Lamorakon

Fantasy writer. Writes adventure stories for young adults and people young at heart. Loves feedback to improve ! Updates for Sange daily.

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Very nice beginning.

You've got a very nice beginning here! You make sure your characters have a definitive voice, and they are clearly defined in the way they interact with those around them. However, if I may add a little tip: I would advise you to describe the environments your characters live. Like in chapter 3, where you described your character waking up in a room with a bench and a TV. You can also add if it was a classic room or a modern one, filled with objects or rather empty (like a newly rented room).

However, you are definitely on the right track! Keep it up and have fun writing your next chapters!

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Good start!

At the time of writing, there has only been one chapter uploaded. So I'll talk about that one.

I do certainly some natural talent. You have a clear knack of writing, although that knack is still evolving as you write, I'm sure. You do a very good job of reflecting your main character's thoughts with the use of italics and don't overuse it either, which is a very good thing! You also use quite a bit of dialogue in your text.

However, if I may add a little point of critique: You seem to have the tendency to use walls of text instead of splitting them up in smaller parts. Don't be afraid to cut bigger paragraphs of text into smaller bits , with dialogue between them to make the story flow. Long paragraphs are hard on your reader's eyes, you know.

Anyway, you've got quite a decent plot going and have quite the style as well. Keep writing , good luck!

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Quite a good book, just some little details to work on.

Quite a good book! The plot is intriguing, with a heroine that is conflicted by her mingled heritage and wants to know what she actually is. It's actually quite a metaphoric plot, good job! Your descriptions are also very nice: not too much so that your reader drowns in details, yet not withholding any details either.

If I may add a little piece of critique, however: You write in a third-person perspective. Don't be afraid to show the characters' thoughts, the reasons behind their personal actions. Give them quirks, things that set them apart from the flock. Don't be afraid to give your readers a glimpse in the mind of your main character and her allies. Maybe even her enemies.

However, all in all, a very good first book! Keep up the good work!

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Quite a good and solid start!

I do like your writing style. It's very engaging, with lots of dialogue between characters to present them to your reader in a better way than just describing them. On the point of description, I would advise describing the surroundings where your characters live a bit more, but that's just me.

However, if I may add a tiny point of critique: I've seen various sentences missing their '.' . Or sometimes, sentences missing a capital letter. But I'm sure that, when you re-read your chapters, that you will spot those on your own!

All in all, a very good start, keep up the good work!

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Quite a good book, but some minor details...

I do like your book, and how the premise plays out! However, near the middle and end of the story, I found the switching letters and letter style a bit... off-putting? And switching POV's is handy to make sure your reader knows what each character is thinking about some instances, but I would advise to use omnipotent third-person POV then and not constantly switch between characters' heads.

However, this is still a very good book! Good job!

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Quite a marvelous beginning!

I do quite like your writing style and the plot of this story! It has a lot of potential to grow and turn the reader's mind around a few times! If executed correctly, of course, and I have the distinct feeling you are more than capable of doing just that! Your writing style is quite descriptive as well, which is only a good thing!

I didn't notice any particular errors in your writing style, aside from the very occasional missing '.' . But I only encountered that one time, and I was looking very closely for it.

Good luck writing your next chapters!

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Very solid start, keep it up!

I do like the premise of your story: two lovers, torn apart for world peace and on an organisation's whims. And how they meet each other once more after an agonizingly long time. This can develop into quite a twisty tale, because people change throughout time, right?

If I may add a small tip, however: I noticed you use a lot of the verb to say? But that verb gets a little bit... overused after a time. As you know, people don't just speak: they shriek, they answer, they ask, they babble, they groan, they grumble and mumble... Try to swap some of your 'to say' verbs with synonyms to give your character more depth without needing to use an extra sentence. And one more small tip: try to describe the environments your characters are in . Close your eyes and try to imagine the scene right in front of you: what do you see? Or what do you want your reader to notice?

However, you do have a very good start and quite an intriguing plot. Keep it up and have fun writing your next chapter!

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Very solid start, but be mindful of details.

I do like your start. You give enough expositional information through your introduction about the world where your story takes places in. Although a reader would maybe like a storytelling perspective more. As in an old man telling children a story from ages past, in that sense. Your writing style is very detailed, which is a very good thing!

However, while your style is very good, be mindful of your perspective. In the middle of your second chapter, you suddenly swap perspective from a third-person, outsider perspective to a 'We' perspective, which confused me slightly. And then you swapped the 'We'-perspective for an 'I'- perspective without giving your main character a name or physical appearance. So keep that in mind going forward, yes?

