Chapter 1
As kids, we were all told stories about the history of our new world—how things evolved to create new connections between humans, leading to soulmate bonds and how the government started mass distributing emotion pills that really do the exact opposite of what they sound like they do. But no one would truly understand our society unless they lived in it.
In the year of 2048, the government decided that certain emotions in certain people led to uncertain behaviors that could damage society and with that, created a pill that could read each unique person’s DNA and take an emotion—the emotion best suited to create a better life. Or at least, that’s what they’ve told us and that’s what most believe.
After the mass success of the pills, the government made it a law that each person must take their pill before the age of 16. This makes sure the emotion is taken before the presentation of soulmates, if there are any, and gives time to adjust before full maturity.
Something that also developed over past years are soulmates. The first soulmate was discovered by a young girl, age 18, who touched her childhood best friend one day and got a blast of new energy, tingles in her fingertips and butterflies in her stomach. Soulmates are very rare, but you know who they are as soon as they present themselves. Most don’t have a soulmate. Very few do. Humans are all made unique, which is why it’s hard for there to be two humans who are made so perfect for one another. Once both soulmates are the age of 18, they present to each other and life carries on. It’s impossible to break the bond from that moment on.
It is currently the year 2256, and now we only hear stories of how these things started. People have become followers of the pill movement as if the pill is some god that knows which emotions will give you a better life and which one will destroy it. Most people have put their full trust in the system and dare not defy it. Those who do defy the rules and decide not to take the pill by 16 years old end up thrown in prison, some even end up going missing. Most say it’s because the one emotion that was supposed to be taken drove them mad. I don’t know if I believe that.
I remember when I took my pill. When I was younger my mother had told me millions of stories of people who lived much better lives once they took their pill. I was also told stories of the opposite. My mother always taught me that the pill was a mercy. The pill was meant to simplify a person’s life—make it to where our own emotions don’t fight themselves. And the pill knows what it’s doing. It’s been around for many years. All kinks have been worked out and if it takes even a good emotion away, it’s for the good of our own life and it’s probably for a good reason.
That’s why I ended up taking my pill at the age of 10, as soon as it became available for me.
My father was never in the picture. It was always just me and mom. She was the one there with me that day.
“Adrian,” she whispered. “What emotion did it take?”
You’re only allowed to share this information with family or for legal purposes.
I blinked a couple of times, waiting for it to present itself. It only took a moment, but I saw it--felt it. I felt the way it drained from my body and then my mind went “LOVE” in bold letters. I couldn’t see it, but I felt it there and felt as it slipped away. And then after the emotion slipped away, the memory of it did as well.
What did love feel like?
I remember looking up at my mother and seeing her worried eyes. I felt cared for. I felt attachment. All normal things. But then when it came down to it, I felt that even though she knew me my whole life, we weren’t close enough for her to know such intimate details of my life. Why does she care what my emotion is?
“What emotion, Adrian?” She spoke again.
I sighed and muttered, “Love.”
I watched as my mother’s expression changed from confusion, to offense, to confusion again, then to defeat. “Well then. Now that that’s over. You need to get to sleep. School comes early.”
My mother wasn’t a hypocrite. She spoke about how we need to trust that the pill knows what it’s doing. With such an important emotion, I’m sure my mother was confused. Even I was confused about how one of the happiest emotions could be my worst one. But maybe one day it’ll make more sense.
Now I’m 18, about to graduate high school. I’ve lived without this emotion for 8 years and it’s not that huge of a deal.
“Adrian!” My best friend, Ricky rushes up to me, her dark brown hair bouncing along behind her. She falls in step beside me as we walk down the hallway, books in hand. “You’re never going to believe this!”
“You told her!” We both spin around, finding my other best friend rushing up to me. Josie is a redhead with big glasses that take up half her face. “You didn’t?” She glances at Ricky.
“I was just getting to it,” Ricky chuckles.
“I’m on pins and needles, guys,” I laugh.
“Okay, so—” Ricky continues, but Josie cuts her off.
“Geller found his soulmate last night! Ah!” Josie squeals.
Ricky glares at her, then looks back at me. “Yeah, he’s one of the jocks. Bryce—Brennan—no, Ben—”
“Blake Bossman,” Josie claps her hands excitedly.
Ricky sighs. “I swear, I am not coherent sometimes.”
I laugh. “You seem fine to me.”
She glares at me. “I know we need to trust the pill, but the emotion it took from me makes my life so much harder.”
I’m taken by surprise at the change of topic. We usually don’t bring up the pill outside of our families. “Oh…”
Josie shrugs, a smile on her lips. “I liked the one it took from me. I’m just glad it didn’t take away my excitement!”
Ricky looks at me. “It would be so much quieter around here.”
Josie shrugs. “Anyway, Blake Bossman and Hayden Geller. Doesn’t that sound like such a cute couple?”
Geller has been our friend since middle school. He’s gay and proud of it. However, Blake Bossman is the jock type that seems as straight as a line. Weird.
