The twillight
She stepped into my life to present me her intoxicating smile, the fragrance of soft brown hair, and the excruciating pain of her disgust and hate. She knitted my broken heart with her gentle love, then broke it without mercy.
"Why? What happened?" The blonde haired girl asked calmly, her eyes mesmerisingly staring at the horizon. The waves kept rhythmically striking the beach, as it gently gulped down the soft glowing sun.
My eyes closed, feeling the calm breeze against my skin.
And I saw "her".
Her soft strings of hair caressing her neck,her lips curved up into a beautiful smile, and her calm doe eyes. But then, her doe eyes were staring at me with burning rage and her smile disappeared somewhere.
"I never asked you to love me, did I?" Her calm tone struck me like those waves on the beach. But she was right, she never asked me to love "her". I was the one dreaming about our future together, I forgot nothing was " our" between "us", it was just " you" or "me".
Suddenly I felt a warm palm cuddling mine. My eyes shot opened and looked at her. She shifted her gaze at me and a soft smile appeared on her face.
I wish it was not that girl, but "her" hand. I wish it wasn't that girl, but "she" sitting beside me on that beach. But she would never let me hold her in my embrace, the last time she let me hug her was in that hospital- where we first met.
This single thought stirred each of our memories together.
I remember peeking at "her" from a corner and watched her sitting down like an angel, tears running down her smooth face. With each tear that fall on her lap, I felt the pounding of my heart speeding up. I remember giving her my pocket money- the only money I could afford that time- thinking that would be enough to cure her dad. I handed my little pouch to her, and the moment I saw that intoxicating smile appear on her face,
My heart fluttered towards her.
She was the definition of "angel" to me. I stood by her when she lost her dad, I stood by her when she was alone or lonely, I stood by her when she told me about the new guy she had a crush on. But, she left me when I gathered up my courage to propose her, she left me when I felt alone and lost, she left me when I needed her the most.
"It feels better now, isn't it?" Out of nowhere, the blond girl asked me in her calm tone. I stared at her for a second, the silent sorrow in her eyes contained the same pain that has been shrouded my eyes for years.
Suddenly all "her" memories moved aside, as I found myself indulging in her words, her stories, her smile. The soft shimmering of moonlight diffused over us.
"I should go home now," She spoke up, slowly poising on her legs. She looked down at my blank eyes, said bye and was about to walk away, when suddenly she got pulled back towards me.
My eyes lowered down to our hands.
Her fingers were still entangled with mine.
She gently removed her warm hands and within seconds my fingers frozen up. I started fiddling them to feel a friction again. But, it went in veil. My heart started feeling empty, the memories of "her" coming back again, stirring my loneliness, guilt and anger together.
I needed to do something to heal myself, anything. So I immediately balanced on my legs, inhaled deeply and screamed out,
"Please don't leave me alone," She stopped and turned towards me, her eyes widened up.
"I want your warmth, your presence, your smile to knit my broken heart again."
"Help me"
She kept looking at me. My heart pounding furiously, reminding me of that hospital night again. Hopeless. I breathed out, turning back to the ocean again, when suddenly,
"I am not going to leave you alone," My eyes shot back towards her, she smiled. Somehow that smile provoked my lips to curve up in a blissful smile.
I really like this story. It's short, but you can feel the emotion in this. If I had to give you some advice, it would be to try to individualize each girl a bit more, it was a little confusing at first. Since this story is short but very emotional, the value is in language. Don't be afraid to google some synonyms and beautify your text. Good work!
https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/455910
So, the emotions of this story are powerfully potent. I definitely feel his agony over the girl he can't have as my own. However, it does need quite a bit of work. Most specifically I would work on distinct voices. I understand from reading this piece that he is blurring the girl he has and the girl he can never have together, but it's a bit discombobulated between the two. It can be a very effective technique in driving home the crescendo of his yearning, but only if readers more clearly understand the switch between both girls. Also, there are a few metaphors, similes, and other linguistic devices you try to employ that fall flat. Most specifically at the start of the story. The opening has promise, but the things you describe aren't possible. For example: I like the idea of her smile intoxicating him, but, "...she stepped into my life to present me her intoxicating smile," doesn't work for a few reasons. One, the word present suggests that their meeting and that smile was purposeful (it also just doesn't flow right in the context of that sentence, but fine, that's a nit-picky thing) and two, it sounds as though she encouraged his affections, when the rest of the story clearly shows us she did not. There is also the part about "the fragrance of soft brown hair". This reads like the color of her hair rather than her hair has a smell. I think what you meant to say was, "the fragrance of HER soft brown hair," which clarifies that it is her hair and not the color that has a scent. While creating a scene by implementing all of the human senses does work to absorb the reader into the world you write, I'm still not quite sure if, even after revising, that line would be effective at creating the emotions you wish to in your readers. I would either add a simile so we have an idea of what she smells like (the fragrance of her soft brown hair like a flower on the wind) or change that part entirely. I hope that helped, and don't be discouraged. It's a good base to build on, there are just a few technical errors with the writing.