Passionfruit

A salty, warm sea breeze lifted Landon’s hair as his green eyes fixated on the tranquil sunset ahead of him. Orange and pink brushstrokes of clouds and sky settled over the horizon, colours sparkled on the ocean softly.

Adriano stood beside him, a flute of champagne in his hand, the bubbly liquid sloshing back and forth as he shook it. Landon glanced over at him, noticed that his shirt was buttoned down slightly, exposing part of his chest. He wanted to reach out and touch the skin, trace his fingers along it until they were numb and nervous.

The breeze picked up and rummaged through the thick green leaves of the palm trees that lined the beach in front of them. An echo of waves crashed against boulders on the shore, mimicked his heartbeat.

Adriano caught him looking and smiled softly, his lips wet from the champagne. “What?”

“Nothing.” Landon looked back at the setting sun which had almost completely disappeared underneath the water. He imagined what that would look like, if the sun submerged itself into the depths of the sea, illuminating it in yellow before slowly, gradually, dying out.

He imagined the ocean erupting and bubbling over from the heat and washing ashore. Then it would flood their beach house, engulfing every last piece of furniture and submerging everyone inside until they sunk underneath it’s boiling tide.

His fingers itched and traveled towards the small wooden table by his leg for his pack of cigarettes, always there just to numb out the intrusive thoughts. He placed one in between his lips, cupping his hand around the outside so the blowing wind wouldn’t diffuse the flame from the match.

Adriano watched him as he closed his eyes, taking in a long drag of the smoke.

“Thought you stopped smoking.” He spoke, something tense behind his voice.

“I did, until now.” Landon blew the smoke into the turquoise night.

Adriano’s raven black curls blew into his eyes and he pushed away from the ledge of the balcony, combing them out with his free hand. “Might not live to see next summer if you keep going like that.”

Landon gave him a smirk. “You care?”

His eyes studied him, processed every emotion and thought without effort. “We’re friends aren’t we.” The soft yellow lights of the balcony flicked on then, reflecting off his smooth beige skin.

“Yeah, every summer, when I come down here; we’re friends.” Landon responded, remembering the first day they’d met each other. His sister had introduced them, she’d met him at film school a few years back.

Every summer Landon came down to California to visit her. A few humid nights out of the week, she’d bring everyone down to the beach house she’d rented about a year after she moved there, where they’d drink expensive wines and beer, ate greasy food. Just for a while they’d be free, living what people would call the good life. Waking up early in the morning to go swimming in the pool out back or surfing in the beach’s crystal waters, then stayed up all night later, drinking and partying or bonfiring.

Landon loved those nights because he’d get to spend some of his free time with Adriano. They’d go off on their own after everyone was crashed out, stand on the balcony, watch the sunset and just talk about life. He’d have him all to himself just for a little bit, just before his sister came to find them. Planting drunk kisses onto Adriano’s lips, pulling him away into the bedroom next door.

Landon would stand on the balcony alone, listening to them make love. Adriano’s groans bouncing through his body and into the cool night air. He sometimes imagined what it would be like if they’d ever had sex, how it would feel. But the thought never stayed, because he knew it would never happen. He just took what he could get. His good friend, someone who made his heart beat and pause every time they looked into each other’s eyes.

Adriano laughed, it was smooth just like his voice. “Guess you’re right.”

“Hm.” He pulled in another smoke.

“You’re in your third year of college now right?”

“Yeah.”

“Met anyone you’d like to settle down with?”

Landon’s thoughts became mute, he looked at him. “I think you already know the answer to that question.”

He took a sip of his drink, then ran his tongue over his teeth. “Geez, you’re almost twenty three, what’s the delay?”

The cigarette ashes dropped onto the wood, Landon brushed them away. “Just not interested in anyone.”

Adriano tilted his head towards the door. “What about that girl your sister brought down with us? She’s pretty, seems like your type, give her a chance.”

Landon closed his eyes and pictured her. The overdone make-up, loud chewing of peppermint gum, high voice that talked only to hear itself listen. He’d remembered the way she looked at him while he spoke and laughed with everyone, like he was some type of eye candy, licking her red lips to his words. It made him uncomfortable and nauseous.

He slugged him lightly in the arm, Landon opened his eyes. “See? I know you’re picturing it, you should get back down there and hook up with her before Jamal or Ethan do.”

Landon’s arm tingled from his touch. “They can have her, I’m not interested.”

Adriano sighed and tilted his head up towards the moon that had come across the sky from the horizon, almost like a present from the sky. He gazed at it silently and Landon watched, feeling entranced. He loved seeing Adriano bathed in moonlight. When he thought he couldn’t get anymore beautiful, he did.

Landon bit his lip, controlling the urge to lean forward and kiss his neck. The moon’s light accentuated the love bites and marks on his skin from his sister. He wanted to kiss them, make new ones. The way his little hairs curled against the base of his neck, probably tickling the skin. Landon wanted to brush them away, kiss every part that was hidden.

He put the cigarette back into his mouth and forced himself to look away. So many times he’d done this, forced himself to not think about the man that stood next to him. But so many times it wasn’t possible. So many times he’d wish that he was his sister. That he looked at him the same way he looked at her, dark brown eyes turning chestnut, glazed with admiration.

But so many times, it never happened.

Every night, when he left him alone to be with her, he’d tell himself to stop feeling that way, move on, find someone else. But it never worked. When he saw him again the next morning, with his curls knotted and tussled, eyes sleepy, body tired from the sex he’d endured; he’d just fall in love all over again. The slight accent behind his smooth, buttery voice, the small moles that dotted his jaw and throat. The way he licked his lips and creased his brows when he was trying to concentrate, his constant craving for a warm, homemade apple pie with vanilla ice cream, the smallest, most irrelevant things.

Every last thing, Landon loved. Every last thing, Landon wanted.

“Adrian.” He heard his sister’s voice from the door, heavy from drinking, freezing his nerves into place. Adriano turned around and walked towards her without a second thought, like he was on command. “Good night Landon.” She slurred.

“Night Lucy.” Landon nodded, focused on the dark sand below him.

Their footsteps dissipated into nothing as they retreated into the bedroom. Landon rested his forehead on his arm, closing his eyes, holding back the tears that threatened to slip down his cheeks, listening again, to everything.

He clenched his teeth, his body trembling as their moans twisted into one and sent daggers through his spine. But this time they didn’t escape him, they stayed, built up, beat him down underneath their crushing weight.

He pulled in a shaky breath and lifted his head, trying to regain control, trying to piece his heart back together from the shattered fragments that lay in his chest.

Every night was exactly the same.

Torture.