What is your opinion?
Darcy Quinn
"There was lots to love about this, I found myself very engaged and rewarded in so many different ways, I have only recently started writing myself so am more given to overall impression than in depth analysis, this is what I found. I loved the name choices and the way the characters were developed, you did this in a way that helped me to visualise them, gave them history, quirks and memorable personalities. In fact I liked Pierre and Ash enough to want to go on reading about them as main characters. If only you could keep them alive. I mourned. They deserved a better future, to get out of it somehow, a close scrape with death. Really interesting position with the heartless woman in chapter two creating him in her dead child's image. I have seen a similar idea used before, but I have to say you worked it in a unique way and pulled it off more successfully. I would happily read the whole book, yes, the previous comment about alternating seems sound to me. Well done, I enjoyed it."
A delightfully harsh new world
"I like the beginning overall. It sets a good tone and starts in a manner that piques the interest to an extent. We rapidly learn interesting new things about the character and the world. It’s a great pace for a short story. There are a lot of fun and clever ideas and the reader is well manipulated into feeling for Pierre before the end. It’s a great introduction to the world that continues in the next story. It might be interesting to read about a less directly related character between the two stories, though. Give people a chance to get over Pierre before Lamia’s tough choices come at them hard. In terms of constructive criticism: From the beginning, I noticed a tendency toward slippage of tense. It might be good to go over the tense with a fine-tooth comb just to be safe. There’s also an unnecessary causal tone that creeps in near the beginning. “You know,” etc. This kind of tone is an interesting technique for a story told constantly in a casual, intimate manner but it makes for a disruption otherwise and detracts from the general style used in this case. All-in-all, a good read! Keep up the good work."
A fun distraction
"I will not pretend to be an expert in writing and as such i will only give my personal opinion rather than well informed critique. I enjoyed the story a lot, in a very short amount of time you were able to create a vivid world with interesting characters. I would honestly have enjoyed a full book on Pierre just living in this world. The second chapter was definitely unexpected so i must applaud your mind and brought a different but welcome point of view. All in all it was a quick interesting story that definitely held my attention and for that i can happily recommend this to anyone with 15 minutes to spare who is looking for a fun distraction. "
Not very original I'm afraid
"This is interesting, PR, but unfortunately dystopian stories about an furturistic, autocratic government eliminating free thinking dissenters are legion. Here's some writing suggestions you might want to consider. When starting a new story always consider your protagonist's Goal - what they want; Motivation - why they want it; and, Conflict - what's preventing them from getting it. Present this to the reader right at the beginning - ideally the first page, but for sure in the first chapter. This helps the reader understand what's at stake in the story and if they should invest the time. "Show don't tell." You've probably heard this before and wondered what's the difference? Well, the difference is as a writer you're telling your reader what's happening rather than having them experience it (showing). Write so the reader is actually feels involved in the action. Use the present not the past tense. Try re-writing scenes inserting more dialogue and action rather than summary. It really will make your work"
