R. F. R. Wilder

Lighthearted erotic story writer. Lover of ladies' minds and bodies. Also folk rock. Mod at enf-cmnf.com

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Great Ch. 1

Hi Ashten. I read Ch. 1 of Escaping the Past. As I was going, I made several notations, praise and suggestions. New to Inkitt as I am, I don't know how these will appear to you.

Let me reiterate here that I really enjoy the set up and the characters. Ryann and Thomas have a great complicated chemistry. I can't tell if he will be a positive or negative force in her life, and that's a wonderful teaser for the rest of your book. 63 chapters is very impressive. I hope to nibble some more when I can.

Best of luck in your further writing and redrafting and updates from me when they happen :-)

RunFree

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Prologue and Ch. 1 Really Great Start

Hi Pia. I found your story from your post in the Introduce yourself group.

I am really enjoying the Forbidden Territories so far. Via is a great POV character. She's so open as a person, yet still a source of so much mystery with her mental fog. I love her yellow dress and shoes combo. It feels like a great embodiment of her outgoing and kind personality.

Being a sibling myself, I also really enjoy Maya being part of the story. The tensions and comradery between them remind me of me and my brother. I love how they can tease each other and also be there for support, like Via taking Maya to her job at the bar.

The "meet cute" between Zach and Via is great. I am always down for a good pratfall. The actions are well described and it gets the duo playing off each other in different positions than if they just met talked.

I'm going to humbly offer a few suggestions on the editing side. First, I would make sure your characters names are introduced right away. When Via is woken from her ice cream daydream in front of the TV, she only refers to Maya as "my sister" first, then Maya later. I would introduce her as "my sister Maya" out of the gate.

Second, when Via runs into Zach, its said that he is one foot shorter than her. Elaborate here. How tall is Via? How short is Zach. I get the sense that he's the one that's shorter, but a little more detail would be wonderful.

Lastly, I made a suggestion on one of your last paragraphs. It's an exchange between Via and Trina. I really like the energy between the friends, but this exchange was a little awkward in its wording.

Thank you for sharing and I look forward to reading more of your characters' adventures!

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Ch. 1 Thoughts

Hi Crystal

I am really intrigued by your setting and characters. I read so many stories in high school or in picturesque city jobs or small towns, etc.

Here, its a bitter snowstorm and funeral. I love the contrast of having sexual tensions crop up when a love one dies. It might seem crazy, but for those who have lived through the passing of freinds and family, there is a strong feeling to find new life that can grow at these ceremonies.

Better still, I love it being such a nasty funeral. It's attended by a very complicated assortment of family relations and abusive boyfriends.

Aurora's problems are so mature and relatable. She's lived for years, growing close to her mother and her work. She's also experienced and is working through so much trauma. Her abusive boyfriend David and her alcoholic father. It's very understandable why she would fall for her blood orange-eyed boss who is good with children.

This is a general theme I saw in the many other reviews posted about your story: Proof reading. Sadly, it is very difficult to get through many parts of your story because of the typos and formatting errors. Please don't let this discourage you, but instead use it as inspiration to dive back in.

On your following redrafts, the clarity of action and characters will naturally happen as you read and re read yourself. I always say, and am always told, read your work out loud. With all your characters, this will be especially fun to do here. You can develop specific voices for them and so on. :-)

I'm so excited for your continued writing adventures. Please reach out when you have a new draft!

RunFree

Edit: this score will evolve as I read through your story Crystal!

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Lean and effective erotic tale!

Hi Kitt. It's a challenge to effectively describe a scene and also convey a plot. Operation Hiatus gets the ball rolling nice and succinctly. You establish Gil's unrequited love for Ryder and the tension between them in school wonderfully.

I really enjoy supporting characters. so Jessie is my favorite part. I love when someone helps their friend get out of their comfort zone to pursue their desires. Jessie is a crucial part in your story, helping set up the whole erotic scenario for Gil and Ryder. Nothing personal, but I'm not the one to help with the final scene between Gil and Ryder. :-)

As far as things to work on, I made some grammatical suggestions as I read. In several cases, I liked your wording already, you can just tighten it up with smaller sentences or varied lengths of phrases and tenses. Some of these are style choices, so don't feel you need to change them all.

Besides that, there were a few typos I caught, no big deal. I will ask though, what's with "~" throughout the story? Are you using it as a dash? I wasn't familiar with that use, so disregard my comments it that's Kosher.

Thank you for sharing.

RunFree

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