Regrets

Hi.

This is not a diary, no. Atleast, I wish I could write in a diary now. But I can't. Why?

Because I'm in a coma. A deep one.

Haha, it sounds so serious when I say it like that. But the irony, it actually is. My mom and the doctor keep talking about my condition in front of me. They don't know that I can still hear them. It's funny actually. Listening to how I might die any minute...

It's not like have much to lose even if I leave right now. I didn't have a proper job. I didn't have a bunch of friends who I would party with every Friday. I didn't have a good love life. Not a decent reputation to withhold. I don't even have a father.

Nothing.

I did experience all of them, I did. But I have never actually had a job, a friendship, or love actually last.

Ha, if I did have someone who cares for me other than my mom, maybe then I would've actually shed tears before I die.

But I'm not one to complain. I never really cried when my stepfather passed away. But it still bugs to think that my mom was going to be all alone again when I'm gone.

Well, life isn't fair. And there's nothing we can do about it.

I want to ask my mom if she was going to remarry again once I'm gone. But I can't. And that's sad. Because she can't understand the signs I try to give her.

Well, at least I can look forward to visiting my father and step father once I'm gone. It will be awkward, won't it?

Well, let's not think about that now. I just want to relax, and think back on why I don't have anything to lose right now.

After all, all of this could have been my mistake.

Or theirs. I don't know. I've always had the "I am always right" attitude. Ugh. I hate admitting that, but it's true.

I can hear my mom talking to the doctor right now. But it's not audible. Ah. It's better that way, I guess.

She's been sitting with me in my bedroom for almost a year. Jeez, mom. Go out and have relax for a bit. Stop clinging on me too much. Then you're gonna cry when I leave.

Well, I also did think the other way.

She's here, sacrificing everything for me. And she's in this situation because of me, isn't she?

I really am the cause for all this, huh?

She has a co worker. Daniel. He's a good guy, and he's been trying to win my mom's heart for almost two years now. He's pretty fun to hang out with, but I always told mom, "Don't go out with him, he's not father material for me."

But now that I'm going to leave in a few months, So I don't think that's a problem.

Argh, I really wanna tell my mom to marry him.

But I can't.

I get it. I've ruined a few people's lives.

So let me divert my thoughts for now.