In 30 Minutes, Three Cousins Get a Reality Check

The following story will cause you to rethink the story ”9/11 Averted“. In that story, three cousins named Logan Dara, Dicky Michaelson, and Andrea Marshall Élan decided to prevent the September 11, 2001 attacks and their own deaths when the read about the attacks in a strange newspaper.

But here comes the kicker: What if Logan, Dicky, and Andrea chose to ignore the warning and allow the story to take its natural course?

Here’s the answer to that question.

September 11, 2001, when the attacks were happening...

“Holy fricking schmit! How the hell did that happen???” Logan cried out as he, Dicky, and Andrea watched two planes smash into the Twin Towers, destroying them.

“I don’t know, but didn't that newspaper say that this was going to happen?” said Andrea.

“What newspaper?” said Logan.

“The newspaper you threw away because you said it was full of crap,” said Dicky. “I told us that the attacks were going to happen for a reason. But no, you chose to throw it away and dismiss is as harmful gossip. Now look at us!”

When the Twin Towers came crashing down, the cousins found themselves running with the rest of the crowd as the disaster continued. But when they came face to face with Jabez Bozeman (who was hired to kill them), this shocking plot twist happened...

Jabez said, “I should have known you wouldn’t give up. Why can’t you just go away and die?”

“Because telling someone to “go away and die” is evil and completely unnecessary,” said Andrea. “Besides, don’t you have anything better to do than to go around hurting other people because you hate yourself?”

“What did you say?” Jabez yelled, but then he fell dead to the ground with a knife embedded in his throat. Logan said, “Wow, this is an interesting plot twist. Even though the Twin Towers were attacked and many people died, we’ve somehow managed to escape from our deaths.”

“Yeah,” said Dicky. “We must be very lucky indeed.”

Just then, an angry Sean Michael Rowes came to the scene. He was wielding a sword and a gun, as he had been fighting a group of men sent to kill the cousins. He said, “What the hell have you done?!”

“What?” said Logan.

“I gave you that that newspaper article for a reason,” Sean snapped as he glared at the cousins.

“What reason?” said Dicky.

“To stop this...” Here, Sean pointed to the Twin Towers (which was now a huge smoldering pile of glass and steel), “from happening! You could have saved hundreds of innocent lives, but no, you were too stupid to do that! You should have known I was trying to put an end to those attacks!”

“Well, sorry if we didn’t get the message,” said Andrea.

“Sorry isn’t going to cut it,” said Sean. “You ruined everything. You broke the rules. You sacrificed so many good people to satisfy your selfish pride. I can’t believe you guys!”

“So what do we do now?” said Logan.

“What we’re going to do is you’re all going to have to disappear from New York and never return,” said Sean. “Not to your families.”

“Really?” said Dicky. “Why not?”

“As soon as rumors start spreading that you guys knew of the attacks and refused to do anything about it, the people will be coming after you for not stopping the attacks,” said Sean. “President Bush won’t be too happy to hear your misdeeds. And I’m not even going to mention how upset Deirdre and Roger are going to be when they find out that you didn’t stop the attacks when you had the chance.”

“So we’ll have to die,” said Dicky.

“Yes,” said Sean. “You must die. But there’s a place in an abandoned section of New York called Elymnore. I don’t know where it is, but you’re going to have to stay there until we get everything sorted out.”

“Well, this sucks,” said Logan. “I thought we were trying to prevent our own deaths, but it turns out that the opposite happened. It’s no wonder why we Ainysians are getting such a bad rap nowadays.”

“You got it, bub,” said Sean. To Mobley, who stood next to him, he said, “Come on, Mobley, let’s get this over with. I’ve already got a huge mess to clean up and I don’t feel like doing it.”

Within a few hours, the newspapers were flooded with the news about the deaths of Logan, Dicky, and Andrea during the September 11th attacks. (Of course, Sean and Mobley had secretly disguised three mannequins as the cousins in question, but no one knew that.) As the Trichenberg family mourned the deaths of three of its members, Sean said to Mobley, “Well, we may have lost the Twin Towers and a part of the Pentagon, but we can still correct several other mistakes. Let’s see if we can persuade Deirdre to allow us to promote “The Frostfall” and use it to dethrone “Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone”, shall we?”

To make a long story short, “Frostfall” completely shut down Harry Potter (and erased all chances for the movie to have a sequel or even build a franchise), but the war on terror still went as planned, as no one is allowed to use terror on another country and get away with it.

“Such a shame,” Sean said as he sat on the deck of a huge mansion in Malibu, California and drank a large glass of champagne. Of course, Leslie Harlington (who ordered the death of the cousins) was lying dead at his feet. “It’s all because my cousins and I hated your precious homosexuality-promoting children’s book, am I right? But who cares, you’re dead. Now your father can finally get his hands on everything you have and remake that story. What a waste of a life.”

He thought about Logan, Dicky, and Andrea, who were forever forced to live in Elymnore as punishment for failing to prevent the September 11 attacks. But he knew that nothing would last forever, as he decided that Osama bin Laden would have to go.

But that was for a different story, as this story is now done.