My Definition Of Love

Today I feel lost, and I know this feeling won’t last long, but just one day of this extreme helplessness is enough for me to just find a way to put an end to my life.

No, I can’t die, I can’t die, I won’t die, I won’t die.

I keep on chanting this mantra again and again but this doesn’t make things any less torturous. Today was meant to be the most beautiful day of my life but it isn’t anymore, because all of this is forced, and caging a bird inside a cage with golden bars isn’t something a bird will trade for its freedom. This cage which God has formed for me, giving me no choice but to sit inside it and watch everything I love getting destroyed. I can’t even blame anyone, it was my own choice, it was my own fate which made me do this. I have to do this today, I won’t think of myself but the only person I love, the only person whom I call family, the reason I am doing this today, I will do this to save him, I won’t stop at any cost now, I promised him that I will protect him with my life and I always keep my promises.

“Come on. Why are you taking so long to get ready?” A voice pulls me back to the painful reality of this situation.

I am getting married today, it is my wedding day and I am not at all happy, but my happiness doesn’t matter right now, I won’t be backing out, the decision is already made. I will marry him and save the person I love.

“I am ready. You can come in now.” I say looking into the mirror.

“I don’t need your permission, I just don’t want to see your face, so you better put on the damn veil before I enter.” She says, which again reminds me of the huge amount of hatred this family has for me.

Well then, let’s just get over with it as soon as possible.

“Are you done?” She asks opening the door keeping a hand over her eyes.

“What a drama queen!” I muttered under my breath.

“Yes, you can open your eyes now.”

“Didn’t you get what I said earlier, I don’t need your permission, so, you better stop ordering me around.” She shouts while opening her eyes.

“You look like a dustbin. Even this expensive dress couldn’t cover your flaws.” She says trying to insult me.

Yeah, like I care, bitch. I wouldn’t dare to speak my thoughts out loud though, not because I am afraid of her, I just don’t want to create a scene, I am already mentally exhausted.

“This is going to be a long day,” I say walking past her towards the aisle.

“Aren’t you in enough trouble? Don’t make my brother kill anyone now just because of your bitchy attitude.” She says pulling me to her side. I give her a questioning look.

“You can’t walk down the aisle alone.” She explains.

“Oh, I didn’t know that.” She just ignores me and starts walking towards the aisle.

Oh God, I am nervous. Please, let this day go smoothly. I try to calm myself throughout our walk to the aisle.

Then I see it, the church, it is so beautiful, there are flowers everywhere, the walls are decorated with beautiful lights. As I appreciate the surrounding beauty, all the people stand as I walk down the aisle. It is then that I look forward and meet his brown eyes, they hold no emotion, as usual, no adoration, no appreciation, nothing, and I divert my eyes not yet ready to accept his rejection.

Maybe he has changed his mind now, after seeing that I really won’t look any good standing beside him as his wife. I mean, It is totally understandable, he is so good-looking with a sharp jaw, mesmerising eyes. I am just a piece of shit in his eyes. Why did he even agree on marrying me?

“Stop thinking too much, it’s not like you can back out now. People have seen you and if you back out at this moment, our reputation among these wealthy families will be destroyed, and trust me, my family will bring you back from hell to kill you in the most painful way possible for pulling the little stunt. So just put on a smile and look like you are the happiest person on this Earth.” She says again pulling me back from my thoughts, and I do as told.

Putting a huge smile on my face I walk towards my groom.

As we reach near the stage, she gives my hand in his and leaves. He pulls me towards him, making my body fully aware of our closeness. I can’t deny my attraction towards him, yet it is still very irritating and unsettling. These people treat me so badly, then why do I always want to be close to them. This family hates me, they have a very good reason to hate me but I know that they will also protect me from others, now that I will be a part of their family they have no choice but to keep me safe from others. I still don’t feel protected because even if they will protect me from others, I don’t think there is anyone in this world who can protect me from them. I pray to God to save me from this family as the priest starts the ceremony.

I just have to say I do, right? Okay, don’t blame me now, I don’t really know how these things work. I have seen weddings occur in movies only. I really don’t know what to do. Yeah, I remember, when the priest speaks my name, I have to say just two words ‘I do’.

Just as I figure out what to say and when to say, the priest takes my name, I hurriedly say ‘I do’ and look at my handsome groom who gives me a confused look, only then I realise that it was his turn to say I do. Shit! What the heck is wrong with me?

I suddenly hear roars of laughter from our audience, I look towards them and see that all of them are laughing their asses off at my stupid act. I turn towards my groom to hide my embarrassment from the people and look into his eyes which were sparkling with amusement. Finally, some emotions. Yes!!

As soon as the crowd is silenced we complete the ceremony by taking our vows, and just imagine my shock when no one told us to kiss, not that I wanted to kiss him... Still, they should have asked us to kiss, I mean, isn’t it traditional? Oh my God! Why do I think this much???

The reception went very smoothly, many people approached us but I didn’t need to do much of the talking as my husband is pretty good at scaring people away very quickly.

I don’t know how will I really adjust to this new environment but then again, I don’t have many options or should I say that I have no other option. I am stuck in this forever.