Love, Mercy, and Other Useless Things

I had never really been into the whole “soulmate” thing. It just wasn’t something so high on my priority list; there were more important things than finding someone the universe picked out for you. Like surviving.

When you grow up in a world void of colours you find beauty in other details. The intricacy of a design or the feeling the scene gives off. The dull world is one that so many reside in because there are so many people that don’t meet the person that colours the world in a split second. There were times as a child that I even doubted that a single look could blossom the colours around me. It sounded like a fairy tale. So I grew up believing the hues of gray were the only ones of which I’d ever see. I was okay with that.

That was until I actually met him, in seventh grade.

~|~|~|~|~|~

They said when you met your soulmate colour would suddenly swirl your vision. Nothing could’ve prepared me for it, though. There was nothing as beautiful as all the colours of the rainbow suddenly painting your world as if an artist ran wild with a paintbrush in a split second. The breath caught in my chest all at once and I could barely stand. The grays were gone and everything was so gorgeous. The prettiest thing, though, was the boy right in the middle.

Light hair and tan skin, eyes the prettiest shade I had ever seen in his seconds of colourful life. That boy had given me the gift of colour. He was the person I was meant to spend my life with… until he wasn’t. Because he continued to walk, unphased and unbothered. While I was breathless, the boy was calm and collected. Because he didn’t see the swirls that I couldn’t take his eyes off of. If he did, he would’ve reacted. But he didn’t. Suddenly, the colours didn’t seem so bright anymore. How beautiful could they be when you’re meant to have someone to admire them with, and you’re staring at them all alone…?

I didn’t want to dwell on it, told myself it was inevitable. Most people find their soulmates in their lifetimes, that’s kind of the entire point, but not all of them ended up together. Sometimes you find someone better, or you just have things that are more important. I didn’t have time for soulmates, they would always be there, on the far, tiniest corner of the picture, so insignificant that most wouldn’t even be able to see it, but it would always be nothing more than an afterthought, and love was nowhere near the portrait. It wasn’t even in the painter’s set of things to include.

That was what I’d told myself anyway.

It was impossible to ignore the ordeal entirely, I mean, I could see colours. It wasn’t something that wouldn’t affect me. So, before class on the same day, I searched up as many colour palettes as I would find, learned the names of every primary colour and secondary. I had just gotten down the basics when the teacher started roll call and pulled a new student up in front of everyone.

It was him, the boy from the courtyard, his soulmate. Because of course, he’s in my class. Just my luck. And to make it even more comical… he sat right next to me. In the first five minutes of class, I learned the boy’s name; Alexander Holmes. In the twenty after that, I learned his birthday and favourite season; the first of June and summer. And by the end of class… he was inviting me to lunch with him and some “friend” while he grinned like an idiot.

I’d later found out that that “friend” was Noah Brookes. He was the quiet kid in class, never talked much, only shoved his nose into comics and some novels and in the entire two years after he’d moved to Lake Charles I had never said more than three words to him. I think most people avoided him, too. I knew he got bullied sometimes, the guy was kind of skittish and jumpy, the other boys thought it was funny to see how high he’d jump. I felt bad, really, I did, but it wasn’t my fight to fight and my only job at the time was to stay out of any more “trouble.”

As soon as the lunch bell rang, Alex and Noah were glued at the hip.

“We’ve been friends since we were kids!” Alex squealed. “He’s my best friend.”

Noah laughed and it was the most expression I’d ever seen from the boy.

“Yeah, after I moved we could only email and text,” he’d explained. He brought his hand up to his mouth, covering it from Alexander’s view and whispering dramatically loud, “his mom’s completely crazy strict when it comes to phones.”

“I can hear you, y’know.”

“Well, am I wrong?”

Alex just shook his head with his grin, “not really.”

“And there’s my point,” Noah huffed.

There was something so… familiar about the way they talked, the way they interacted. Like close friends -- and they were, I know, but it was something so foreign to me… I hated it.

“I’m hungry, let’s go.” And then Noah was snatching his stuff from his desk and Alexander did the same and we were leaving the classroom and walking down the halls. Alex ushered us ahead, laughing as he said, “lead the way, I don’t know where I’m going!”

The lunchroom was loud, too loud. People were shouting and it was so obnoxious and annoying, it was the entire reason I usually spent my lunches in the library. Alex and Noah bought their lunches from the cafeteria, I just took a seat and waited. I never ate their food, it sucked. When they got to the table they were laughing their asses off and pushing each other around.

