Prologue and Ch. 1 Really Great Start
Hi Pia. I found your story from your post in the Introduce yourself group.
Read the story now
I am really enjoying the Forbidden Territories so far. Via is a great POV character. She's so open as a person, yet still a source of so much mystery with her mental fog. I love her yellow dress and shoes combo. It feels like a great embodiment of her outgoing and kind personality.
Being a sibling myself, I also really enjoy Maya being part of the story. The tensions and comradery between them remind me of me and my brother. I love how they can tease each other and also be there for support, like Via taking Maya to her job at the bar.
The "meet cute" between Zach and Via is great. I am always down for a good pratfall. The actions are well described and it gets the duo playing off each other in different positions than if they just met talked.
I'm going to humbly offer a few suggestions on the editing side. First, I would make sure your characters names are introduced right away. When Via is woken from her ice cream daydream in front of the TV, she only refers to Maya as "my sister" first, then Maya later. I would introduce her as "my sister Maya" out of the gate.
Second, when Via runs into Zach, its said that he is one foot shorter than her. Elaborate here. How tall is Via? How short is Zach. I get the sense that he's the one that's shorter, but a little more detail would be wonderful.
Lastly, I made a suggestion on one of your last paragraphs. It's an exchange between Via and Trina. I really like the energy between the friends, but this exchange was a little awkward in its wording.
Thank you for sharing and I look forward to reading more of your characters' adventures!