johnson15

Not too shabby :)

Hi there!

This was definitely a good start! Your story is very intriguing. I'd like to see what happens next! I like the unusual names. It honestly makes me think of an anime I've been watching. Is that a little stereotypical? Was that what you were going for? I apologize if I offend; I didn't check where you were from before I started reading. Anyhoo! The one thing I'd say about your story that could need some tuning would be your grammar. Commas are usually used to separate dialogue from the person who is speaking, unless the speaker shouts or is full of emotion. Then a question mark or exclamation mark is used.

"You'd like that?" she asked. Or; "Now off you go," chuckled the Chief. Or: "You're so aggravating!" he raged.

Once that's spruced up, it will be something spectacular! Keep up the good work!

:)

Beautiful

Hi there!

This piece was very descriptive! It pulled me in and held me there. I'd be super pumped if I could read more! I really liked how you connected Cami's memories of Izzy with the real Izzy: her brown hair and how she dyed it brown with Cami once. I also liked how you connected the child to Izzy (I assumed they were one in the same?): the child's chocolate brown eyes and Izzy's chocolate brown eyes. Things like those, super small details, often get overlooked.

You did a great job! Keep it up!

D'awwww!

Hi there!

Aw, this was so cute! You could clean up some sentences after the dialogue, as they're a bit overdrawn with details, but they're still really good! Just when I thought I knew what was coming, Hope turned out to be a boy! It kept me laughing and smiling.

Great job and keep it up!

Whoa :D

Hi there!

This was the best story I've read today! Seriously, the way you described Lynch and the surroundings of the casino really brought it to life. The Soulcatcher is an intriguing device; I want to know more about it! I hope you keep writing this story. I know it says 'complete' next to your entry, but this story can go places! If you really want to keep it the way it is---because that's up to you, of course---I'm still behind it, no sweat! It really is great the way it is, one chapter and all!

Keep up the good work and keep writing, whatever that may be!

Fantastic

Hi there!

This was amazing. I loved the detail and the sentences you chose were specific and to the point; everything just worked for your description and dialogue. My one criticism would be that you didn't give enough spacing towards the end of the entry. It got a bit confusing when there wasn't a distinction between the speakers or from the speakers and the description and happenings around that dialogue.

Keep it up and I can't wait to read more (if you have other stories, that is)!!

:)

An old Englishman

Hey there!

I really enjoyed this piece! It was hard to get into at first---I didn't understand why you chose some of the words you did---but after a while, those words choices made it for me. I went back and read through the first few sentences again, and it clicked. There was a flow that definitely made you sound like an old Englishman (that part made me laugh) and your alliteration really kept the story moving.

I liked how you described the way "Writer's Block" just didn't fit you anymore; he couldn't stay because he let you read, and continue to read even though that was his downfall. It was very imaginative!

Keep doing what you're doing!

Cool Idea

Hey there!

I read your story and it was very interesting! Not the interesting like, "Oh, cool, I guess," but the, "Huh, That was deep...it made me think," kind of interesting. It was deep and written well.

Keep up the good work!