“I didn’t know Blake was gay,” I comment quietly.
“I don’t think Blake knew Blake was gay,” Ricky laughs.
“But it doesn’t bother him. They’re crazy for each other,” Josie speaks, smiling happily. “At the end of the game last night, Geller came out of the stands to talk to me.” Josie is a cheerleader. “Blake walked by and started talking to the girl next to me. Geller caught his eye and BAM!”
“They didn’t even touch?”
Josie shrugs. “They didn’t have to. Their souls connected.”
“That’s crazy,” I mumble.
Ricky grabs my shoulder and starts walking with me again, Josie following right behind. “I think he’s in the band room practicing before class, but I’m sure he wants to talk to you.”
We walked to the band room, Josie’s heels clicking in step behind us. As we walk into the room, my eyes immediately find Geller sitting next to the man in question. Blake Bossman.
“Geller!” Josie drawls.
I internally chastise her as we approach the boys, Geller’s head snapping in our direction. A large smile appears on his face. “Hello, ladies!”
“Geller,” we all acknowledge simultaneously.
He looks at me. “I’m sure they told you.”
I nod. “Yes, Josie was very excited about it.”
Geller nods in understanding, looking quite amused. Josie is almost always upbeat and chipper. None of us understand how she’s so happy all the time. But we have to assume it’s something to do with her pill. That’s why we don’t mention it.
“Well, this is Blake. I’m sure you two haven’t formally met,” he announces.
Blake looks at me, a small, crooked, and slightly awkward smile on his face. “Hey.”
I nod in his direction, then return my gaze to Geller. “I was told all the details, I think,” I speak bluntly as to try to shorten the conversation a bit. The idea of soulmates has made me a bit uncomfortable ever since I took my pill. Understandably so. But with Geller, it feels different. It feels like jealousy.
Geller laughs and looks at Blake, his eyes brightening.
My stomach drops and I clear my throat. “I have to get to first period.”
Geller turns back to me, pouting. “It’s the last week of school. I thought we were skipping our classes. You could totally hang out in the band room all day. The director doesn’t care at all.”
I quickly shake my head. “No, it’s alright.”
Ricky gives me a knowing look. “We have the same first period, so I’ll go with you.”
I nod, turning around and walking out of the band room.
We walk in silence for a few moments. “I could practically hear the gears turning in your head. It sounded tense, like something was about to blow up,” she jokes.
I look down at the floor. “For you to understand me, you’d have to know…”
“Your emotion?”
“Yup,” I pop my lips on the ‘p’, sighing sadly.
“It’s not a law, you know,” she mumbles.
“What?”
“Keeping emotions a secret. It’s not a law. It’s just a safety precaution,” she specifies. “You could always tell me, you know. You can trust me.”
I roll my eyes playfully. “That’s exactly what an untrustworthy person would say.”
I want to tell her, it’s not that I don’t trust her. It’s that I can’t. Trust goes right along with love and I don’t feel that. But I can't tell her that.
She laughs. “How did you feel when you saw Geller and Blake together?”
I shrug.
She sighs. “Soulmates are rare. I know you haven’t met yours yet—”
“I don’t have one,” I blurt out. “I’ve been 18 for 2 months.”
“There’s a chance that they’re younger than you.”
“There’s a higher chance that they don’t exist,” I sigh.
“So, that’s what you’re sad about then? The fact that you don’t have a soulmate? It’s inevitable for most of us not to have a soulmate, Adrian,” she explains. “I mean, Josie is almost 19. She’s given up on finding a soulmate. I’m the same age as you,” she trails off. “This is life.”
“I’m not upset that I don’t have a soulmate, okay?”
“Then what is it?”
“Seeing my best friend finding…love and being happy…overwhelmingly happy,” I pause for a moment, “and knowing it’s something I’ll never have.”
She nods, knowingly. “You’re jealous.”
“Don’t get me wrong,” I add. “I don’t want a soulmate.”
“But?”
We get to our first period classroom and I decide to lean against the wall outside. Ricky folds her arms in front of her, waiting for me to respond, a patient and soft look on her face.
“The idea is intriguing.”
“What idea?”
“They just look so happy. It makes me want that, you know?”
“You can have that,” she tries to reassure me.
I look up at her, raising an eyebrow.
She slowly unfolds her arms, letting them drop to her sides as a look of realization hits her face. “You said you can never be in love. Does that mean…”
Bingo. I can’t hold her gaze any longer, so I look away.
“Love is your emotion?” She speaks quietly. “How awful.”
My stomach flips with anxiety as I realize that she could spread this information. “Don’t say anything, please.”
She shakes her head. “I won’t. I told you, you could trust me.”
For the purpose of not having to explain myself, I decide to just nod and walk into the classroom without another word. I wish I could trust her, but it’s like my heart won’t let me.
I wish I knew what love felt like. I would give anything to feel it just once.
