Acceptance

What do you do when you can’t accept a part of yourself? No, I don’t mean something physical. I mean a part of yourself that scares the hell out of you because of the people you are around. Be it your family, friends, or peers. Either way, being around anyone who is anti-LGBTQ+ is fucking terrifying when you suspect you might not be as straight as a pole.

Hiding the real you because of that fear becomes the norm, and things don’t feel right when you wear that mask. What else can you do though?

Really, what do I do?

I’m straight. Well, I’m supposed to be straight. Everyone believes that I’m straight. Well, it could be because there is always a girl on my arm. Or maybe it’s because I go to a lot of parties and sometimes I don’t leave alone.

I’m not a ‘manwhore’.

Don’t be mistaken, I don’t sleep with every girl that’s with me. Some of the girls just want to appear taken to get rid of a lingering ex. Some of them want affection that isn’t sexual, for example acting clingy and holding them or acting affectionate both in public or not. Some are really just friends. Of course, there are some that actually do want sex, which I have no problem with. What? I’m a teenage guy. I’m full of raging hormones.

I might be struggling with my sexuality, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have sex. I’m attracted to females still, but sometimes I can’t stop myself from staring at a hot guy. It’s usually guys who are toned, have a nice ass, and unfairly attractive. Sometimes the occasional twink catches my eye.

I’m supposed to be straight though, so I pull my eyes away, but it can be more difficult than it sounds.

I’ve noticed that yeah, I kind of have a type, but it mostly depends on who the person is. For example, a great personality is attractive to me. Being a kind person is attractive, same with being funny. That’s all that really matters to me. Male, female, trans, whatever. It doesn’t matter to me. Who you are underneath it all is that matters.

I haven’t told anyone that, though. If someone knew, they could tell someone. Then that person could tell someone. Then word would spread that I’m not straight. Then my family would find out and hate me. I’ve heard and read so many things about terrible things happening after some people come out, and knowing that a lot of my family is homophobic, the idea of coming out scares me. Actually, it terrifies me. I know I’m kind of a mess, but I don’t think I could handle it if my family disowned me.

I’ve done my research when I’m alone and I think I know what I am.

I, Elliot Daniels, think I am pansexual.