Untitled chapter
I had a dream last night.
It was about you again. I know I have to move on, but how?
How do I move on when my heart and soul is bound to you?
Even after how you left me, my heart still clings to you.
I have never loved anyone as much as I love you. It’s been around 6 months since you broke up with me and I still worry about you. I still want to know what’s going on. I miss you. Not just physically. I miss your smile. Your laughter. Your smell. Your company. Your odd and bizarre thoughts. Your eyes... Oh, your eyes. I always used to tell you that they reminded me of a stormy sea. Strong but controlled. And when you used to look at me, it was as if I was your whole world. Like I was the stars in the sky.
Remember the island trip?
That housed some of my most cherished memories
Remember when I would come into your bed, we’d cuddle up and talk for hours. Amongst other things. I would always stay in your arms long enough for you to go into a deep sleep. Then I’d have to slowly wiggle out of your warm, safe grip. I’d have to go back into my cold, unwelcoming bed so we didn’t get in trouble by your parents.
And in the morning?
I would wake up before you, look at your peaceful sleeping face and see my whole world in front of me. Your dad would tell us it was time to get up and you slowly open your eyes and once they rested upon me, you looked like the happiest person alive. I’d walk over to your bed and you sit up and wrap your arms around me and hold me tight. You rest your head on my stomach. You look up to me and id see those beautiful blue eyes. They held such emotion. I’d run my fingers through your thick wavy hair and kiss you on the forehead.
On that trip, I also learned more about what a normal family does. And it was very different from my family. You guys made nice jokes and you hated your dad's jokes. I loved them, no matter how silly they were.
Remember we went into the kitchen to make breakfast? I couldn’t believe that you were mine... I could barely keep my hands to myself. I wanted to hug you and hold you close so I didn’t lose you... I came up behind you as you were pouring cereal and I wrapped my hands around your torso and just sighed in bliss. I love you with all my heart. I did then. And I still do now. But I had to let go and let you make your breakfast after a little giggle from the both of us.
I loved the way you would listen to me talk about animals.
Remember when your family invited me to the rainforest walk?
It was amazing. We’d hold hands and happily walk together through the rainforest. you’d hear me talk about all sorts of animals and you were so content and happy to listen to me. You made me feel special. You made me feel like I was your world.
Yes, there were times where you wanted to play video games with the boys, but that was nothing. Most of the time I joined you guys.
And then out of nowhere on the 23rd of December 2018, you broke my heart. You crushed it. I didn’t see it coming. I had to work the next day... That night when you said it wasn’t working out... I had never been in such pain before... I’ve been severely neglected, abused and sexually assaulted as a child. But nothing compared to the heartbreak. I was broken. I truly was. And then the next afternoon, Christmas eve, you messaged me. You apologized and said you haven’t stopped crying either. That you love me, and you miss me, and you want me back. I was so happy... Of course, I said yes. I thought I’d never lose you from that point onwards. I planned my whole life with you. I truly wanted to marry you. To always have you by my side. I wanted that more than anything... My heartache on that night caused me some health problems though. I couldn’t bear to tell you though. That these weird heart palpitations were because you broke my heart. But we were happy again. At least that’s what I thought...
6 months after you broke up with me the first time, we had an argument over humanitarian things. A silly argument. And you sided with my friend. She broke my trust... She shared a secret from a past boyfriend and it hurt you. Yet you sided with her? You asked me if trust is worth ruining relationships... I said yes. If there is no trust, there is no relationship... Trust is everything. We were going good for a month after that. I trusted you. I never looked at your social media or anything. Because I trusted that you loved me, that you wouldn’t drop this amazing committed relationship. That was the second time I was wrong...
You left me after another stupid argument. And said that the first breakup should have been the last one? That it wasn’t your depression fucking up your feelings?
Were you acting for 6 months...? Were you faking that 6 months?
I couldn’t sleep in my bed... Because it smelled like you... Before you went on the school ski trip, you gave me your jacket that smelled like you so I wouldn’t miss you as much. You broke up with me the day you got back from the ski trip... I begged and prayed that you’d come back... But this time you meant it... I had to pack up your things into a bag. I didn’t sleep that night. I cried and screamed all night... That pain came back and was doubled in strength. The minute I smelled your scent on the jacket I lost it... I broke down again... I kicked and screamed and fell to the floor. I bashed my fists against the floor. Trying to find an outlet for the pain...
