Bad News
𝐍𝐚𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐞
This is it. The day I figure out what's wrong with me. It can't be that bad right? Yeah. It's probably nothing serious, probably just something that'll pass. No matter how many times I tell myself that I can't get rid of the feeling that something is seriously wrong with me. It's probably paranoia or nerves, right?
To distract myself from what's happening in two hours, I decide to go for a walk. Walking helps me clear my head and helps me think straight.
I get out of my bed when a wave a nausea and dizziness come over me. I stable myself on my nightstand. This seems to happen very often. I stand there until the dizziness and nausea floats away.
I hear footsteps running towards my room and a little girl barges in. Her smile was so big it light up the whole room. I smile softly at her and says,
"Hey Kinsley girl," she hugs me and I hug her back. She's so small compared to me it's adorable.
"Natalie! Guess what!" She says and I pick her up and carry her to my bed. She giggles and I smile. After I sit down next to her I ask,
"What?" She had just gotten back from school. I didn't go because I had a migraine and I was throwing up a lot last night. She pulls a paper out of her bookbag and she hands it to me. It looks like a test and I see an "A+" written on it. A smile crawls onto my face and I put the paper down and pick Kinsley up.
"You did that? You got a perfect grade?" I ask her and she nods happily. I kiss her forehead and the smile stays on my face, "Yeah! That's my sister! Great job, Kinsley!" I say and ruffle her hair and she laughs. I put her down and sit down again.
*
It's time. It's time so see what's wrong with me. I take a deep breath and I wait for my mom in the car. I wanted to drive but she wouldn't let it go until I agreed to let her drive.
I finally see mom coming out of the house and she hops into the front seat. I give her a look saying 'what took so long?' She obviously knows that look. She sighs and buckles herself, "Valerie was being a brat and she wouldn't clam down. She's finally asleep now and Kinsley wanted to show me something," she says and I nod.
I'm the oldest out of three girls, Kinsley is ten years old and Valerie is three years old. I love my siblings but they can be brats and a handful, especially Valerie. Don't get me started on her, for a three year old, she already has the attitude of a teenager. She throws fits over the smallest things. I'm also the only one who can actually clam her down for good.
My mom starts the car and we're on the road. 𝑻𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒊𝒔 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚 𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒆𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈. I say to myself. I'm nervous and excited to find out what's wrong with me. I'm worried it'll be something life threatening. 𝑵𝒐. 𝑷𝒐𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒗𝒕𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒕𝒔, 𝑵𝒂𝒕𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒆. I mentally scold myself for thinking the wrost. Now is not the time to be a pessimist.
To try and tame my overactive mind I play some music and put in my ear phones in.
~𝑩𝒖𝒕 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒏𝒂 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒍 𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒆𝒎𝒐𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏~
~𝑩𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒂𝒄𝒉𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏 𝑰'𝒎 𝒉𝒐𝒍𝒅𝒊𝒏𝒈~
~𝑩𝒖𝒕 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒏𝒐𝒘 , 𝑰'𝒎 𝒐𝒏𝒍𝒚 𝒑𝒆𝒐𝒑𝒍𝒆 𝒘𝒂𝒕𝒄𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈.~
These lyrics I can really relate to. I'm scared of love but I also crave it and I want it. Conan Gray does a good job of conveying that through his songs, which is why I love him so much. He writes songs that people can actually relate to and he's just a really genuine person.
*
About fifteen minutes later we arrive in at the doctor's. When I look up from my phone I see that my mom is already getting out of the car. I take a deep breath and put my ear phones in my front pocket and my phone in my back pocket. I get out of the door and slowly walk towards the door of the worst place I've ever been too.
"It's okay honey. I'm sure there's nothing wrong with you," my mom says and she pulls me into a side hug and I nod. I walk the rest of the way to the door and walk in and I feel eyes looking at me as I walk in.
My mom is at the front desk doing whatever she needs to do while I sit on one of the chairs. Right now I wish Sara was here. She could help keep my clam. Sara is my best friend. I've known her since I was five years old and ever since we've been best friends.
I close my eyes to clam my mind and I suddenly get a throbbing headache and immense pain in my body. It takes everything in me to stop from letting out a wince or a groan. It feels like someone is hammering my head and my body feels paralyzed. It hurts to open my eyes and it hurts to breathe. Even though it hurts so much to breathe, I take deep breaths and try to stop the pain to where it's at least tolerable. This has happened a lot in the past week. What's happening to me? What if something really bad 𝑖𝑠 wrong with me?
I hear footsteps coming to where I'm sitting and the person sits next to me. I already know it's my mom but I still can't seem to open my eyes. It hurts to much.
