Second Chances

*TRIGGER WARNING* Self-harm

Thirteen years ago…

“Well, well, well, look what we have here! Little Ava, fat and ugly as normal” I recognised the voice before I even looked at who it was. My tormentor. I had purposefully tucked myself away in the most out-of-the-way corner of the schools field. It was lunchtime, and a few students milling around, giggling, joking, and gossiping amongst themselves. Clearly, my attempt at hiding from them wasn’t successful. How did they always manage to find me?

“On your own again I see! Do you even have any friends?” He snickered. I turned my head to look at him, saying nothing.

My tormentor was gorgeous, to say the least. His eyes were the most delightful shade of hazel I had ever seen, like looking into a pool of honey. Like every other girl in our school, I was captivated whenever I looked into them. His hair was a perfectly styled, tousled mess of medium brown. Even at fourteen, he was already starting to develop into a handsome, masculine man. But, as my tormentor, it was completely wrong of me to be attracted to him, let alone have a crush on him.

“Well? It’s rude to ignore people when they’re talking to you, you know.” He had stopped just in front of me, his arms crossed over his chest, one eyebrow raised as he waited for a response. His cronies were scattered around him, preventing me from running away. A couple of them laughed. I simply bowed my head and continued to read my book.

Suddenly, I felt a hard grip on my chin as he forced me to look up at him. He crouched down, balancing on the balls of his feet. His eyes, which usually reminded me of warm honey, had darkened. I had only seen the look a handful of times before. He was pissed at me. Big time.

“Cat got your tongue? Seriously Ava, you truly are such a sight for sore eyes. You should just leave, the world would look so much better and less ugly with you not in it.” I felt tears sting in my eyes as I tried to stop them from falling, but it was futile.

This was a daily occurrence. Every day I was reminded that I didn’t belong here. That I was ugly. That the world would be better without me. And lately, I was beginning to believe them.

He pushed my head back as he let go of me with a sneer and took a step away, allowing for someone else to step forward. Through tear-filled eyes, I looked up to see his second in command, Victoria striding towards me. This girl was a goddess. Beautiful in every way imaginable. All the boys wanted to get with her, and all the girls wanted to be her. She had hit puberty early and was blessed with a big chest and a tall, slim figure. Her hair had been styled into two French braids, with a few strands of hair framing her angelic face. She towered over me, her hands on her hips, her shadow casting over me.

“Who knew you could get uglier?! You look even more gross and hideous when you cry. I don’t even know why you bother hiding from us. You know we’ll always find you.” She laughed sharply, snatched the book out of my hands and began tearing the pages out.

“Stop! That’s my favourite book!” I reached out in an attempt to grab it back. The book had been a gift from my grandmother, who had recently passed away. It had been her favourite too. I scrambled to pick up the pages that had floated to the ground. All I could hear was the laughter of my tormentor and his cronies. I silently begged for the ground to swallow me up.

Victoria threw whatever was left of the book at me. It bounced off of my head, which only made everyone roar with laughter.

“Oh, shit Vic, that was a good shot!”

“I hope the book’s okay!”

“Maybe it knocked some sense into her?”

The snarky comments kept coming. I grabbed the book and my bag, throwing it over my shoulder before sprinting away like my life depended on it. I could still hear them laughing when I reached the other side of the field. At least they hadn’t followed me. I couldn’t be near them anymore. I couldn’t be here anymore.

I made the quick decision to bunk the rest of the day and go home. I left the school through the back gate – I was not going to risk being caught going out of the front.

It only took me twenty minutes to get home. I couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down my face as I walked. A few passers-by gave me strange looks, but no one stopped me to ask if I was okay. A fourteen-year-old girl walking the streets alone in tears during a school day should’ve seemed odd to anyone who saw me. The fact that nobody stopped made me feel even more insignificant. Like truly, nobody cared.

Thankfully, mum wasn’t home. She was probably out shopping. I dumped my school bag by the door and dashed upstairs, taking the steps three at a time – a great feat for me and my little legs. I went into the bathroom and ran a bath.

I stripped and stood in front of the mirror, staring at my reflection as my thoughts raced.

Was I really as ugly as people said I was? Mum and my grandparents had always told me I was beautiful. They were forever showering me with compliments, but they seemed meaningless now. I had naturally blonde hair that flowed all the way down to my waist. My eyes were the lightest shade of blue I have ever seen, with a unique brown fleck in the right one. I wore wide rimmed glasses that had a leopard print design. My skin wasn’t the clearest, but then again, what fourteen-year-old’s was?

The longer I looked at myself, the more faults I found. No. They were right. I was ugly. My phone beeped in my pocket and I pulled it out and looked.

“Run away like the scaredy-cat bitch you are, have you? Oh well, we’ve always got tomorrow to continue where we left off. I look forward to making your face look even uglier than it already is.”

“Hey fatty! All that running you did won’t make you lose the weight any faster you know.”

“Hey Ava? I looked up ’fugly’ in the dictionary and your picture was next to it.”

This wasn’t the first time I had text messages from my tormentor and his friends. But this time, I had been pushed to the edge. I was at the end of my tether.

I turned the tap on the bath off and took out a brand-new razor from the cabinet under the sink. I slid into the bath and submerged my head beneath the steaming water. The water was hot, almost burning, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t feel. I was numb at this point. I resurfaced and looked at the razor in my hand. I took the blade out and dropped the plastic shell to the floor before placing the blade along my wrist. I knew what I was doing. I knew how to do it properly. This wasn’t my first rodeo and I had learned from my previous mistakes. This time, I won’t wake to see another day.

I am ugly… I don’t deserve to be here… The world would be better without me in it… No-one would miss me…

These thoughts whirred through my mind as I made the attempt. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the back of the bath, resting my arms palms-up, on the edge. I felt the blood trickle down my arm before quietly dripping into the bath water. I willed for the darkness to engulf me.

I awoke to distant sounds of beeps and someone crying.