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So, I think I need to start with some back story, and one disclaimer, this is as honest and factual as my memory can provide. I can not promise my memory is 100%, though it does hold true more often than not.
When I was seventeen I met this boy, let's call him D. He friended me on Facebook, I had no idea who he was, but we did have mutual friends and went to the same school, so I took a chance. After first contact was made, I had to admit, I felt something. Not going to claim I loved him out the gate, but I knew something was different about him. Even though I had a boyfriend, it wasn't long before I was coming home from school every day, bartering anything I could to have my brother leave the family computer alone for the night. This was back in the days of MSN, when I used to change my online visibility thirty times in a fourty minute period with the hope that a specific person noticed I just "came online" and might strike up a conversation. After weeks of getting to know D, I felt like every bad thing that ever happened to me just disappeared from my mind. Everyday I felt closer and closer to this stranger. I had dated boys before, but I never felt these feelings before. The kind of emotions I felt towards this particular boy were so different from what I felt for the guy I was dating. After getting to know D, I just knew that I needed to end the relationship I was in. I needed to see where things with D could go. I couldn't lie to myself any longer.
Ending my previous relationship felt freeing. D made everything feel better. Living through the hardships I had to everyday was just a bit easier, because of that connection. He provided me with the support I didn't get from my family. He made me feel safe, grounded, like maybe I was finally home.
D and I had a few good months filled with laughter and fireworks. We spoke every day and saw each other almost as often. We would stay up late on weekends just tippity tapping away on the keyboard. It felt like we never ran out conversation. Laughing non-stop, smiling until it hurt, I felt as light as a feather whenever he was around. He understood something in me that I don't think I even understood. It all felt too good to be true, maybe because it was. As every relationship does, the "honeymoon" period came to an end. After a while things changed, I would go days without hearing from him. I'd rush home from school amd just sit there, looking at my computer just staring at his offline status. For hours. When I didn't hear from D after two weeks I let my irrationa, immaturemind run away woth me and make rash assumptions. Now keeping in mind I was seventeen, in high school, and struggling with anxiety and depression. This was the longest we went not speaking and this scared me. I had never felt this way about a boy before and I grew so accustomed to everything I cared about in life either leaving me or being taken away from me. I let my fears and insecurities convince me he left me and was just too afraid to be honest with me, or worse, he just didn't care enough to tell me he didn't want me. I spent many nights laying awake at night, either picturing him with someone else prettier, smarter, just better in everyway, or, incessantly thinking about what I did or said, or didn't do or say, to chase him off. Was it my brother? My mother? What could I have done differently? Why won't he talk to me? It was aweful, I just felt so helpless and unwanted that I turned my rage from myself to him. I was so mad, he just left me, no word, no explanation, no opportunity to defend myself or anything. I was furious. So I retaliated. I wrote a short but scathing note, slipped it into the pocket of his hoodie I had, took it to his home, hung it on the front doorknob, and left. For about five minutes I was so proud of myself. I mean I was under the impression he didn't care about or want me, so not sure what I was so proud of. Point was, I felt empowered somehow, but, that five minutes wore off. My pride and empowerment wore off and was replaced with fear, dread and regret. I started questioning my decision, thinking I might have acted in haste. I was right.
As luck would have it, he returned home the same day. When I got home there was a message waiting for me saying he had been away for a job, but he was home and couldn't wait to see me. When I got home and saw his message, I started to cry immediately. I replied and told him that I missed him, and begged him not to look at the note in the pocket. I told him I had done something stupid, and I regretted it, but it was too late, he saw it. I didn't hear from him for a few days. I don't know exactly how many days, it felt like a lifetime. What doesn'twhen your seventeen and in love? I sent him apologies every single day, multiple times. I begged him to forgive me, to let me take it back. I made a huge mistake, and if he would just talk to me, let me explain. I honestly don't remember how much time had passed before I heard from him again, but he eventually did answer me and told me he was busy, that he needed time to think and processes his feelings. He told me that he would message me when he was ready to talk and asked that I leave him alone for a while. This broke my heart, but I respected his wishes, not for too long though. I was a young girl, patience is not one of our strongest traits. After a few days I resumed bombarding him with instant messages again. He finally agreed to talk to me, and told me when I could go over to his house to meet.
This was soo exciting. I didn't think about what exactly what I was going to say, but it really didn't matter because at this point, my young naive brain just assumed that days and days of endless I'm sorry and I miss you messages were enough to warrant forgiveness. All I could think was that he must have forgiven me, and I was on my way up there to make up, and go back to the way things were before. I wasn't emotionally matured enough to have actually thought about what I did, and how it affected him and the dynamic of our relationship.
The day finally came to go and make up with D. I was so excited I didn't sleep much the night before. I just layed awake imagining all the possible scenarios of how this day was going to go. I had planned on telling him again that I was sorry. I needed to tell him that I love him and that I was stupid. I really missed him, and I just needed him to know that. Unfortunately, I'm much better at expressing myself by the written word, not the spoken. When I finally got to him on that day, I totally froze. I couldn't say damn word. We went into the laundry room to talk amd he said "okay, what did you want to say?" And I choked. Just sat there in silence, taking deep breaths, as if I were about to speak. Nothing. Not a single word came out of my mouth. Eventually he took the conversation, telling me about his job and stuff. I was there for an hour and I couldn't apologize, I couldn't tell him I loved him, and I couldn't bring myself to tell him how stupid I felt for leaving that note and acting the way I did. Couldn't provide any kind of explanation, nothing. Just sat there nodding and "mhmm"-ing. Like an idiot. He must of thought I was such a moron. Once I had to leave he said he would see me later, but I didn't think I'd ever see him again. I was sure he was done with me after that.
