Dreaming Endlessly
Everyday I wake up from a nightmare. It’s not always the same one. They’re normally different every time. I use to write them down in my journals. But I ripped those up recently and threw them out. Hoping that it would make them go away.
It didn’t.
Now, all I can do is try to forget. No matter what I did before or am trying now, I can’t seem to. It’s like a curse. On any given day, watching something would help me but not now. Not these days. It seems like any role model I ever looked up to has turned out to be an awful person or end up dead. Very few are alive that I now barely trust ever since then. It gets harder for me to hope. To believe that I’m going to accomplish something in my life.
Because of high school and college, all I got was my issues boiling up. I’m afraid to leave the house. To do anything unless I know what I’m doing. I’m tired of people trying to convince me to do things. That’s why I live alone.
My thoughts were my only friends until they became my worst enemies. I don’t know what do anymore. I’m lost. Confused. My whole world’s spinning. The only thing I feel like I can do is kill myself.
I found myself sitting on my bed again. A daily routine for me. Thinking about my regrets. All the dumb things I’ve ever done. How my parents were ignorant and never taught me anything. They always tried to keep harsh truths from me. Because they treated me like a prince, I was never able to have a backbone. People stepped on me like I was an ant. I cry about it all. Holding my pillow as the only source of comfort. Of closeness. I named it Death because I know that’s the only companion who won’t lie to me.
My tears stained the sheets. My face is a mess. No doubt I have red eyes. I can feel the filthy mucus running. I wiped it off with my sleeve. It’s a nasty thing to do but with no one around I just don’t care. I don’t care about anything anymore. Laying in this bed is all I can do.
I shivered at the cold breeze. I found it odd. My windows and doors were always locked. Always bolted shut. Why would there be wind? Maybe something’s broken? I stood to take a look. Examining every window and door until I came across the closet. I slowly opened it. Revealing the chair inside that I always sit on whenever I want to talk to myself. I could do that everywhere, and I do, but I liked to do it here sometimes.
There was a knock at the front door. I whipped my head around. Curious about the noise. Did no one see the dark windows and inactivity? I hesitantly walked over. “Excuse me? Whoever’s there, I don’t want company. Leave me alone.” Silence filled the air. I wondered if the stranger had left or was waiting for me to open the door despite what I told them. I knew that everything was boarded up. I didn’t want to take off the boards. Even if I wanted to, I had lost my tools long ago. There was no possible way of opening the door. Yet, I felt a calling. Like something was telling me to do it.
I reached out. The doorknob was cold. Just like everything else. I slowly twisted the knob. An instant hit of wind flowed through. Snow canvased the land in front of me. I gasped. My home...My city...There’s never snow.
I slammed the door shut. Locking it before running upstairs. Hiding under the covers. I must be dreaming. It’s a nightmare. Another one. None of this is real. But I can hear the echoes of winter. Its call. Sending shivers up my spine. What should I do? Stay here forever? I’ve done that for a while now. I could keep doing it. The fact that there’s snow still alarms me. I can’t sleep now. Ironically, I want to do that. The only way I can is if I investigate. Figure out why winter is completely different than what it’s supposed to be.
I took a deep breath before opening my closet. All of my clothes were black. I loved the color. It soothed my heart. Any other color reminds me of discomfort. I don’t know why. It’s how I was born. I threw on my jacket, thicker jeans, boots, fingerless gloves, and a beanie. Unfortunately, I didn’t have anything to protect my fingers from the cold. I made a mental note to keep my hands in my pockets whenever I could to avoid frostbite. My heart was beating fast. My stomach churned. I took more deep breaths. Hoping to calm my nerves.
I had never done something like this before. Being brave. I always let people step on me. My parents always did everything for me. I was never taught to have a backbone. This experience...I wondered if this is how I’ll gain courage?
I opened the front door once again. Allowing the cold to enter my home which was no better than the temperature I was already living in. With each crunch of my footstep, I realized how alone I was. No one else was around. I use to find it as a blessing but nothing feels right anymore. I looked both ways. Finding nothing except for a tall grey building in the distance which was straight ahead. The place seemed abandoned the more closer I got to it. There was smoke in the sky. Coming from a fire made to keep the people there warm. To cook food. A few tents were sitting nearby the fire.
The tents were ripped apart. Items had been scattered on the ground. Either squashed or torn. Splatters of blood were around. I covered my mouth. Feeling the bile rise in my throat. My chest rose. Breathing heavily. I fell to my knees. The scene in front of me began to spin. Vomit spewed from my lips. Staining the white snow. Hot tears ran down my cheeks.
The world became nothing more than a black abyss.
