Conflicted Affection

The sounds of shouting, giggles, and chatting can be heard all around the halls and they seem louder in my mind than they actually truly are. The sounds are muffled, but loud nonetheless.

My first day in middle school is the event taking place--I am already terrified from the mention of it. I only know people from elementary! How am I gonna get through this?!

I was popular back then, but what about now?

Soon, my friends all crowd me, not making me feel any less claustrophobic.

I could handle crowds before, trust me, but not now. It is way too loud for that.

What's even worse: no recess, less talking, less parties. I am probably going to stay miserable!

At least we don't have to sit with our class in middle school during lunch, which is the only bonus.

I sit with my friends, as usual, and some new people come to the table. It seems to be the older kids. Some are already friends with my friends and some are just siblings.

The laughing and chatting of the table stops when a boy sits at the table, not too close, only a few seats from Brian. Brian is the eight grader all the girls ran to, the most favored male in the school--other than Mister Vernon who is the coolest and most chill teacher ever.

Brian makes the fake sound of clearing his throat and speaks to him, "Excuse you?" He chuckles.

"I just wanted-" The boy starts.

"Damn you're ugly." Xavier, Brian's best friend remarks.

The whole table laughs, and I awkwardly try to laugh along. Yet, I can't help but feel bad for him.

"What's wrong with me?" The boy asks.

The whole table laughs harder while I just sit there, forcing a smile.

The boys smile soon fades and he drops his head.

"Hey, I'm sorry. What's your name?" Brian begins.

"Ryland, what's yours?" He responds shyly.

Brian smirks mischievously and the rest of the table snickers, "Brian," he smirks wider, "Come sit down."

I look at him with fear of what he is going to do to the poor guy. He says jokingly, "You're cute." Ryland looks severely uncomfortable.

I look at the scene in horror. Michael is silent but has a small smile on his face while everyone else whispers jokes and snickers.

"Stop please." Ryland pleads.

"Why? Am I making you blush?" He teases with a cruel whisper in his ear that was loud enough for all of us to hear.

I look at him in confusion, with my eyes wide. As soon as Xavier looks at me, I force my face to soften.

"Looks like someone has sympathy for the faggot." Xavier says, causing everyone to look at me.

"No I don't!" I retort with my girlish baby voice.

"Prove it then!" Xavier demands.

I have to...I cannot lose my reputation on the first day! I have to remain popular, I have to survive.

"I mean, I'm just shocked because its so true. His dumb fucking grin when he sat down beside you makes you right." I turn to Ryland, smirking as he looks at me in shock.

The whole table laughs and Ryland runs out of the lunch room with a red face, throwing his food in the trash and covering his face with the hood of his hoodie.

"Finally now he's gone. Honestly he looks like a loser so I'm glad we got him away." Brian chuckles, "He was fucking creepy."

I force a chuckle, but feel a hole in my chest during the process.

I don't feel too bad until later that night, but I wouldn't dare be caught talking to him, especially to apologize.