Library
“I am armed with sarcasm and a truck-load of adjectives; so don’t mess with me!” Camilla loudly whispered at Andrew, trying hard to control the tone of her voice as not to disturb the other students in the library. She was gripping her pen with both hands and it seemed like it would snap in two at any minute because of the intensity of the aggravation she was trying to suppress. She felt that a good amount of blood rushed up to her cheeks as she glared at the bothersome guy who just imperturbably went out of his way to annoy her like he always does.
Camilla knows that she should have gotten used to his nonchalant high jinx by now after two months of habitually being bugged by him, but she just gets more and more irritated by him every day especially when she has always liked him since the very first time he struck her with his remarkable almost too perfect face. Every day, at exactly two-thirty in the afternoon, she would sit on that same spot in the library with her homework, and then five minutes (up to ten minutes max) later Andrew would come with his mischievous no-fail cracks to annoy her.
“Ok, ok… I’m sorry…” Andrew said, holding in a snicker. The adorable smile on his face made Camilla blush even more. He threw his hands in the air to signal defeat as he slowly took a seat on the spot beside her. He reached for Camilla’s tensed hands and gently lowered them to rest on the table.
Camilla felt her heartbeat double-time as she found herself becoming tranquil just by the feel of his touch. Every scrap of frustration she felt earlier quickly vanished until all that was left was that appalling pounding on her chest. She felt the air of his breath as he leaned closer to her to investigate what she had finished on her notes so far which made her heart jump an inch out of place.
“You’re writing a review on Shakespeare’s plays? Wow, you’re a geek.”
She felt embarrassed but she really couldn’t take it as anything else but a compliment. She smirked as she pulled away from her notes and put them inside her bag.
“I’m just preparing for my dream of becoming a great writer someday.” She threw him a smug look and Andrew just scoffed.
“Well, good luck with that, Miss Sleepyhead.”
Camilla felt something block her throat when she thought of a rhetorical reply to his remark. In the end, no matter how sarcastic or annoyed she was feeling, she couldn’t get herself to say it.
Camilla always disliked losing cope on anything next to her revulsion to trailing behind in an argument. She detested not being able to take full charge of the things she does and the things she feels, but being with Andrew, it was as if there was something else inside her trying to take control of her. Something inside her was able to overthrow the power of her obsessive-compulsive nature and she was not particularly pleased about it.
She could just not come to the library at the same time every day. She could simply sit at a different spot. She could just ultimately change her entire routine. She could just completely skip coming to the library altogether to avoid Andrew and his shenanigans, but she just couldn’t get herself to do so. It occurred to Camilla that though she finds him exasperating at times, he still provided the only highlight of her boring college life. Thus, she allowed herself to be annoyed and at the same time entertained by the unusual friendship they share only inside that library from last period till five.
“Will I see you again tomorrow, Camilla?”
Andrew would ask her that every day when it was time for her to go, and every time, he would have a serious look on his face which made Camilla want to stay a little longer if only she could.
“Maybe...” is the only answer Camilla could give him, but uncertain as her reply is every time, Andrew would smile sweetly with so much hope that they will see each other again. That simple gentle gesture was enough to make Camilla anticipate coming back to that library the next day and, as she secretly hopes, for more days to come.
As more and more days passed, Camilla slowly felt that her feelings for Andrew could no longer be kept. She feared that the relationship between them might change if she ever told him what her heart was trying to convey, but she dreaded that if she doesn’t take the chance to let him know, she’ll never be able to say it. She is certain that Andrew would, in any case, drift away from her, that’s why she has decided that she will let him know her feelings before anything else.
It would be really easy if they were in a different situation, but the dilemma that they are in is much too complicated. They have started that “friendship” just for the sake of being with a companion. She was lonely. He was lonely. Two lonely people who are afraid of losing sanity, just like all the other lonely people around them.
She needed someone to comfort her. She needed someone to help her forget about her boredom while she waits for the clock to start ticking again. Who would have ever thought that such feelings could develop inside her?
And he needed her…
Someone to talk to, someone to laugh with, someone to make him feel that he isn’t at all invisible while he existed in that stationary box in the middle of the constantly moving world.
That’s all she is for Andrew--- and maybe that is all she’ll ever be.
Hush…
The golden rule inside that library.
Hush…
Everyone ignored her existence while they indulged in their own private worlds.
Silent.
Unnoticed.
She existed in a world that wouldn’t acknowledge her.
Except for Andrew.
“I love you.”
“What?”
“I’m in love with you, Andrew.”
With a screaming heart, she watched as the bright smile slowly vanished from Andrew’s gentle face.
“I’m sorry, Camilla.”
And with that it was goodbye…
“I’m sorry, Camilla.”
Sorry…
A word that is so simple, so plain, yet so deep. What does it really mean to feel sorry? Is it that nagging feeling of lament over something you lost? Is it the enormous regret for letting things happen when you know you could have just avoided it? Is it that intense pain stabbing your heart as you walk away from the most important thing you could have possibly had? Is it the same thing as acknowledging the guilt of leaving and at the same time losing? Is it inflicting pain on someone while receiving twice the blow? Or is it the frustration of knowing, but not knowing what to do?
If it is, then that was exactly what Andrew was feeling.
Andrew turned and walked away feeling terrible pain in his chest. Each step felt so heavy. His mind kept repeating his own words.
“I’m sorry.”
Feeling sorry…
So sorry…
He turned back only to find Camilla still watching him. There was not even a bit of anger to taint her tender angelic face. She just looked at him with her gentle eyes, a small calm smile on her lips. It was as if she was telling him not to worry. Don’t be sorry.
It’s unfair, isn’t it? Being the one who rejected but feeling the most regret?
He wished she would not look at him that way. He hoped she would just be angry. It was his entire fault, to begin with! If only he left her alone, there wouldn’t have been broken hearts and there wouldn’t have been a reason to say sorry.
“Will I see you again tomorrow, Camilla?”
The way her face brightened up sent trillions of tiny needles to prick his heart.
“Maybe.”
Unlike all the other times, he couldn’t force himself to smile. It was as if from the depths of his soul he knew, it’s not “maybe” but most probably “maybe not”.
The world outside his box goes on moving.
The clock will soon resume its ticking.
When the clock’s face changes, will he ever see Camilla again?
Maybe not.
It has always been “maybe not.” There had never been an assurance of how long he could keep Camilla inside that box with him. That’s the reason why there were no promises.
But which would be a greater regret?
He felt his own feet move. An invisible force pulled him to get closer to Camilla’s sweet smile. He slowly reached out his hand to touch Camilla’s cheek and he felt a warm tear fall on it from her eye.
Hush…
There was no need for words.
In that library, where silence is the only language spoken and understood by everyone, two hearts feed on sorry.
Sorry for they know everything will soon end…
Sorry for the future that will never come…
“Can I help you?”
Camilla could only give the old man she had purposely disturbed while he was silently mourning a shy smile.
“My name is Camilla. I knew your son, Andrew.”
The old man watched as the girl who was burnt all over her arms and legs knelt down on the grass and softly touched his son’s gravestone. He’d never met her before but it was like she had been so close to Andrew.
“Were you in that library when it caught fire?”
Camilla nodded.
“I was saved but was comatose for months---”
When the girl raised her head to look at the man, he saw tears flowing endlessly from her eyes. He felt an indescribable chill run through his spine when she continued…
“And that's when I met your son…”