But all in all, a very, very solid start to your story! Keep it up and good luck writing your next chapters!

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Quite an interesting plot!

Your plot is very interesting, what with your victim knowing who will kill him and when. However, you don't really reveal (yet) why and how he is going to be killed. Nor do you reveal how he knows he's going to be killed, but that adds to the mystery, which is a good thing!

While I was reading through your chapters, I found some minor details regarding your punctuation, like missing some ','. However, those are very minor details and are barely noticeable if your reader doesn't look at them.

All in all, a very solid read! Keep it up!

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Very good beginning!

You have quite a relaxed writing style, which is a very good thing. You take your time explaining the characters and the beginning of the plot. Which is very good in a fantasy story, with a world of your own making and its own rules.

However, if I may give you a slight tip: you seem to type extremely fast, as sometimes, your letters have been swapped. Like 'becuase' instead of 'because'. However, those are some minor details. Another tip that I want to give you is this one: give your main character an appearance. While we do know his/her name (Alec could be a male or female name, in my opinion), we don't really know what your main character looks like. I do like, however, that you gave your reader ample insight in what he liked and disliked mentally.

All in all, a very solid start! Keep it up, and have fun writing your next chapters!

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Very, very good story! Yet take note of some specific word-usage.

I very much like your writing style. It is very descriptive, describing the feelings of the characters while remaining in a respectful third-person writing style. You also have a nice pace going with your words, not letting your chapters getting bogged down with too much details. In other words, you have a healthy balance between details and pace.

However, don't forget to spice up your word-usage. While it is important to keep clarity in your story (regarding who speaks, and who feels what), using only 'he' and 'she' in longer parts of your chapters gets a bit confusing for your reader after a while. Their mind will wander who spoke, instead of what was said, for example.

However, it is a very solid book, and your writing style is very good! Keep it up!

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Very good beginning!

I do like how you opened your story (the first chapter specifically) by letting your reader feel the fear and confusion of your main character, while also planting some seeds of questions that hopefully will be answered in the future chapters. I also quite your characterization, how you portray a character while avoiding bogging down the story with too much details. You leave space for your reader to imagine some of the details for themselves, creating an unique experience for everyone.

If I may give a bit of critique, you sometimes relapse into forgetting '.' or forgetting ','. However, those are minor details, of course!

I also really like your usage of cliffhangers, keeping your reader engaged and anxious (in a good way) to read the next chapter. Keep up the good work, and have fun writing the next chapters!

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Very good begin, but don't forget your style.

The begin is quite good, with leaving the reader with some questions about the fire. However, don't forget to give your reader impressions of how your character feels, and not only through words. Like a description of how the fire felt, the confusion the roaring flames leave behind and how the smoke would burn her lungs. When you write in first-person, try to place yourself in the same place as your character and imagine what she must be feeling: Fear (like shivers and cold sweat?), or rage (feeling hot and ready to pounce?) or happiness ( that fuzzy feeling in your stomach?).

However, I am absolutely sure that you will make this story sparkle! Try to find a greater goal of your plot as well, like a true end that you work towards throughout the story. Don't forget to give your characters a face and some peculiar quirks to make them even more interesting!

I am sure you are more than capable of making your story shine like a star, good luck and have fun writing the next chapters of your story, you can do it!

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Solid start, keep your writing syntax in mind though...

You have a solid start with a decent chapter-length. Of course, at the time of this writing, you've only uploaded one chapter, so I can't write much. Yet. You do have a very descriptive style, keep hold of that! It's a good thing!

If I may add a little point of critique though: You have the tendency to use text-walls. As in using massive paragraphs without any spacing. But those are hard to read through, as a reader. I would advise you to use dialogue to cut through the text-walls, splitting them and maybe even omit some sentences to create a clearer reading experience.

However, I see great potential in you, keep up writing and reading!

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Good beginning, yet needs some fine-tuning.

You have a good beginning here. You have a definite outline of your plot and are good in conveying emotions through your text.

However, if I may add some critique: You have the tendency to jump tenses. Like using present tenses in one sentence, and using past tenses in the next. You need to be consistent in your tense. Or you write everything in present tenses, or you write everything in past tenses. But that's a minor detail that automatically get worked out the more you read and write.

Another thing is a slight lack of descriptions. While I am absolutely sure that you have a perfect image in your mind how the story should be, the reader doesn't . You need to add some descriptions about your characters, as a name alone isn't enough. Give them some quirks, something that defines them from the flock :)

However, you have a very good beginning. With enough re-reading, reading books and writing, I am sure you'll put down a bestseller!

