Heartbreak, sweet tea and summer wind.

Of course this doesn't go unnoticed by nosy ladies and gentlemen of a small town, and the eyes begin to leave that prickly feeling that you feel when someone's watching you. A group of boys I didn't recognized decided to follow me. They moved when You showed up, hiding from a friend who was shorter than two of them and wider than 3 of them standing on their heads.

Soon I turned a corner after I felt what I thought was love fade into sadness when they point me out to each other asking if I was her, assuming what we all are at this point, yes I am that girl you saw get bullied in at the movies by being fat.
I honestly always though I was fat, developing an eating disorder at 17 after realzing that the one thing in my pitiful life that I could control was my weight, of course I didn't realize that my own mother developing the exact same eating disorder when she was my age and therefore repeating destiny. Thank god I have a clean streak in my future married to a man who eventually gonna divorce me during this and eventually give my daughter a fear of skinny people and spinach.

The boys had no idea who I was. None. I was a blip on their radar and had interfered during their own flight. If they had known me I would've cared less because I hated everyone in my school. Minus like 10 which cemented themselves into my brain for life, but honestly everyone there had a little love from me, I could never hate my fellow classmates, but three or four random boys in a Walmart? That's the worst.

Why?

Because at that moment you realize that every single stranger that is seeing you for the very first time is thinking "oh my god she's fat". That's their first thought of you, and forever the first thing you'll be seen as in their brain is as 'the fattest girl I've seen'. Of course I had a 3 xl hoodie on and was simple walking around like that because i declared this a safety hoodie.

I know I'm not the healthiest person in the room but I was trying, taking pills for my cholesterol and slowly waking outside more, hearing them say that was a eye opener because I needed to be better with myself because at the rate I was going? Heart attack city! one way ticket please! I never wanted to be like this. In that second I made my mind up, choosing to walk every day for an hour for the next ten years. Maybe losing weight for me was good.

The boys make fun of me before I decided to speed up and walk out of there trying not to cry because I just got a shit platter handed to me instead of the silver one. Sometimes out of ridicule you can start being better.

But you. You holding me close to your body, I never wanted to let you go. I wanted you to never let me go. You felt so warm and so stronger and you felt like home. Your jacket smelt like hardwork and oil, like dirt and sweat, like rusty nails and leather, your arms holding me safe, keeping me from floating away. You just holding me for a spilt second made me feel warm inside. Made me feel like I could be loved, that instead of throwing up, I could be moved to tears at the movies true love. I felt so safe, so cared for, so adored in that hug. In all your hugs honestly.

But this was amplifed by my high and I could feel myself wanting you to hold me forever. To beg you to take me to your truck and let me sleep this high off, just so I could feel safe. I felt so full when you let me hug you. No one ever hugs me like you do. You wrap your arms around my shoulders which few could do. You made the experience of being ridiculed so much more easier.