“Your soulmate will probably be a witch,” Noah was practically wheezing as Alex dramatically gasped.

“Excuse you,” he exclaimed, “even if she is a witch, she will be the prettiest witch and the best!”

Now… It had been my plan to move on from the whole “this guy is my soulmate” thing, but… it was that sentence that had caught my attention.

“Pfft, yeah, alright,” Noah scoffed and bumped Alex’s shoulder with his own. “But seriously though, I wonder when I’ll meet my soulmate…”

“Same,” Alex agreed and I don’t know why but… something in my chest ached. Alex draped himself over Noah. “I bet she’ll be gorgeous!”

She.

She.

“I wonder what my soulmate looks like…”

I wanted to scream. And as much as I’d wanted to just move on from the entire bullshit known as soulmates, I just couldn’t. It was like my head was completely wrapped around that little detail and it fucking sucked. I wanted to grab Alexander’s shoulders and scream at him, you’re looking at him, damn it! I’m right here… But everything was tingling, my body was heavy and there was static crawling up my wrists and forming underneath my toes. It was so hot and there were just too many people!

“What about you, Oliver?”

I blinked and the two were staring at me like they expected something from me.

“... What?”

“You’re soulmate, what do you think she looks like?” Noah was leaning forward on his arms, truly interested in my answer and Alex was just grinning. Again. And that was the final straw.

I stood up from the table, I was itching my left wrist, and uttered something along the lines of, “sorry, not feeling well,” and rushed out of the lunchroom as quickly as my legs would go.

It felt so quick, like in the blink of an eye I was already behind the school, where they dumped all the old desks and chairs. No one ever really went back there, it was quiet and old and it kind of smelled, but that meant there wouldn’t be anyone to come in on his little freak-out.

I leaned back against the brick wall and squeezed my eyes shut. I counted-- one, two, three, four, I counted the seconds that crawled by. It was three hundred and three seconds before I’d gotten a hold of my breathing again, one hundred eighty-two before I could see the world clearly, and one thousand twenty before my sister showed up to the school after I’d texted her.

I sat in her car while she walked inside to grab my bag. I didn’t know if I could handle it-- seeing him, I mean. I wasn’t sure if I could see him and not break down again. I couldn’t handle the stinging in my throat or the ache in my bones. It was just as Jess was walking out of the school with my backpack in hand that I’d had the revelation.

I’m not his soulmate.

It was kind of laughable how slow the realization was for me. It was so obvious, no wonder he said all that shit… it was because I wasn’t his.

It wasn’t anything unheard of. There were stories online about that kind of thing; someone being your soulmate but that didn’t necessarily make you theirs in return. It was an ugly truth that held a mountain of pain and nothing but sour bitterness.

The ride home was silent, almost deathly so. I was grateful that Jess hadn’t pried as her parents would have, but I also hated the silence. It felt suffocating like her undying curiosity took physical form as gas and was slowly infiltrating my lungs. It made me want to disappear.

The second she pulled into the driveway, I was jumping out of the car with my bag and half way up to my room before Jess was even on the porch. I locked my door behind me (thank god for the Ellis’), and dived under my duvet. I remember just… staring. I stared at the ceiling. It was still the same shade of white I’d seen every day before then: white. The walls were bright, a pale shade of green and my comforter was a stripy mess of colours; gray, brown, and what I thought at the time was red… it was blue.

It had only been a day, give me a break.

It took five hundred seconds for me to start crying. I don’t remember falling asleep but when I opened my eyes it was dark out and the house was quiet. I was still in my jeans and my sixth-grade camp sweatshirt from the year before. My face felt stiff and crusty and my head pounded against my skull and I swear I thought my head was going to explode. I stayed there for a long time. I didn’t count then.

Sometimes I felt like the universe was collapsing around me. Like I was trapped in the middle of agonizing chaos. The emptiness of nothing filled my lungs. It never choked me, rather preserved. Forced me to watch as it all crumbled in my grasp. I’d get lost. I felt alone and god-- that terrified me. But who could I ask for help when I was suffocating on my own.

There was a bitter thought that nagged at the back of my head that night. One I’d regret ever thinking.

I wish I’d never seen him.

Maybe it would’ve hurt less…

~|~|~|~|~|~

It hadn’t taken much coaxing on Jess’s side for me to tell her everything. Not that I'd ever admit it but… Jess was my best friend. I trusted her with everything. I still do. The story was nothing less of a sob fest, most of it spent with me (regrettably) sobbing in her arms.