"Natalie? Natalie!" My mom calls and I can feel that's she looking at me. It sounds like she's been calling my name for a little now. I can't seem to focus on anything. My mind is scrambled and my hearing is muffled. I try to talk but all that comes out is gasps.
"Natalie honey, talk to me. Open your eyes please." My mom says softly and I try to open my eyes but all I feel is pain. I let out a groan. I hear footsteps of people all around me trying to get me to open my eyes or talk but I can't. It's like I'm paralyzed but I can still hear everything. What's happening? The next thing I remember is everything going black.
I wake up and I can finally open my eyes, even though it's so hard to do. There are blurry spots but I can make out the shadows. I see my mom sitting beside me with a concerned look on her face and I see her eyes are red rimmed. My head is still pounding but I can handle it. The blurry spots in my eyes are finally going away and I look around at my surroundings. 𝐴 ℎ𝑜𝑠𝑝𝑖𝑡𝑎𝑙. I'm at a hospital? What happened to me? I see my mom smile a bit and she looked at me. I see all the worry leave her face and she walks towards me.
"Natalie. You're awake," she says and holds my hand gently.
"Yeah, what happened?" I say and my voice comes out all raspy and my throat is dry. I cringe.
"You couldn't move or talk or anything. I tried calling your names multiple times but it was like you were paralyzed in your body. Next thing I know, your eyes rolled back in your head and you were unconscious. I drove here as fast as I could and now we're here." She says and I see her eyes get watery. 𝑀𝑦 𝑡𝑒𝑠𝑡 𝑟𝑒𝑠𝑢𝑙𝑡𝑠. I thought myself. Did they come back?
"My test results— did they come back?" I say and I look at my mom and her face changes at the mention. It must not be good then. She opened to say something when a doctor came into the room.
"Hello, I'm doctor Hannah and I came here to ask you some questions and to give you your test results." I gulp and nod. I was so nervous and I tired hard not to show it.
Doctor Hannah had a clip board in her hand and she was writing something down.
"Do you remember anything that happened in the last hour?" She asks me and I nod.
"I remember me and my mom driving to the doctor's to see my test results and I remember that I got a headache that was pretty severe and it wouldn't go away. I remember that my body hurt and it was like I couldn't move. Next thing I know is that I'm here." Doctor Hannah nods and she writes more stuff down on her clipboard.
"How long has this been going on?" I sigh and I try to think back when everything started happening. I was sixteen and I started getting headaches and I threw up almost every day. My mom thought I was sick I stayed home from school. Then it got worse, I started getting dizziness and I was tired more often. It didn't stop and it was getting worse. The first time this exact thing happened was when I was at basketball practice. The coach called home and that's when my mom got me tested.
"Everything started when I was sixteen but this exact thing happened a few days before I turned seventeen. I was at basketball practice and my body was in immense pain and I had a horrible headache. I told my coach and she called my mom and it's happened a lot since then. That's why I got tested to see what's wrong with me." I say and Hannah nods. I look over at my mom for reassurance and she squeezes my hand. I wish Sara was here.
"Do you have any pain right now?" Hannah asks me and I nod. My head hurts, my chest hurts, everything hurts. Hannah nods and she writes stuff down. "What would you say your pain level is on a scale of one to ten?" I think about it. My pain is nothing less than five but nothing more than an eight. "Right now it's a seven in a half," I say. I want this to be over with already. "Alright, the doctor to discuss your test results will be here shortly. Rest up and feel better" Hannah says and she leaves the room.
I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding in.
"You did so well hon, I'm proud of you," my mom says and I say a quiet thanks. "Get some rest Natalie. I'll wake you up with the doctor is here." My mom says to me and I nod. I let my eyes close and in a few minutes I'm off in dreamland.
*
"Natalie. Wake up honey, Doctor Lily is here," my mom says. I groan and open my eyes just a bit. I don't want to get up. I open my eyes fully and look at my doctor Lily. She's beautiful, her hair is a pretty strawberry blonde color and her eyes are a pretty blue color. I've seen her before but probably only once or twice. Lily looks at me and she smiles a little at me. I sit up and run my hand through my hair to try to comb some of the knots out of it.
"Hello Natalie. My name is doctor Lily and I have your test results," Doctor Lily says and I nod. I suddenly more nervous than I have ever been. I want to know but I also know. I don't want it to be bad news, but from everything's that's happened to me there's no denying that it is. "O-okay. I'm ready to here it." I say. It's not the full truth but what's one little white lie? Lily nods and she has a look of sympathy on her face.
"You have cancer," she says. "And it's slowly spreading throughout your body."
*
