Chapter 1
People change they want things when before they were satiated by the stuff of themselves inside someone else. Zeks had the feeling she wanted more.
She did not yell it out she just said we were not enough that children inside her cage were not enough for her. She had seen life she had seen more of it than she had been allowed. She asked for things in magazines where they appeared to have everything a nice costly home. A gauzy dress and some mink. She knew how to make minks she said but she would never do so again it worked. She hated work and that meant she did it constantly working and doing and doing until she had worn herself out.
Her father she said was old-fashioned he had banned her from reading magazines. Just looking at magazines was banned. She liked movies she said and that too was only once or twice a week in the day cinema where they were open and had drinks of coke and did a lot of networking. She loved that she said where was it now I asked,. She smiled it was all gone it was all over she said.
Her leg she said look at her leg and she machining day and night until the legs would have to go and she could not machine any longer. She said she did not ask for us she did not even ask to leave her town. She was made to come to London to help him. Her brother was not her brother but her husband.
She flushed got confused. My childhood self accepted this she was just talking adult stuff accepting me into the world she partly wanted but she did not want me. She did not want the responsibility of me.
I was not her only child she had two others. I worried. I constantly had to watch as her tears sometimes made her do things. She was not right in the mind her head was wonky.
The other parent too was wonky they both had wonky heads. So I went along inside some wonkiness and denied my childhood self. I did not destroy it just said I will go on swings and do childhood things when I was older. So I became wonky too.
How does one become grown-up when one chose not to? Well, life is hard there is hardness in life that makes one smart. Because life is there to take and when one has not much to give the hardness comes in.
Because living with a stone and she was stoic she had to behave but she was a stone. Her marble edges were such that they rubbed on me. So she denied her true nature to hide them from her family. I denied my childhood in order to be a caring person. I was not really cut out to be washing and ironing and doing the dinners and becoming the perfect soul mate. But I did.
One victim produces another victim and that is how life is. One vampire sucks the blood from another then there is a totally different vampire. What does it matter if the vampire did not want to become one?
One is hidden and does not cross the line from here to there because you will come a cropper. One is hiding and does not come here. One has to be in something like pain the painfulness of some things does not leave.
They just fester and grow like gangrene. They just smart at me as the days are hollow and long. The way of the flesh when hopes are broken promises not realized and the deals are not dealt with because other people are having a ball.
Because we must all enjoy and life is too short and come where is the girl where is the party where are the sins and what do we do to take from life what we dare not expect to. Let us all enjoy this life before we grow old. Life is a party let us pretty party.
Self-sacrificing creatures do not come because the pretty girls will always win. She shed a tear that Jane he was all over her the tears made him so unwell. I cried a tearful buckets rivers and he did not even see.
I cried and cried but he did nothing his hands were tied behind his arse. Well so on and so forth.
Now he is crying because she is looking so ill. And he is concerned for her his baby girl his wife. They got married in the sin city and added to films and literature and made out they human, Filthy bastard and his bitch.
When they are in the nude all the time. My ties are broken because I became a nerd. I became a nerd and ties were broke. You see life is unkind. It does not give when one gives up one's self for others there is no turning back.
That mother took my babyhood and selfhood and made a second copy of herself whom he detested. She took away his love for me. I am a copy now of her pain and the pangs will not leave me. He hated her and she saw that she saw and did it anyway. Because somehow she disliked my interfering in her life.
"I wanted to bring my children up the way I wanted to you interfered and now I am going to leave you something which will mark you."
"What mum?"
"Nothing."
"I thought you said something."
"No nothing a mere rumble of my stomach."
"It is nearly done the bread."
"Good a cuppa too will be nice."
Defeated I went and did everything asked for.
"There?"
"Biscuits too."
I went to the cupboard got some.
"Only the cheap ones "!
"Yes we ate the expensive ones."
The things we do for love and others. I sat down and said nothing I sat down and said nothing at all. I was in something like denial that I was no more the popular child I was a young woman who had to do to make herself sensed. I had lost all the time I had left and did not have any time but to become a servile maid. I was doing a unpaid job because it is family my love why should we pay you?
So that made me lose my self respect.
