saw Gabe lifting his sheet a bit, signaling me to lay next to him. I walked closer while he rolled to the middle of the bed, making room for me. I lied with my head on his left arm and his right one wrapped around me and he began to stroke my forearm. "I'm not addicted to it, Gabe. I can stop anytime."

"Then do it. The speed, the dope... Stop with everything. Please." He whispered and I slightly nodded in response.

Truth is I couldn't promise him anything. I didn't lie, I really could stop whenever I wanted, thing is I didn't know if I wanted to. No, I didn't want to, at least not in that moment. That was one of my ways of coping and I couldn't give up on it. I could slow down on it, sure, but not give up completely. I knew things wouldn't end up good if I kept on like that, but I was quite used to never having good endings.

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