Last Words
“I guess I should start off by telling you all my name ?” A few people nodded in agreement but most just stared blankly. “So my name is Drew and I don’t know what to say. I’m from Illinois, I guess you can say I’m not the most charismatic person, I don’t know.” Yeah I know it’s a monologue and boring exposition but I don’t really know how else to say.
“So I’m here because I don’t know what I want out of life, just gonna be completely open. I don’t know what I want and I don’t know who I am, right now I’m just some guy from Illinois who just so happens to be here talking to all of you. But the fact that I am here right now, the fact I’m trying to figure it all out, maybe...just maybe it’s enough ?”
My leg won’t stop bouncing, I’ve never done anything like this before. Is this fear or excitement ? “So uh yeah, I’m here now. That might not be enough for some of you and I understand that none of you think it’s enough to excuse what I did. It happened, it’s done and there’s no going back. I’m sorry but it’s true that’s just life. I know I took away their chances at life but maybe that was fate. Wrong place wrong time.”
“Your honor this man clearly doesn’t regret his actions.”
“Fuck you I’m not done talking-“
[BANG BANG BANG]
When the judge slams his mallet and the vibrations of justice echo in the courtroom, it sends me back to that time. Each time, each impact sends me back. That wonderful sound of a hammer hitting a hard surface. It’s the bliss that comes from crushing the skull, like chewing hard candy with a jelly center.
“Ahem, as you can see this sick man doesn’t feel sorry for killing those children. This monster doesn’t even object to what he’s done. That’s why no one is here to defend him because no one in their right mind would do such a thing.”
Even with my hands chained I can’t help but feel free, the freest I’ve ever been in my entire life. Free from the chains that held me under water for so long. Free from all the hatred, free from the darkness, free from all the pain, free from the loneliness.
As I look around the courtroom at the crying families, the frantic reporters, the guards with their finger on the trigger, the prosecutor breaking a sweat trying to convince the jury to end my life I can’t help but feel at ease. The ease of knowing I’m not alone. The ease of knowing we’re all here together. This odd sense of belonging. Almost like a community even if the community finds it appalling, they’re still here with me and...maybe that’s just enough.
