Good beginning, yet needs some fine-tuning.

"You have a good beginning here. You have a definite outline of your plot and are good in conveying emotions through your text. However, if I may add some critique: You have the tendency to jump tenses. Like using present tenses in one sentence, and using past tenses in the next. You need to be consistent in your tense. Or you write everything in present tenses, or you write everything in past tenses. But that's a minor detail that automatically get worked out the more you read and write. Another thing is a slight lack of descriptions. While I am absolutely sure that you have a perfect image in your mind how the story should be, the reader doesn't . You need to add some descriptions about your characters, as a name alone isn't enough. Give them some quirks, something that defines them from the flock :) However, you have a very good beginning. With enough re-reading, reading books and writing, I am sure you'll put down a bestseller!"