Bad boy goes to another world

"Hi, we loved how much thought you had put into the differences between your characters, and how much of this showed in the first chapter. The plot is interesting, and we look forward to seeing it develop. You do need to change your punctuation quite radically, as it is littered with commas that should be full stops. Every time you use a new capital letter, there should be a full stop before it, not a comma. We wonder if this story wouldn't work better as an anime (picture) story, which could help to demonstrate some of the characteristics and actions scenes through pictures. But anyway, well done on getting this far with your writing, and keep it up, you've got some writing talent."