Scared
“What’s the scariest thing in the world?” She asked suddenly.
“What are you talking about?” I laughed nervously.
“I’m serious. What do you think the scariest thing is?” She repeated the question, turning to face me, demanding I answer her.
We were sitting on one of the towers of the bridge, holding hands, legs dangling above the running river. The cold gusts of wind were more forceful up here, and the gurgling and splashing of the water almost drowned out our voices. In the darkness, the murky water reflected the stars, making it a reverse sky. If we jumped, would we be falling up or down?
“That’s subjective.” I finally answered, reciprocating her probing gaze.
Her eyes were sunken but bright, deprived of emotions, a hint of curiosity and urging flashing through them. I smiled at her and continued.
“What’s scary for one person may not be scary for another. Take spiders for example, some people are deadly afraid of them while others are indifferent.”
“What’s the scariest for you?” She didn’t miss a beat and looked down, swinging her legs.
“That depends too. Once I would have said the unknown, but since I know I’m afraid of it, it’s not so scary anymore, but I’m still afraid of it.”
“Then what do you find the scariest right now?”
I fell silent in thought. What does it mean to be scared? Does a jump scare make me yelp? Sure. So, being scared is sudden. However, I am scared of the dark, but that’s more of a fear, a constant truth to me, not changing by the surrounding conditions. So, being scared is a long-term condition. Which is scarier, something sudden or something sustained?
“I’m most afraid of not being able to answer this question.” I spoke eventually.
“That’s a paradox.” She puffed up her cheeks, clearly unsatisfied with my answer.
“What’s the scariest thing for you?”
She hesitated. Not about her reply, but about letting go her own question. She seemed to decide in the end and her shoulders relaxed. Deep wrinkles appeared between her furrowed brows, her eyes darting around.
This high up the wind was blowing fast, flying her long dark hair around her head, giving her the distant resemblance of a Greek mythology heroine. I found the thought upsetting. I didn’t want to lose her and I wanted to protect her, from everything, keeping her by my side.
“I’m scared they take me away.” She got me out of my train of thoughts.
“They won’t” I snapped, “I won’t let them.”
She squeezed my hand and a faint smile appeared on her lips at last. I stared at her, delighting in her image, knowing that I was safe with her, always and forever, through space and time, ascending together, and nothing else mattered to me. She was my past, present and future, a whole spectrum of existence.
I sighed, taking in the sight. The lights of the city in the background were so small, as if they were stars as well, embracing her like negative space. All the stellar surroundings started to make me feel dizzy and the illumination grew brighter and more colourful, joined by red and blue flashes. Part of me welcomed the illumination, but another part of me missed the darkness.
She winced and looked at me pleading.
“Do you have any regrets?” She asked suddenly.
“I wish I had more time with you.”
She closed her eyes, dark lashes shading her already dark circles.
Noises started getting louder, breaking the serene atmosphere. I hated jangle and I started fidgeting.
“Now?” A soft smile spreading on her face, encouraging me.
I nodded and I closed my eyes too. I swung my legs one last time to feel the air beneath me and my heart was pounding with anticipation. My mind was clear and I could feel our fingers intertwined. She raised her arm, taking mine with the motion and we pushed ourselves with our other hands.
We were falling. Time slowed down but it was over in a second, wind rushing beside us, falling up or down, it didn’t matter anymore, it never did. The icy water shocked me, but we were still going fast, diving beneath or above, forward.
I took a deep breath and it stung, a foreign but welcome sensation in my lungs. Ultimately, I finally felt alive. Constellations swirled around me, flashing lights of every colour of the spectrum and even more, colours I’ve never seen before, experiencing them with closed eyes, smelling them and hearing the water rushing through. All my senses were overwhelmed in a way I’ve never experienced before; it was new and exciting, invigorating and calming me at the same time. Vivid darkness surrounded me, hugged me and caressed me and I was home. I was at peace, there was no more fear, nothing to be scared of, the word lost its meaning, I was afraid of nothing, that’s my answer, and I broke the paradox.
A bright light appeared abruptly, hurting my consciousness and I craved the peaceful darkness I was in moments ago. I don’t want to leave; I want to stay home. I cried and yelled and kicked and shouted and didn’t know how to form words, my only way of communication becoming screaming. Everything was unknown and scary again, an alien ambiance where I didn’t belong.
Voices cooed and babbled, a cacophony of noises so loud they hurt my mind. I wanted to go back.
Silent darkness returned at once, but I was too tired to comprehend. I lost track of everything and I had no strength left to care.
“Is he awake…?” A murmur struck my ears. I groaned, “He’s awake!” Someone yelled and it felt like lightning through my body.
I was aching and confused, my ears ringing. Where was I?
“Where am I?” I formed the words once again, remembering not long ago when I wasn’t able to.
“In a hospital.” An older voice sounded calming.
“Why?”
“Do you not remember…?”
Remember what? Something happened. I was with her. I was with her!
“Where is she?!” I opened my eyes and tried to sit but something held me back.
“Stay calm, you can’t get up just yet. Who’s she?”
“What do you mean who? She was with me!” I tried to explain franticly.
The balding man exchanged a look with a younger one, then slightly nodded.
“There was no one with you. You jumped alone.”
“No, she was with me, she’s always been with me, ever since I can remember, she was with me before!” I tried to explain.
I looked around, searching for her, long seconds passing as I surveyed the room I was laying in. White walls, white chairs, white lab coats… Eventually, I spotted a mop of dark hair flowing around a head with dark sunken eyes and a faint, reassuring smile.
