Prelude
" Climb down the rope now, we don’t have much time.”
" We do have enough time, it’s her we’re talking about .”
Ryou peers at him. ” Listen to me Zed, it's me who is out of time and you still have a long future ahead of you to achieve great things...do not miss out.”
" Let go together, we’ll find ways to fix you.”
" ....and leave her to die?!”
Violet sparks shatter as swords of antithetical timelines brush against each other. The physique of beings beyond the human lifeforms, mad reflexes defending each corner of the body and speed that pretty much surpasses the vision of a human eye. All we could see is dazzling colors dancing in unison, but all they could see is the experience compared to each other.
" She could survive by herself. ”
" The chances are too low for me to realize I could’ve done something. ”
Suddenly a blazing vortex emit towards Ryou and a screaming sound of ” Watch out!” caught his attention. He grabs onto the tanto sword on his right side and swings it diagonally against the whirlpool of fire. An instant vigorous wind propels the flames away but it tears the fibers of the rope apart. Ryou leaps forward and clasps on the rope as hard as he could stopping the weight of zed dragging the rope down to his death.
" Keep climbing, I can’t hold on much longer.”
Zed slides down the rope and grabs it halfway making him reach the ground faster, but the sudden impact makes the collision between the disc-like rocks on the cliff and the rope stronger cutting it into two.
80 feet. Ryou palms burning as he felt his body getting weaker.
75 feet. Ryou lets go of the pivot of the rope and clenching the rope with two hands.
63 feet. His sweat drenches his face and the sweaty palms are sliding a few inches away from his hands.
58feet. Ryou gets pulled closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.
50 feet. ” 未だだ ( not yet ) .... 未だだ ( not yet )...”
48 feet. Ryou put his whole body weight and the rope snaps off before his very eyes.
The wind builds up at Zed’s fingertips next is the back of his head making his hair floats. His brain piles up with emotions...... confusion.......then pitch black.
His last image was the look to Ryou’s helpless eyes, hands fully stretched out hoping to grab onto him. Although he heard nothing, he was certain someone shouted his name.
HI, we like the excitement of the first chapter, and the changes in drop height shown in feet add to the excitement. It is very hard to write in the present tense, and although this sometimes adds to a story, there are instances where you revert to past tense, making it hard to read. Catches, not caught; is not was; hears not heard for present tense. Swords brush against each other, not brushes -plural nouns need plural verbs. The dialogue is exciting and well written. The action scenes need a bit of work. It may be helpful to tell the reader just a little more about who 'she' is. Just a hint could work well. Altogether a good start to a very interesting story. Well done.
So far you’re doing well. your grammar needs work but doesn’t all of ours. You switch a little between tenses which is an easy fix if you just decide if you want to write in past or present tense, then go through and switch your verbs and what not to match with your chosen tense.
Likes: the Japanese setting! your knowledge of swords seems good, and your hiragana and kanji needs no correcting! I was impressed, I thought I found a mistake then realized it was my own mistake bc I was reading hatsu as hashi at first lol I really hate シとツ
Dislikes: I do not like when stories open up with their first line being dialogue. I suppose it’s not a rule, but I personally suggest using a more vivid and somewhat concise narration to grabs readers, then go into your dialogue
I would also enjoy some more descriptions about the characters and what’s going on. be detailed with everything to make us feel like we are there and know Ryou personally!
oh, also, I like how Ryou is the black sheep! that’s a perfect example of the type of character quality I would like to see more of (and I’m sure I will when I read more!)