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Quite a good story, needs some proofreading and re-writing though

Quite a good book! You do have a good chapter length (a thing some people (like me) struggle with) in each chapter, and an intriguing plot. You also have a nice pacing going on, keep that in mind when you re-read your message.

However, if I may add a small point of critique: You seem to use a lot of so-called text walls. By which I mean, A lot of text without any spacing between it. I saw that you use a lot of dialogue, don't be afraid to split those text-walls into smaller pieces, using dialogue as your guide.

You also had a question about something missing about your story... What I suggest is the following: without looking back at your story, write down the goal you had in mind (what emotions did you want your reader to have when they finished the book?) . Then, with the mind of an outsider , re-read your book and write down key plot-points. Then compare the emotions you felt with your goal. Do they match? Great, then you have a good storyline and can add things (like extra challenges your characters has to go through, or deepening of your characters' psyche). Otherwise, try to pinpoint the fault and rework it.

Hope this helps, good luck!

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Very good and futuristic!

Quite a good short story! I do like how you make sure that your reader understands the questions the program has about the world outside its plastic confines. And how its creator answers them. The funny thing is that this isn't that far into the future, and you nailed how AI should react in the near future! Maybe, if I had to add a point of critique, maybe use clear signs for speech and not differently coloured text? Some people get slightly annoyed seeing that, apparently.

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Very good story!

I do quite like the story and the direction you are taking. A bit 'Harry Potter'-like, but with a definite unique twist that makes this a whole original story. I love it! I also like your usage of dialogue to expose your plotline, not using walls of text to reveal what is going on around your characters! Your writing style is also quite nice to reveal the thoughts of your main characters.

If I may add a little point of critique: I would advice using more details to describe the environments your characters live in. Not that much more, of course, but still... The environments are sometimes a bit hazy for me to imagine...

However, this is a really good book! Good job!

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Very good start, good plot, but keep your style in mind!

Your plot is quite intriguing, and you certainly have enough detail in your writing, which is only a good thing. Keep that up!

However, if I may add a little piece of critique: You seemingly don't use the right '"' for when someone speaks, and you seem to forget ',' in some places as well, so that some sentences are rammed on together... But after you read through it once more, I'm sure you can get that out of your story and make it even better!

Good luck and have fun writing your next chapters!

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Solid start!

You've got quite a solid start here, with the apparent pranking (and subsequent discovery of time-warping). I also like your attention to detail and the pacing of the story. Quite a good job!

However, if I may bring a point of critique: I saw that you have the tendency to put lots of words in one part, all together without any spacing between them. Don't be afraid to break big walls of texts into easier-to-read morsels for your readers. It's easier on their eyes, and easier for you to search for any potential mistakes and to keep track of where the story is.

However, this is a very solid start! Keep up the good work!

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Very good book!

You do have a very intriguing plot, and your writing style is very bloody, in a very good way! Quite detailed as well, with the right amount of details without putting off your readers without too much gore. Although I would advise you to up your age-bracket to 18+ (a severed child's head is, I think, a pretty graphic explanation...) but that is your own choice, of course.

However, if I may add a tiny bit of critique: You seem to have a slight habit of writing "wrong" words (probably due to autocorrect) like there instead of they're or their. But those are minor details and not even that noticeable. Only if you looking for them, you find them

However, this is a very good book! Keep up the good work in any future works you have planned!

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Good start.

I do like how you started your story, with an introduction filled with questions. That makes your readers want more!

However, if I may hand you a small tip: don't forget that your reader doesn't know how the characters look. In the first chapter, you haven't spoken about how either character looks, or what environment they are in. These two things are crucial to have your reader imagine the rest of the story along what they read. So, add some details (I advise closing your eyes and describing what your main character would see when they looked around) about your characters (quirks or special physical trademarks) and your environments.

However, it is a very solid start to a book! I hope my feedback will help you. Have fun writing your next chapters!

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Very solid start!

It is a very solid start to a story, with the right amount of expositional information and details in the surroundings. I also quite like how you turn a normal thing (fishing for food) in a much more interesting plotline (battling the crabs).

However, if I may give you a tip: I saw some minor words being misspelled (be->me) where one letter had been replaced by another one. Maybe that's because you are a rapid typer, and if I didn't look for them, I wouldn't notice. So it is a minor detail. Also, a small thing: While you have a very good descriptive style, you didn't describe the physical appearance of the main character (Max), yet you did a very good job of describing his mental thoughts. Which is a good thing!

