On Death Row

On Death Row

By Danni Lee

I watched him behind the bars across from my cell. He looked scruff and rough, life had not been good to him. He was younger than me by years and years, and he paced endlessly.

“What’s your name son?” I asked quietly. If the others on the row heard you, they all began to chatter.

“I’m not your son,” he whispered back, but he stopped and looked at me. “It’s Butch.” He sat down and sighed.

“I’m Merrill.” I sat facing him. The guards came through then, with the meal of the day, and there was no talking through the noise. Things would settle down soon, it was the evening after all, and nighttime brought its own quiet. Conversation would wait.

I ate my dinner and lay down on my bed. It was at these times that I thought most about my family. I missed them so much, I so loved my kids, and they were at a great age. Dozing, I dreamed of them. Chasing them around the yard, playing ball and eating dinner with them. The best time, was in the evening, during our bedtime stories. I could almost smell the soap they used, for their bedtime bath and the moist warmth of their skin. I missed the smiles, but I remember the tears when I came here. It was quiet now.

“Butch.” I whispered and sat up on my bed. I looked across the row into his dark cell, but soon I saw movement.

“What do you want Merrill.” His voice was tired and sad.

“What are you in for?” I asked. Tonight, would be my last one, and I was here, if he wanted the company.

“I attacked someone.” He was ashamed and I could hear it in his voice.

“I’m so sorry.” I had no way to comfort him.

“It wasn’t my fault.” He was a little too loud and the other inmates began to make a ruckus. I was patient and would wait to hear what happened. Time passed and things settled down.

“What happened Butch?” I came close to the bars and looked through them.

“It was a normal day, and I was out in the yard.” He came close and leaned against the bars. “A stranger came into the yard and I was worried about my family. I approached him and told him over and over to leave. But he just kept coming.” He needed a second to collect his thoughts. He was breathing heavily, and I knew he was reliving the moment. “The next thing I knew I could taste blood.”

A rush of cold went through me and my heart sank for him. He hung his head, and we both sat there, looking at each other. Some time passed and I watched the moon light track across the floor.

“Why are you here, Merrill?” He asked me quietly.

“The world today is so fast. It’s almost instant, much like food and snacks for the kids.” I sat and thought about it. “You don’t ever plan on being old.” I sighed. “I am not what I used to be and that is why I am here.”

“They brought you here to die?” His voice caught on the last word.

“Yes, they did.” It hurt just to say. “All my life I was living in the moment. I remember when the kids were brought home. So small and noisy, and they couldn’t play. They learned to walk by holding on to me. When they got older, I would chase them around the yard until they were so tired. But now, at the end, all I wanted, was for them to be here when I die.” I put my head down, full of shame and longing for love.

“Merrill.” He whispered. “Merrill.” He said a little louder, but the row was fully asleep. “It’s not right, what they did to you.”

“Nothing can be done now.” I sat there in complete agony.

“They didn’t just dump you, did they?” He whispered so quietly I could barely hear him.

“No, they brought me to the gate.” I couldn’t believe I was telling him the whole story. “And then they said they didn’t know me.” The embarrassment of being disclaimed was overwhelming.

“I was saved.” He said quietly. “I’ve been in a cell before, but this time, I won’t make it out alive.”

“What happened to your first family?” I asked resting my head on the bars.

“I just kept growing and I think it was overwhelming for them.” He sighed. “They did love me though. Even when I was in a cell, they came to visit, they wanted to make sure I got a home. I’m grateful to them for that.”

“I just wish they could see things through.” I could see the room was starting to get brighter. “From birth to death. It’s all any of us want.”

“Do you know how they do it? How they kill us?” There was fear in his voice.

“I don’t know, but we are going to find out soon.”

“Mister Merrill sir.” The softest voice came down the row. “You were lucky sir. I didn’t get a family.”

“Butch, can you see who that is?” I asked him. I couldn’t see down the row on this side.

Butch turned his head and looked down the row. “It’s a pup, Merrill, a young pup.” He shook his head, and I could see the tears in his eyes.

“What you talking about pup?” I asked quietly, the other inmates would be up soon, and I didn’t want to wake them early.

“I just left my mom a few weeks ago, and I was running down the road. I didn’t see it sir. I didn’t the car and he clipped me a good one. I can’t run now sir. I can’t even walk.” The young voice had such a whimper in it and my heart broke for the boy.

“When are you going down?” I asked him softly.

“Today sir. It don’t hurt.” His voice was shattered, and now, even I had tears in my eyes.

I looked at Butch. “What about you?” I asked him.

“I’ll die today too.” He was having a hard time controlling it.

You just wanted to howl, until you couldn’t no more. “I guess we’ll see who goes first.” I said trying to hold back the howl in my heart.

The door opened and guard started down the row. The inmates made such a commotion, but when they saw the restraints, it got quiet. They knew, they all knew, it was the death, for one of us on the row. I watched and waited for the guard. I hoped he would pick me first. I couldn’t stand the thought of watching the other go before me. I was an old dog, and with any luck. I would be picked first. The guard stopped outside my gate and opened it slowly. He slapped the restraint on me and started off back down the row. I didn’t want to go and plated my feet. He tried to be kind and called to me amongst the noise. “Come on old man.” He said above the clamor. I had no choice, I never did, and I dropped my head and followed him.

I glanced at Butch. He had tears in his eyes. “I’ll be right behind ya.” He said and something in my heart gave way. I couldn’t help myself and I whimpered.

I looked at the pup as I came close. He was beautiful, so young, and so dammed. “Hold your head up sir. You did the best you could.” I didn’t think I could learn anything from a pup.

I tipped my head down as I went past him, and then I held it up. It was my death, and I wasn’t going to go whimpering. The man led me to the small room, a closet really but it was where I was going to die. The guard lifted me up and put me on the metal table. He laid me down gently and put his hand on my back. “It’s ok,” The guard said, and his touch was gentle. He stroked my head for a moment and then reached over to the counter and picked up a needle. “It won’t hurt for long.” Tears ran down the guard’s face and so help me, all my instincts went into action. I licked his face and offered him some comfort. It was my death, but he was hurting too. I felt the needle bite and slide under my skin. Then the world kinda got fuzzy, I had to put my head down and close my eyes. There was a soft kiss on the top of my head, but for all the loss of feeling, I could still hear. What I heard, at the end of my life, was laughter. I could hear my children playing and the soft sound of someone crying.