Home Soon
Rue was probably having some kind of manic episode. Sheets strewn around, clothes around the floor. Locked door. She haden't been sleeping well since Jules went away. Anxiety? Mania? Ugh.
Not that Rue can't sleep, -because- Jules isn't here, she simply notices her mind relax around her in a way it really doesn't around other people. She's always had sleep issues, now she just wishes Jules were there. So this anxiety of longing was keeping her awake now. What was Jules thinking right now?
She tried to imagine Jules being with her. Her smile, laugh, her smile again. Her smile four times. Five. Six. Seven. Seeing Jules smile at her.... especially if they were close. Made her smile too.
However, her communication with Jules had been strained lately. She wished Jules would call. The obscurity and absurdity of existence just wants a hug. What was Jules doing? Was she okay? She could just call Jules, but having an active mental breakdown makes conversation a little difficult honestly. She wanted to cry in frustration, but nothing came out. She had cried several times however, which was new. Progress.
Starting in a breath and ending in a sigh, Rue was concentrating. Eyes closed. Relaxed lips. Not calm in the way that she was with Jules, but this was her own version of calmness. Slightly more removed than she preferred, but when you live without all the emotional stuff you were supposed to have already known, emotions were difficult. She was focusing on her relationship. The awkwardness she could clearly recognize now, but... with Rue being so flustered, could she ever...? Her mind flashes back to Jules, herself, Jules.
She wanted to breathe in, and with the force of herself that she has always wanted to be, to just say it. She wanted Jules to know, if it wasn't clear already. The uncertainty in their relationship was welcome of course, as this was the point she figured, but, this general vagueness had been driving her up the wall for some reason.
Jules, I am in love with you.
Aaaughhhh
She desperately tried not to need Jules, in the way that she knew she did. But, what did Jules think? She was scared to ask. Although she thought about asking her, over and over again. Repeating to herself, in conversation, how she could ask. What Jules would say, daydreaming, eyes still closed.
With the anxious energy in her mind greatly overpowering the exhaustion in her body, Rue pulled herself up from bed, throwing the sheets off her. She was pacing now, in the dark. Furrowed brow, hands intermittently touching her hair. STOP TOUCHING YOUR HAIR.
Ugh.
Is Rue what Jules would want? She looks at herself in the mirror.
Images flash in her mind of Jules, smiling at her. She imagines looking at herself, to see what Jules sees, and smiling. Shortlived a daydream, Rue returned to reality. Pacing. Flat expression. A false calmness that her body couldn't ignore, even if her mind forced itself to. She returns to her thoughts, pacing.
Is love always mutual? Did Jules love her this much too? Rue recognizing the regular crushing feeling in her chest. Had she hurt Jules? Flashes of Jules again.
The laptop, open with 20+ tabs, hundreds of screenshots, all directed, at Rue, proving to herself, that she deserved someone as amazing as Jules. She thought she did, sometimes. Even if she knew she had to become better as she was able, she knew... something was off. Rue could tell, with much more certainty where her issues were. She was secretly hoping, maybe she wouldn't have to do the rest alone. When Jules said this, she felt safe.
Of course Rue had been researching for days/weeks, in preparation for their upcoming reunion. They would be together again. Rue wanted to be better, for herself sure, but urgently, urgently, for Jules. Love is a great motivator.
Of course, Rue already had it all figured out. As soon as she was back with Jules, she could sleep, perhaps having her brain screwed on a little more. Then she knew they could talk. She knew this now.
Still, the insecurities float in her mind.
Rue wanted to know everything about Jules. Does Jules feel the same?
Well,
She'd see her tomorrow and find out.