All in all, a very solid start. Keep it up and have fun writing your next chapters!

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Very, very nice insights of a crumbling mind.

I do quite like your writing style. Enough description for your writer to have a decent vision of the surroundings and the inner workings of your characters (using switching first-person perspectives). I also quite like how you portrayed Eve's mind, and how it crumbled on occasions to make her feel crazy. Your details also don't bog down the story, or the pace of the chapters.

I have a minor tip though: While I was reading through your chapters, I noticed some minors 'faults' (not really fault, more like details). Like ',' missing or words that suddenly change from present tense to past tense and back. However, if you don't look for them, the reader barely notices them, so that isn't an issue!

All in all, a most excellent read!

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Quite a marvelous story!

Quite a marvellous story! The beginning raised questions with the story, questions that do get answered throughout the chapters. You also have mastered the principle of 'show, don't tell' to a frightening degree. You've managed to show the reader what kind of person the ghost is (prepared for any eventuality) and what kind of person Savannah is and how those two change throughout the story.

Your writing skills are up to snuff as well, with near to none faults in Grammar and Punctuation, which is quite a feat in and of itself! I do have a slight … tip, you could say. You don't have to take this tip if you think it doesn't fit your style: I would suggest describing the environments a bit more. In the first chapter, it is clear that the two locations are a dry place, somewhere in the middle-east and an office building. But the reader misses some crucial parts in how these places are shaped to really form a vivid imaginary vision of those locations.

However, I do quite enjoy your writing style and very much enjoyed the story and how the characters are introduced! Please keep it up!

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Very, very, very good!

You've got quite a marvellous writing style! Quite descriptive as well, while ensuring the pace of the story doesn't get bogged down by too much detail. You leave quite a bit of space for the reader to imagine the rest, creating a unique experience for each and every individual. I also like your characterization and how you portray your characters without literally saying how they really are (perfect example of 'show, don't tell' as it were!).

Your English is pretty spot-on too, as well. I've spotted about 1 word per chapter that might be misspelled (like their for they're or there), but that does not drag the experience down in the slightest. I can't speak of the Japanese woven through your story, as I know nothing about Japanese kanji.

Speaking of Japanese, about the cultural references with using the name directly translated from Japanese. In the first chapter, you use a lot of Japanese styled words without explaining what they are or look like (like the unique bones used for traditional gambling). But you do an excellent job of explaining exactly what a Jitto is, for example, some lines down the first chapter. Words like Ronin , for example. The meaning of those words gets shown throughout the following chapters, but some readers may find those words a bit... confusing(?), for the lack of a better word.

However, I find this a highly enjoyable story and quite gripping as well. Love the main character as well, and how he evolves throughout the chapters. Keep up the good work and have fun writing any following chapters!

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Very good plot, very good start too!

I do like your writing style. It is very descriptive, yet not too long to keep your reader engaged! Your words are not too long and convey exactly what you want your reader to know, and leave the rest to their imagination, which is great.

Aside from some minor writing details (like using their instead of there or they're), you writing is practically flawless. I also like how you portray your main character as somebody with a double identity (one for the good of the world, the other bent on its destruction). However, if I may give a slight tip: try to give his dark side a voice as well. Maybe not literally, but in his thoughts: Like his light-persona (if I may be so bold to call it that) thinks of saving people and solving problems with the least amount of casualties, while his dark-persona (the dark side inside of him) just wants his thoughts to go to the solutions that don't care about the consequences. Of course, this is only an example, and you are free to ignore my ideas. It is your story after all!

All in all, a very nice story with a very, very good style of writing, lots of details that help your reader fell engaged in the story and very nice characterization!

Good luck on the next chapters!

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Very, very good. Nice writing style

Your writing style is very good! Keep writing like this! Maybe a little proofread before you upload to pick out some details (like writing i instead of capital I), but very good nonetheless.

However, I remember you putting out a comment for the future of your plot, correct? I would advise you to first determine on a reason why she changed into a cat. If it was a mere accident of her own making, you need to create an engaging plot around how she will make herself human once more. Maybe she needs to gather rare ingredients for her potion, scattered across the land?

Or a rival had something to do with it? Masking a vile spell as a mere accident to make her disappear and harmless for their own plans? And the story handles about how to get back at this person , all the while figuring out how to get back into her human form?

Of course, you can also do a storyline where she takes peace with the fact she is a cat, and have her go about her normal life, but with feline characteristics? It all depends on how you see your story going: Filled with action and suspense, or rather calm and slice-of-life?

Hope this helps! Have fun writing the rest of your story!

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