Inside out
Its different for everyone.
Because everyone's darkness is different.
Just knowing there's someone there that will listen is enough.
Sometimes.
St. John's wort helps.
The biggest part, I think, that many misunderstand, is when your depressed and need to talk to someone, the other person feels as if they are supposed to have a solution.
Because most of the conversations can be challenging to hear. Especially if they are sad and the subject is repeated. Which is the case, more often then not. Due to our mind trying to comprehend the uncomprehendable. Making the one listening get frustrated and want to fix or give advice or solve the issue their hearing, because the solution seems so obvious, to them and everyone else.
But to the one being sucked into the darkest thickest black hole, they've never.. known.. before..
If there was a solution or an answer I wouldn't be reaching out in the first place.
It's something, I thought, I understood.
Until you have experienced it, you will never fully grasp how utterly terrifying it can be. Especially, as was my experience, everyone I thought were my long time friends and my family got tired of hearing me repeat what was eating at my soul and destroying my heart.
They stopped calling. Stopped texting. Stopped all contact. Which made my already desperate frame of mind even worse.
When I could muster the power to call and reach out to anyone again, in desperation, just to know, that I wasnt alone. To hear a different voice other than my own.
Never would i have thought that these people I trusted to be there when I needed them. did..not..answer.
I think that is one of the worst things to experience.
When your so deep in the darkness and adding the unbearable reality that, not one person in your life. you needed. even just to hear their voice, not one, Stayed for you.
Not one stopped for a second, to give someone they knew was hanging by a Thread, not one wanted my misery to impede on their happy, wonderful existence.
all because they thought that I was not appreciating their advice and I wasn't calling them to ask how their day was. How could I possibly think about their day when mine was so completely distorted I didn't know what day it even was most of the time. That may sound selfish. And at one time I was told I was being very selfish.
That was a word that cut like a knife right through my fragile mind. Selfish. I guess it could be considered selfish, in the context that at the time I had to be since the alternative would have ended my existence. The selfish in my case was my desperate attempt to not let the darkness consume me completely. If I had I wouldn't be writing this now. Selfish or self preservation. Neither actually, looking back through with a different frame of mind and perspective, I can say that the selfish others were so quick to judge was me doing what all the suicide/depression propoganda say to do: reach out. So I did. No I wasn't able to add the 'hows your day' to the conversation. I was barely able to get a sentence out without bursting into tears. And rambling on like a broken record.
It takes a lot to break a person. But the only person doing the breaking is our own minds. On several occassions, there came a point, that I was done...
Couldn't hold on to the edge anymore.
Nobody would miss me, nobody cared. Is what my mind had convinced itself was the truth. Easier than feeling the unbearable pain as I felt both my soul and my heart break into pieces. Each piece was a separate agonizing reminder of the dark hole I couldn't climb out of. My world was consumed by a tar pit as black as the hole I barely climbed out of.
There's a point that the fatigue, both mentally and physically drains every last bit of energy out of you. I was tired. Tired of fighting what I saw as a losing battle. Tired of feeling. Tired of hoping someone would stop when they saw my tears or heard my pain. And not just walk by as if I was invisible.
Alone in a room full of people. The emptiness and loneliness and despair felt like a million ton weight crushing me. A darkness filled with unheard cries for help slowly sucking me under.
Right when I let myself start falling into the abyss, my mind my soul and my heart let go of everything I was and all at once I felt nothing but a calm I can't describe, no thoughts, no pain. And for that instant, in longer than I can remember, I was free.
something stopped me.
Something cracked the shell I didn't realize I had.
Something told me, that no matter what I thought I didn't need.
no matter what I felt I couldn't handle.
no matter how much I thought i just couldn't hold on,. I was wrong...
That something in my case was one thought one glimpse of the three things in my life that were there no matter what. My two kids and my dad. The strength and love I felt from that single thought was enough to pull me out of the hole I had succumed to. My dad made sure to keep in contact with me more than once a week. Which for him was not something he did. And my kids needed their mom. That was all it took.
Because each and every time I climbed out of that thick, black pit of hopeless misery, a piece of me disappeared.
or so I thought.
In reality that piece changed.
That piece was a new layer
That piece became who I thought I never could be.
The me that I had always stuffed aside to take care of everyone else.
It wasn't easy.
Ive hit the bottom so hard, i never thought I would climb out again, or find all the broken pieces of my heart and soul...
But I did.
Slowly.
After Hours and hours and years of tears...
We all have a purpose.
We are all here for a reason.
We all have something this world needs.
Each and every person you meet no matter how long or how short a time, or if it was a good or bad experience. There is always, always something they have to teach us. Something we didn't know we needed. A gift of sorts. To help us on this long journey we call life.
The darkness is your minds way of stopping for a recharge and redirect.
Listen...
There's more to the silence than what your mind wants u to hear. Our mind will inevitably lie
You are never alone.
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•Feb 10 ~ 12:44am•
