Chapter 1
Dear Younger Self,
I know you had a hard time with things recently. The move was unexpected, the DMV was difficult, your landlords were busy with their own problems so you thought they didn't want to help you out... You wish with all your might to be perfect. You don't want to let anyone down. You don't want to let yourself down. But Sweetie, I have something to tell you.
You can't think that way.
You make lists and organize until your head feels like it will explode. That kind of thing is okay to do, sure, because lists keep you on track and remind you what needs to get done. But when you start to feel overwhelmed and panicked and concerned that if you don't do something right then and there (especially if you think it has to be perfect), you're going to hurt.
Things got out of hand (at least, in your head they did) and you handled them the only way you knew how. But I'm going to tell you something that you may not like.
It's okay to get upset. It really is. However, when you spend at least ten minutes every day of two straight weeks crying, there's something wrong. You can't go around thinking you need everything done right away. Know why? Nothing works that way. You may think you have some control, but you shouldn't. You can't let the downs of life control the ups.
You have so many things to look forward to in life. You fell in love, first of all. Why? What was so great at that time in your life that you opened up to him? I'll remind you, since you can't seem to remember.
Honey, you had just broken up with one of your best friends. Not literally, but things were said and you really didn't think you'd ever see her again. And that was okay. You were finally over the sneering comments and awful way she left you in the dirt when your world was crashing down around you. You told yourself that you didn't need that negativity in your life.
And you moved on.
That was why you were able to fall in love. He came along and brightened your already bright world. His opinions fascinated you. He made you laugh in ways that you never thought anyone could; because who in this world was just like you? He thought you were beautiful. He enjoyed the same things as you.
So why are you doubting this beautiful gift? I know you still feel down about making everyone do a run-around. You feel like it was your fault that everything was last-minute and rushed. Well, it was. Tough luck. You waited on things that should not have been pushed further down the calendar. Once you woke up you wanted them done now, but of course, once you realized what needed to get done, you had to hurry up and wait some more.
This frustrated you beyond belief.
But it wasn't your fault. It still isn't. Sometimes things just work that way. And you can't doubt your relationship because you're frustrated with yourself. You need to stop thinking that everything is your fault. The world is crazy. You have to stop thinking that he doesn't want you anymore. He stuck by you. Doesn't that prove it? Just because you've changed doesn't mean that he's going to leave. He loves you, just as much or more than you love him. And that means he'll look past your freakish organization and freakish anxiety.
Because they're not freakish.
He has now seen you at your absolute worst. You're hoping that nothing brings you that far down ever again, but Honey, it very well might. Again, the world is nuts. You just have breathe. If you want to survive in this world and by survive I mean BE HAPPY, you really do have to chill out, Love.
Plus, you're moving! Even though its farther from work and right next to your landlords (ugh, I know), you have a view of the mountains---which you didn't have before---your bedroom and bathroom now have doors, you have your own kitchen--finally!---and you're right next to a running path in the woods. How much better can life get?
Oh, and you get to live with your best friend. Sure, he plays video games at all hours of the night. You fell in love with him because he loved videos games, didn't you? He eats all types of candy when he plays. You love that he eats what he wants and isn't afraid to. So why do you get jealous? Because you are too hard on yourself. As long as you stick to a workout routine, you should be able to eat whatever you want and not feel guilty about it.
Please, for the love of God, get over that. It only messes with your head and gives you a bad stomach ache when you worry.
You want to spend the rest of your life with this man. I don't see how you can, though, with the way things are going. Seriously, I know it's hard to swallow. You want him, and you don't want him. You want to be happy, but how can you be? If you don't start to relax and tell yourself everything will be okay, everything won't be okay.
He was stressed just as much as you were. But you made him that way. He's an emotional amoeba. He tried to comfort you. He wanted to be there for you. And you were grateful because without him you would have done some nasty things to yourself. But he told you how he felt afterwards, once the things you were worried about were all said and done. He was stressed.
He loves you, Girl. He wants to build a family with you, a home. He wants a life with you. You don't get that every day. Do you really think you're that awful? How would someone like him ever fall in love with you if you were?
And why do you only think these things when you're alone? When you're with him, everything is perfect. But step away for one second, and everything is falling apart.
It's not. You need to realize this.
Get a backbone. Realize that you're beautiful. You have muscles and work to maintain them, amazing pale-freckly skin, great hair, an awesome smile... It's just your attitude that needs to change. Even then, he would say that you're perfect the way your are.
You don't need to feel ashamed all the time. What is there to feel ashamed of? You didn't get your license early when you could have saved yourself all this stress? Yep, you could have. It's over. It's something to learn from; that's it. You remind him to do the laundry or the dishes and it pisses you off when he forgets? Yep, it does, but he's a different person than you are. He's laid back. You have to loosen the rope around your chest. It'll be okay if he doesn't do them right away. You feel bad for reminding him about that stuff? He asks for it because he knows he's lazy. Get over it.
Sweetie, you are a wonderful young woman. A little pig-headed, strong-willed, and stubborn at times, but you're you. Live the life you want. Don't give in to what others want your life to be. You only get one shot.
Don't mess it up.
Sincerely,
Older Self
