the end
“Ella,” Alex mumbled as his arm brushed the right side of the bed, feeling its cold emptiness. His eyes flickering he opened them, finding himself alone in their bedroom. Awakened he pulled the covers off, he got up, putting his feet into his slippers not wanting to walk barefoot or feel the coldness of the floor. Groggily he made his way out, opening the closed door he exited the bedroom finding Ella on the table with her computer.
“You’re up,” Ella remarked hearing his footsteps approaching her closer and closer. She had been up for quite a while trying to find a distraction from the voices in her head, they were the reason for her inability to close her eyes and rest. Her favorite distraction was the internet, it had the endless hole of Wikipedia, the endless content of other people’s lives on social media, the comedic videos, and comments of random people in the world. Tonight she found herself diving into the world of io games, free accountless video games simple enough that required only attention and hand-eye coordination, and very little emotional investment, because if you didn’t have a little you'd just be respawning the whole time.
“Mmm, can’t sleep?” Alex asked as he pulled out the chair to sit in front of her. Most boyfriends would have pulled the chair beside her to observe her actions, lean on her to converse but Ella didn’t like that. She had told him early into their relationship that she preferred conversations eye to eye, that she didn’t like it when people had their attention on something irrelevant to the conversation. Sitting he looked over at her trying to interpret her mood from her body language, though he knew her body never spoke the same language as her heart.
“Something like that,” she replied in a near whisper. The truth is Ella hadn’t been able to sleep for a week, she spent the night lying awake, getting out of bed to drink water and trying to fall asleep, but tonight she quit trying to convince herself to sleep because no matter how many times you convince yourself of something that isn’t happening it isn’t going to change.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Alex asked looking at her, hoping she’d say yes. I don’t know if I can go back to sleep if she declines, it would be awkward if I went back to sleep alone, he thought to himself.
“Sure,” she replied. Quitting the game she closed the browser, turning her laptop off. Shutting her laptop she moved it aside so it wouldn’t cover his face or be the object of awkward attention. She looked into his eyes to observe his mood to determine the appropriate way to discuss her feelings. But looking into his eyes she saw a familiar expression, at the depth of his eyes it was as if time was running out. We’re in the same place she whispered inside herself; they were on the verge of breaking, breaking in the silence. Sitting face to face, they looked into each other’s eyes knowingly like they had always been, and how they always would be, in the silent understanding no one could ever know of. Her heart steady she tucked her hair behind her ear she began to speak.
“When I think about it’s funny I keep putting the wrong puzzle pieces together, and I keep thinking they fit, that they look right. I keep trying to put things together, to build on things that aren’t already right and by the time I know it’s wrong, it’s too late because I’ve used up all my pieces, so I have to keep redoing it over and over again. I’m stupid aren’t I, not able to see that the pieces match, and thinking I’m right till there’s nothing anymore.” She said with a slight chuckle, giving him a slight smile.
“What do you mean?” He asked in confusion, not sure what she was referring to, he could never understand when she spoke metaphors. She looked at him knowingly, with a slight giggle in her throat because no matter how simple the metaphors she spoke, he could never understand. Typically she explained her metaphor straightforwardly to not overcomplicate things, so he didn’t have to only be listening to her speak, but as she thought about how to explain it to him she realized there was no other way to clarify without telling a story. She blinked as she prepared to tell the story, changing her expression from one of lightheartedness to deep set loneliness. Sometimes the loneliest thing was knowing how much of you no one could understand, knowing that no matter how you expressed they could never truly understand it from your eyes because their eyes belittled and only saw the surface of it, and stories were always told in a limited view.
“There was once a girl, and ever since she was young her wish was to be loved by everyone. So she studied what every person she knew loved in a person, and piece by piece she changed herself to someone they loved. She changed faces playing the character of what one person loved for them and the next for the next person until she had an individual face for every individual person she knew. There was this one person’s love she especially always craved and she realized that their way of expressing love was different than the rest, it wasn’t praises, compliments, gifts, physical affection, or adoration. Their love was belittlement, seeing her like a doll to be played with, their love was the harshness and negative attention. So she accepted their love because she so desperately coveted it, it became a need, she wanted it so much she didn’t know how to live without it. So piece by piece she lost herself, playing a new character or her worship of him, the very love that was poisonous. And eventually, she became a hollow shell, nothing of her was herself, and he threw away her because now she was a broken doll, he had found new toys to play with, that weren’t as emotional as her. Trying to fill herself up, trying to fix herself she threw herself at anyone who would accept her, who would adore her, but every time she tried to give herself she realized there was nothing to give. So love stopped coming, but still, she tried because that was all she knew, the adoration, the fulfillment of her desire for love. So she quit trying because she realized she could not receive the love she was given. After all, she was broken, there was no way to keep what was given and there was nothing she could give because she was empty. And one day she met a person who loved and adored her, the time had passed so she thought she could maybe accept their love, so she let him in. She realized they were like her, lonely and wanting to be loved, but still, she continued to let him in her life. But as she tried to accept their love and adoration she realized she could not, but she brushed it off saying she would be able to soon, but she knew she still couldn’t. She had made the same mistake she had made before again and again. She knew the longer she held on the harder it would be for her to let go, and the longer she didn’t let go the more she would break him and she did not wish to break him the way she had been broken and left empty. So she did what she knew she had to, let them go. And that’s the end,” Ella remarked matter factly.
“I still don’t understand, it has nothing related to what you were talking about with puzzles,” Alex stated, confused at the correlation of her comment and the story.
“They both have patterns, I always realize too late that what I’m doing is wrong and the girl in the story is always trying to make people love her but not as she is. We both try to make things the way it doesn’t work, not everyone will love you so you can’t make everyone love you, and I keep forcing things that aren’t working on myself.” Ella said with a humorless tone.
“So what do you mean by the ending of the story?” Alex asked solemnly. The ending wasn’t very happy and was skirting along the edge of the implication of breaking up, but inside he tried to convince himself that he was being delusional. If she wanted to break up she’d do it straightforwardly he told himself.
“Alex, I don’t want to be with you or anyone because I’m lonely, I don’t want to use you to fill my emptiness. I don’t want to pretend that there is a possibility that I can love you when I know I can’t, I don’t want to hurt you anymore because of my selfishness. I want to care for you and love you but I can’t, the only way I know how to is by pushing you away because I don’t know how to love myself.” Ella said firmly, looking into his eyes with an expression of solemnity.
“Let’s break up, ok,” she asked softly. She did the only thing she knew she could do, surrender in this losing war because after all love was never a war within yourself.
“Ok,” he replied seriously, looking into her eyes softly he knew there was nothing left to say. He knew there was nothing he could do to change it, he knew her heart had chosen and there was no way to fight it. He loved her, he cared for her so deeply he agreed to all she said, he listened to her every thought and feeling, and even if she wanted to end it, he knew he wouldn’t fight it because he loved her, even if he loved her alone.
In the silence they sat face to face looking into each other’s eyes, waiting for who would get up first, for who would say something first. Ella looking one last time at him, memorizing the look in his eyes, looked away.
“It’s late, you should head back to bed, you’ll need all the rest you can get for work tomorrow.” She remarked as she had always.
“Goodnight,” he said as he pushed in the chair.
“Goodnight,” she replied softly watching him return to their bedroom.