It wasn’t a normal relationship we had, definitely not the typical sibling kind. Typical siblings fought all the time, and trust me we did, but she was also my best friend. It was easy to say that I was the closest to her, more so than anyone else in my life.

She didn’t say anything until I was done, just rubbed up and down my back and listened.

“He’s not my soulmate…”

She hummed.

“Why does it bother me so much? I shouldn’t bother me like this…”

Jess took in a long breath and ruffled my hair.

“It should,” she said, “It really should bother you like this. It would be even more concerning if it didn’t if I’m being honest.” I cocked my head.

“Really?”

“Uh, yeah? I mean, he’s your soulmate, Ollie. And with your situation, it would throw anyone into a freakout. The universe is just cruel sometimes and it’s normal to be upset about it.” She cleared her throat. “You just need some time to process it.” I didn’t know what to say, verbal expression was never really my strong suit, so I just nodded and she held me a little tighter.

“Do you know what you’re going to do about him yet?” she asked.

“...What do you mean?”

“Well… are you going to stick around him?” She sounded kind of unsure, like she had her own input on it. I shook my head.

“Any suggestions?”

“Well… I don’t mean to sound mean or anything but… I think staying around him might be more trouble than it’s worth. I mean, you don’t plan on telling him do you?”

“And if I am?” I shot.

“Are you?”

“...No.”

And she said, “exactly.” She looked at me like she’d just won some sort of contest. I knew she might’ve been right, but, as a wise woman said, he’s my soulmate.

I didn’t show up for school until four days after that. Bless Jess for convincing our parents to let me stay home, and thankfully they trusted the two of us enough to let it slide. The relief I’d felt was immeasurable. It was Thursday night when Jess had finally gotten me to come out of my room for dinner. The table was full and mom and dad both had smiles gracing their faces, though, there was no way I could miss the worry lying underneath. I went to school the next morning, though, not without a powerful sense of dread following me.

From the second Alex and Noah spotted me in the hallway, it was as if I were some close relative coming home from the nightmares of war. They were bouncing on their heels in front of my locker with frighteningly large smiles spread over their faces. It was amazing it didn’t chip away any paint-like crusted skin. Questions flew from the two like bullets and I never even got the chance to answer half of them with the speed they were going. When the bell rang Noah had made me vouch to actually have lunch with us, dude!

The hours before lunch gave me some time to think, as if the four days prior hadn’t been enough, but there was something about actually being there that cleared my head a little more. At home, it was like it was all a sick dream, but actually being around them… that made it real. And that was scary, but the grounding feeling that came with it was satisfying. But with the time I had, I researched. And thought. Soulmates had been such a weird concept to me before Alex. The thought of falling in love with someone just because of some celestial soul-bonding system was absurd to me, and rightfully so, it sounded outright insane! I used to have a plan for whenever I’d met my soulmate: see colour and move on. I wasn’t going to let some universe tell me who to love. It was going to be my decision.

But then it wasn’t and I did meet my soulmate and that idea was thrown right out of the metaphorical window faster than I could even comprehend the newly formed colours around me. I didn’t love him. Not yet. I wasn’t going to be clouded so quickly by the “soulmates filter.” No way in hell.

Lunch was loud, as always, and Noah and Alex were living up to the same hype. They were borderline yelling, almost screaming about some kid in their art class. I had Spanish that hour.

“Dude, she’s such a snob,” Alex whined. “She shoulder-checked me as we were walking out the door and had the audacity to say it was my fault!”

“Oh? She sounds like a prick. Who was it?” Noah asked idly, never looking up from his lunch. He poked around his tray, never taking a bite. I couldn’t blame him, I wouldn’t touch it either.

“Ciera-- what’s her last name?” He snapped his fingers, as if he did it enough he would soon find the answer. “Oh! Parker! Ciera Parker!”

Noah looked up and the look on his face was priceless; utter disdain and pure dislike, he was covered in it! He blew raspberries, “yeah, she’s really stuck-up. I heard her talking once-- she was making fun of some other girls sweater because it wasn’t some stupid brand…”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

They both groaned and if I were being honest, their conversation sounded like one pulled straight from a teen drama. It was hard to believe it was a conversation between guys, thankfully, they didn’t seem like the types to have their masculinity damaged so easily.

Things kind of… drifted along like that for a while. I’d stuck around, I had lunch with them and we hung out in class. We became friends and it happened before I’d even noticed it had happened. I never really involved myself but I never felt left out. They’d always kept me in the loop, with or without my consent. It was a nice friendship. I liked it.