Lean and effective erotic tale!

"Hi Kitt. It's a challenge to effectively describe a scene and also convey a plot. Operation Hiatus gets the ball rolling nice and succinctly. You establish Gil's unrequited love for Ryder and the tension between them in school wonderfully. I really enjoy supporting characters. so Jessie is my favorite part. I love when someone helps their friend get out of their comfort zone to pursue their desires. Jessie is a crucial part in your story, helping set up the whole erotic scenario for Gil and Ryder. Nothing personal, but I'm not the one to help with the final scene between Gil and Ryder. :-) As far as things to work on, I made some grammatical suggestions as I read. In several cases, I liked your wording already, you can just tighten it up with smaller sentences or varied lengths of phrases and tenses. Some of these are style choices, so don't feel you need to change them all. Besides that, there were a few typos I caught, no big deal. I will ask though, what's with "~" throughout the story? Are you using it as a dash? I wasn't familiar with that use, so disregard my comments it that's Kosher. Thank you for sharing. RunFree"