Starting from what I liked in this story - 1) The sarcastic and humorous tone of the narrator, this keeps the readers entertained, motivating them to keep reading. 2) The smooth flow of dialogs, even though there were not many of them, but still those few were brilliant. You have the ability to imagine a conversation in your head perfectly, no more or no less than needed. 3) The thoughts and feelings of the protagonist - you are a pro at this, you write them like you were actually present in that situation, You can create a picture in our head without us noticing. I applaud the author for achieving this.
Read the story now
What you can improve- 1) Edit extra thoughts, what I mean is - when we write, a thousand of thoughts passes through our head and we just throw them onto the paper. But, when we edit, we do it mercilessly. Any extra info or lines, that have nothing to do with the plot, should be cropped. Or else, the writing turns boring. 2) The plot seemed distorted, like there are questions still unanswered, so more chapters are required to answer them.
Overall, I loved this, your writing style never seems to disappoint me. No one can write like this - dark yet humorous. So keep writing, my dear! Hope to read more from you