Chapter 1
Here it is. What is going to happen to me to my family to the people who depended on my winning? I am not winning it is a lost cause I always knew that it was.
Where does one end in the end?
"Before death?"
"Before old age?"
"Before it is too late?"
"Well one ends in a no one's land?"
"Or the man in the moon becomes the lacklustre fool a buffoon whom one can recognise no longer, Look the man who had brilliance now is a drunk."
"Too much champagne from shoes." Ha ha.
There was not much for me in the beginning but now that this has happened. What has happened? Well mother has died and left me with a derelict house. She passed on the work for me to do. Knowing that the others would come and take from me. My sisters thought they owned the house. My siblings blocked from the house the home of theirs they thought a cinch. Then what did it mean I in the house put and with the whole key to myself?
"You lot go to your own homes."
"We want yours as well."
"Go home."
" Mother said."
"She would not true nothing that mother had told us was true."
"She was a most truthful woman."
"Well go and visit her grave and pray."
"We always do."
My mother said you will never be happy with him.
My needs would never be met. She told me as if the softly softly effort had made her ill with it and she gave up on me. On the total situation.
"He will leave you the moment you give in."
Ill wind blew hot through me. That the wind of change I expected never happened.
That the things which did not mean anything now seem to be the beginning of the end. I had the story told that to be a woman a wife one must know one must know before the battle commences. She came and fetched him he had a appointment. He had to go with her they were coupling as she held him near her. My world crumbled.
Want not give nothing I stood in grim silence lost on them. They just seem unaware of the facts. Me had become invisible. The grim silence the grim thoughts did not matter anymore only her bottom and his did.
He did not even oppose the move as if the whole thing happened natural like. What a idea? Nature took its cause and that made me impotent. Doughnut and then what did it matter I was a doughnut. The opposition immediately won. Unfortunately men are bullies we end up wanting to kill them.
I am not going into specifics no he is not dead still alive.
Look at how many wives have killed their husbands and their families coming and speaking up for these women? The new crime of passion I think. A man is a bully the wife kills him gets sentenced and the family thankfully speak up for the good woman. She had cause.
I seem to be invisible.
Sometimes when I am invisible people ignore me as if I do not matter at all. They speak say things in front of me speaking their minds their thoughts as if I do not understand do not know. When that happened between him and I it meant he said his slippers were on fire for someone else.
Middle class snobbery is such a lot to contend with. They all took the side of the angels. How hard they worked and they had to have the lottery as well as the sty. So they wallowed and wolfed it down.
Once he came down to heel and told me what he had been up to in his spare time. Lately he had a lot of spare time. His life revolved round and round telling me what he needed. What he liked and should I not come to terms with the facts ? He liked woman with make up and blue eyes? My eyes being olive put him off.
I could have cried but did not stood tall and let him go. Pride is hard and life is harsh.
I wanted to take a hammer and hammer him but seeing that on television there was a hammer house of horrors it made me think differently. I chose to ignore him,. Perils add to that the family made me think twice about giving in to such a half hearted man. He did not have the guts to fight for me or even to see who I was so he had to become someone else's..
Because he had ignored me. So we did not take off. We withdrew from the flight. His woman became his wife and that made sense. They got on famously.
What did it matter when he said he had drunk champagne from the shoes of the woman. That woman who became such a drag a show piece. The woman no other woman would do for him? Slippers did not mean anything for some time he had this fantasy and he did it in the end.
He drunk from a shoe. A nice stiletto and he told me about this? Of course he said why did not I wear such a shoe and do the same thing? I was broke and not had healthy feet. I was smelly or my slippers were. That it mattered to me to us is important.
Because he always had this fetish about shoes. It began when in Cyprus. I could not wear them. I got a stiletto and then it meant I could not wear it hurt me.
It hurt the very me who was stranded in there. People come and take whatever they like from me. He too he is a gentleman he said to me if you love me fight for me. I thought about a couple of fishwives fighting over the groceries or arguing about this and that.
I rolled my fists to fight when she came and took him out. Well sure thing she was thorough and I was nothing no one invisible. He allowed it to happen. So he wanted her more than I? So what had happened I was told to fight and the fight was rigged. Because he already sold on that woman.
I have no needs and not much as if my head is a empty shell.
What does a woman now own?
"Herself?"
"Her friends?"
"Her family."
"When the things which deny me entrance to the world of the make believe." The thoughtlessness the empty headedness of behaving like you did? Had sighed my mum and she did mean it. Sheer rage enfolded her. What for? I had not done anything but she knew I had and made up her mind about this.
My insides hurt life became to be a burden. The parents did not help me. Like it or not they might have been the cause the cost to us was immense.
His sense left him.
"What money do you have?"
"Some it is not enough as everything is about that."
"What else do you want?"
"Nothing."
"Well this is what makes this a house not a home."
"Look at it."
"Mummy had no sense or taste."
"Well what can we do?"
The romance of it was lost on me. The romance of rebuilding a house which we had lived in for thirty odd years and coming down to the bottom of the barrel.
" Who was your builder? "
"My dad."
He robbed us blind." Had said mum and dad.
"This is a odd shaped house." Sighed the man carting off rubbish.
"Odd?"
"Yes it is odd and not the best looking thing a architect would do."
"Well the thing was he came cheap."
"Looks it."
"This house is a empty headed one."
"How dare you call the house a empty head?"
"Well it is."
"Freedom is what we do here."
"Live free in the house." Called my sister. As she banged away at the steps and said nothing grim and sweaty and did not even speak about the extra work. She just got on with it. The job in hand like we all had to. Being that poor? No not she just vengeful.
