When In Tears

Do you remember when you were younger outside playing with your friends, running, jumping, spinning, just living life with no care for the outside world? Just complete and utter bliss that no one can take away that carefree feeling.

I love that feeling, the feeling that no matter what you do and no matter who you’re with you will always feel free to do whatever your heart takes you. I have only actually felt that feeling maybe less than a handful of times.

See my entire life I have been hurt by everyone who has ever claimed to care or even love me. Someone I have recently met once told me that isn’t love, that the many things that have happened to me are not what someone who claims to love you does.

Over the years I have blocked out and forgotten some if not most of the bad things that have happened to me. So I don’t remember much.

However I do remember the feelings I remember feeling hurt and out of place. Especially lonely. One thing for the last 4-5 years that has kept me going is by telling myself it will get better, it will get better.

Then it does get better for a short time then it goes back to being really bad. I know that life is not perfect, nothing is perfect. But when you’re like me and you only get a few hours to a day of good fortune what does that say?

I have had a lot of people tell me that if something bad is happening it is most likely because of me. And I just look in the mirror and I say “What is wrong with me?” Because I truly believe that there was something wrong with me.

For me people who would say nice things about me would also say some really hurtful things. And some of them Ik is true but some I know is not but the more I hear it the more I start to believe it.

It is even more hurtful when the people who says those hurtful things whatever they may be weather it is “You never amount to anything” or “the farthest you will ever get is a homeless shelter” or even as simple as calling you ugly and criticizing how you look or even calling you a failure for not exceeding their expectations.

Those things can hurt a hell of a lot. And the sad part is I am not the only one, I am just one of many who go through just as bad and if not worse than the treatment I get.

But you want to know what that is that makes us strong in many ways. Us constantly fighting the abuse we are receiving us having the strength not let it pull us down and drown us.

At that moment I constantly have to remind myself of everything I am because no one but me will ever tell me the amazing qualities I have.

And yes you might have a boyfriend or husband or even a best friend who tells you all the amazing things but you won’t fully believe them unless they are coming from your own heart.

See I don’t have anyone like that so I rely on myself to tell me all the amazing things I am and more.

It can be hard at times but one thing I have is Self Love and for me that is my main Motivation.

I can’t let the haters in my life try to control who or what I am. Only I can do that and I will everyday of my life for as long as i live i will forever be the bearer of my soul.

Throughout this book I will talk about some things that many people might not agree with but I’m sure there are those who will agree with me. Not everything I will write will be sad or depressing, it might be funny or happy, Silly or crazy. But one thing is that, for me it will be factual.

Now I have many people say I live in my books or a fantasy but that is ok because Ik my truth and I no longer want to hide from it.

Do you?