I had a self-harm issue before. So, did you.
When we got into the big argument before you broke up with me, I took a blade and carved the word “think” into my upper thigh. To forever remind me to think before I say anything... I never even said anything rude or mean. It was simply about humanity as a whole...
I had to pack the rest of your things...
And when I got to your necklace you gave me after our first-time having sex... I broke down again... That necklace meant so so much to me. More than you would know. I remember how you gave it to me. How I felt so special. You hugged me and said you wanted to give me your necklace because you knew I loved it so much. You hugged me, took it off and slowly put it around my neck. I rarely took it off. Only to shower or if I went for a swim. And when I had to take it off for the last time... It was too much to bear... It really was. But I had to get all your belongings out of sight. Hoping that would help. But it didn’t... You see, my bed had smelled like you. Because before you left for the trip, you fell asleep in my bed. The night after I packed your things, I was exhausted. Beyond just emotionally drained. I was dead. I collapsed into bed. I rolled over and closed my eyes. Your scent drifted into my nostrils like a poison... The scent that brang me all the comfort and peace and serenity? It had caused all the pain and sorrow to become too much. I shot out of bed, trying not to scream in agony. I sat on the floor crying, rocking back and forth. I can’t remember if I managed to get back into bed or not.
One of our friends got me out of the house. He took me for a drive and bought me lunch. I had to act brave and strong of course. I couldn’t show how broken I was inside.
Then school came back a week after the breakup...
You wanted to see me that morning. I got there early... I tried so so hard to not cry... But I couldn’t. My friends tried to comfort me, but I tried to act tough. Then you came along. I tried to act extra tough. But I broke down as you walked over. I walked away a little to try and regain my composure. My friend was helping me. Attempting to at least. Then I had to face the end of everything I loved...
You hugged me... And that was it. Everything came crashing down... I tried so so hard to not cry on your uniform. But I couldn’t help it... The way you held me close. Your smell... Your strong arms around me. The feeling of being completely safe... Gone. The wat we used to hug was so embedded in both of us that as we parted our hands slid down each other’s arms to hold each other’s hands like we always did... You were the first to realize this... You let your hands go flat, making me have to move my hands away... I couldn’t bare it. I looked up to you and sore nothing in your eyes. Just emptiness. Nothingness. There was no love. No emotion at all...and it tore down every wall I tried to build up. I wanted to leave. I wanted to scream and hit a wall. I wanted it all to be a terrible nightmare. But it was real... As we stood there... You said you still wanted to help me get through this. That I would get through it. That you still cared about me... I know you were trying to be supportive... But it killed me. It really killed me. We had to walk to class in silence. I sat next to someone else and had my head down on the table. I didn’t want to look, talk or socialize with anyone. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to be alive...
I tried to stay strong. Everyone was always saying I was really strong that week. But guess what you did. You went and started pursuing the girl who betrayed my trust. A week after a year and a half long committed relationship and you're chasing another girl... And my old best friend? I didn’t think you were like that...
Then I hear at the ski trip, you were saying goodnight to me hours before you went to bed to spend time with her? I trusted you... And you crushed my heart...
We had to go to the lecture theatre one day in the first week back at school, you tried to sit next to me? Why? I don’t understand why you want to torment me like that... And then the girl got up and walked past you, the way you looked at her. Was the same way you used to look at me...? Your eyes followed her and I couldn’t take it anymore. I moved to the very front, to one of my friends. Put my head on her desk and grabbed her arm for support. I was shaking. My legs could barely handle it. My body was heaving, i could barely breathe. It felt as if you pressed your fingers into my chest, tore out my heart, threw it to the floor and then threw shattered glass in it...
My body could barely handle this amount of pain. My friends were now extremely concerned. I didn’t realize I was holding my friend's arm so tight. I let go and tried to calm my breathing. That day was tough.
Then.
He walked her to the school gate. Opposite of where he had to go. He never did that for me... Never. He was 30 mins late to training because he was making out with her... He was always in a rush to get to training...
And then he kissed her in front of me... I couldn’t take it. Were you trying to cause me as much pain as possible? Was that your goal? Because I had never felt such pain ever in my life... If that was your goal, well guess what. You did it.
6 months later and I am still hurting. I can sleep well on most nights. But there are a few nightmares still.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to love someone quite like I loved you. You were different. You were my life. And you shattered my heart.
