Chapter 1
August 22nd, 1994~
Six years old
Life is perfect. I love it, living with Mommy and Daddy each day. I love skipping the cracks on the ground, dragging Daddy along with me.
I see my curls of brown hair bouncing atop my head and think of Mommy. Her hair isn’t curly, but it is long and brown. It’s long and straight and brown and drips down her back and if I’m lucky, after she’s done brushing my hair, I get to play with hers.
“What on Earth are you thinking of,” Daddy says. He gives my little hand a squeeze and I wanna look up at him, but I look at our hands instead. His is big and calloused and tough and mine is little and soft.
I remember bringing him a rock one day. We were out camping, and he was fishing, which looked silly. He’s so big, crouching on a rock with a little pole in his big grown-up hands. I brought him the rock and told him it felt like his hands and he just laughed and laughed and I laughed because I love Daddy’s laugh.
“Rocks.” I kick a pebble at my feet to prove it and try to squeeze his hand back, but I’m not strong enough yet. “And Mommy.”
He smiles, and I look up at him properly, squinting against the harsh sunlight. It’s always so bright until around Thanksgiving, then it gets cold and snowy.
He has long straight brown hair, hanging around his shoulders. Though when he gets ready for work, he puts it back in a pony-tail, which looks silly because only girls put their hair back in pony-tails.
His whole body is big. He’s very strong, working out in boats all the time. I miss him when he’s gone, but Mommy takes me out to Papa’s for pizza and it cheers me up.
“Rocks, huh?” His smile goes away, and I know why. He doesn’t like talking about Mommy recently. Ever since they started living separately.
It happened a few months ago, and Mommy didn’t take me to Papa’s when he left. She just cried, so I hugged her, but she cried harder.
He says something else and I didn’t hear it, thinking about his ‘Secret Friend,’ he was hiding from Mommy.
“What,” I say.
“What happened to your arm, David?”
Oh no. I hide my arm, the one covered in bruises from the bullies. They beat me with jump ropes today, but his secret friend hits me all the time.
Why don’t you ever ask about the bruises on my back that she caused, Daddy?
“I fell on the playground.” He looks at me and I look away. I don’t like the look he gives me. It’s the same as the look he gives me when I bring up him and Mommy living apart. It’s like I hurt his feelings by talking. Or is it lying that hurts him?
“Have you shown your mom?” I shake my head because I just got them today.
“If you show her, don’t forget the ones on your back, it must’ve been a long fall, to rough you up so bad.” His look is different now, and I don’t need to see it to know. It’s the look of when I almost mentioned his secret friend. It’s the look that tells me to nod, or I get spankings.
So I nod, and he smiles again, and I see we are almost at my house. Mommy’s car is out front, and since Daddy is leaving tonight, it means we’re gonna go get pizza soon.
I only notice Daddy slowing down when I feel his big hands grab mine tighter and stop moving with me. He’s looking at Mommy’s house. The door is open, and a window is broken.
“Stay here, David.” He lets go of my hand, and I’m confused and scared. His tone wasn’t angry, but it was frightening. He’s never serious with me out of nowhere. But he moves toward the house and I need to follow him.
Why is Mommy’s window broken?
Daddy’s grabbing his phone and heads inside, going into the kitchen, so I go up to my room to drop off my backpack.
My room is nice, with toys and books and a big comfy bed. Mommy and I lay on that bed when she reads to me each night. But the last few nights, she hasn’t been reading to me. So I go over the stack I have that I want her to read when she’s feeling better.
“David! David, where are you? I saw you come inside!” The loud voice startles me, and I drop the stack. I can hear him thumping up the stairs. I’m in trouble.
“I-I’m in here!” Daddy’s in my room a few seconds later, and he’s picking me up. He seems as scared as I am.
“Come on, come on bud, it’s time to go. We gotta go now. I’ll explain it in a bit.”
What’s going on? Why is Daddy acting so scared? Why are his big hands shaking? Where’s Mommy?
"Where’s Mommy?” I struggle down the stairs as he pushes my face into his shoulder, but I catch a glimpse and wish I listened. Because I would swear up and down on my life and God and school and my friend Jacob Riley and Mommy and Daddy that I’d be good and listen if it meant I didn’t see what I did.
She shouldn’t be laying like that. Why is there so much blood on the ground?
This is all too much, and I cry. I think I scream, but I can’t hear it. There’s just ringing in my ears and tears in my eyes that make it hard to see the pictures and paintings on the grass outside, thrown out the window. Big stupid tears make it hard to see my Daddy placing me in his car, and my big stupid voice makes it hard to hear him telling me to sit.
Daddy vomits on the grass, and he’s crying too as he calls someone on the phone. He says big words I don’t understand, and he says them so fast.
What’s an ‘Operator?’ What’s a ‘Paramedic?’ One word stands out, for some reason, and it silences my crying, and my chest feels cold and hot and heavy.
What is ‘Suicide?’
I need to run, I can’t breathe, the car is too small. The ringing is louder, and as I click open the door, I barely hear Daddy yelling for me to stop. I barely hear police sirens barrel past me. But my heartbeat is loud and it drums all around me.
~
I make it to a park and hide in the tube, and I feel something crack inside me and it hurts and I cry again. My heart hurts. Mommy said her heart hurt after Daddy left with his secret friend. But we learned about hearts and I asked if they could hurt and my teacher said that only old peoples’ hearts hurt.
Why does it feel so bad?
I claw at my chest, I just want this feeling to go away.
“Are you okay?” The voice scares me and I jump, hitting my head on the top of the tube, and I just want to cry more. But the girl’s voice shocks me. And so does seeing her legs and her set of overalls. And as she leans down and peaks in, I see her curly red hair and freckles and worried smile and I feel my chest hurt a little less.
“I’m Genesis.” She looks a little older than me and crawls into the slide. “You look lonely. Where’s your family?” She’s got such pretty green eyes, and she seems so calm. I want to be like her.
“I-I’m David Tenner. My Daddy is taking care of my Mommy, but something is wrong with her!” Oh no. I can hear my tone cracking. My face burns and she reaches out a hand, just the same size as mine, and holds my hand, squeezing it just like Daddy would. I can calm down a little bit now, and my head feels a bit fuzzy.
"What- What were we talking about again?" I wonder why I was crying, and why my chest feels so hot and my throat feels so swollen. But Genesis just smiles, and sits with me, humming a little song. And eventually, I fall asleep in the tube.
And I dream of nothing, but quiet.
