Lies
Two eyes locked from across the basement, their inaudible thoughts entangling with each other. The rageful pounding of their heart whispered loud in each other’s ear. The intensity between them caused them to grip firmly on something - one found a locket, other found a gun.
Tears gathering up in the corner of the girl’s eyes, realizing the trigger finger slowly bending. Her shoulder heaved up as she panted, eyes still locked with him, pleadingly. But, the eye-contact was ripped apart, and before she could register his actions, a deep, percussive thud echoed in the still air, compressing the deafening cries of those tied-up souls.
Her heart clenched as she staggered on her trembling legs, her eyes widened up, encountering the inhuman sight- shot after shot until each of those muffled screams died out. But, that brutal sight did not fail to brighten up a blissful smile in the man's face, who kept clapping after each strike. His chest broadened up, seeing his future being portrayed by his son.
The gun was lowered. The bodies were left in a pool of their own blood, their faint breathes slowly fading out.
The man slowly patted his son's back,"Well done son," Brendan's eyes felt dreaded to stare at his father's intimidating eyes. His lips curved up in a faint smile. The man looked back at his men, "Send these rotten flesh back to their wives."-He ordered, and walked out from there.
Soon the basement lightened up, leaving the two souls alone. Ray gently moved out of the old dusty closet, and stomped towards her man.
"What's wrong with you?" With a dull pair of eyes, he looked up at her for a second, then shifted his gaze back to his gun. "Answer me Brendan!"
Yet no reply.
Her body started fuming with anger, she could not still believe how much he has changed. He was not that caring and loving Brendan anymore, he became the "obedient son" of his bloodthirsty father.
"Fine then." She murmured with her teeth clenched,"I will just talk to you dad."
She turned around and was about to stomp out when suddenly her fragile body was slammed against the wall harshly. Heated breaths colliding with her furious breaths. Her heart clenched, eyes shot up when suddenly she felt him gripping her throat without mercy.
"Don't even think about it Ray," His sharp eyes penetrating her soul, a sudden battle of thoughts started in her head. But, she gulped down her fear, calmed down her anxious head and rageful breaths.
"Then tell me why you changed," her voice sounded as calm as the night wind, but yet the strong grip did not loosen up a bit. And at that moment she realized those one year away from him enervated that "eternal" love between them.
"You are not supposed to come here. Go now," He stepped back, releasing her sweaty throat. Her brown orbs kept searching for his eye contact, but he kept ignoring it. His jaw clenched, a tight fist formed, knuckles turned white..
"Go now. Don't force me to use my gun on you,"
He faked a cough as his voice trembled.
Those sharp words gaped a hole in her heart. The last drops of strength drained out from her body as tears started rolling down her face.
"You don't love me anymore?" Brendan stared at her bloodshot eyes, his heart clenched encountering her shaken voice. Silence diffused over them.
Getting no reply, she wiped away her tears and was about to stride out, when suddenly he clutched at her wrist, gently pushed her against the wall again, colliding his lips with her. His lips brushed her's, gently, delicately, like butterfly wings. Their heated breaths burning each other's skin. He could inhale her vanilla scent, feel the warmth of her skin, his fingers caressed the smooth fabric of her shirt. Ray gently placed her palm around his neck, finding herself indulging in their delicate kiss.
"Brendan!" The two souls were ripped apart from each other. They shifted their stare to the man standing in front of them. Furious breaths overlapped the deafening silence of the room.
"You better explain what's happening here," His deep tone echoed through the walls.
"Dad I...I love her,"
"Didn't I tell you that girls are not allowed in here?" He glared at the petite girl and then back at his son again.
"Hey you, kick this girl out of here."Ray's body trembled as an unfamiliar man started walking towards her suddenly.
"But-" Brendan was silenced with his father's one glare. He was scared that disobeying his father might cause danger to Ray, because he knew no girls could love him and live. He was scared that disobeying his father might get Brian, his younger brother, into this sinful life as well. As long as he listens to his dad, Brian would be able to live a "normal" life, or else...
But he could not lose Ray as well, the only person who loved him after his late mother. He needed her.
"You want to say something, son?" Brendan exchanged eye contact with Ray's hopeful eyes.
"Take her and don't let her come here ever again,"
A very intriguing and mysterious beginning that would definitely make one read further on. You have an amazing way with words and I loved the imagery as well as all of the similes that complimented your writing. The plot has a creative touch to it from what I can see and my only complaints are the lack of a general summary in the beginning and the few spelling mistakes (such as your issue with differentiating breathe and breath). The tense also changes in the end which takes away from the smooth reading you'd otherwise have.
All in all, this sounds amazing so far and it has a lot of potential for becoming a great story altogether. If I wasn't checking everything so thoroughly, I wouldn't mind the small mistakes at all but I'm pointing them out for the sake of a full review. The only thing I'd truly change is add a bit more to the initial summary so the reader would be more aware of the topic of the story. Otherwise, a very good job!
Aside from small grammar issues that can be fixed with a quick read through (typos, tense switches, etc), I found this intro fantastic. Your descriptive paragraphs were eerie, and I felt really deeply for the son. How could a father put him through that??? SICK!
your summary and style of writing us great, very awesome. love your books❤❤