Another Usual Day
Considering my circumstances ...
I don't think I could've done anything better than what I did when I did.
It was a long journey of looking forward to something unknown and unrealistic that I had in mind to give me a spiritual strength as the time and life flowed down an endless river ...
Once it all came to end however;
My moralities and my way of thinking was altered. Because I realized
everything we wish for isn't everything we get in the end.
True love only exists in our fantasies.
And things are much different in reality than what they look like from a distance.
But...
Even when I can clearly see a visible improvement and positive change in my current life,
somehow I'm unable to believe in it.
I can't trust the present anymore because of what went on in my past.
I remember trusting my present madly which is now in the past and there's no doubt my trust was shattered into a million pieces like a fine piece of glass.
At that time it was certainly all I had
there's no doubt about that either ...
The fact that I was clueless about the very path I was on; believing it was leading me to light while the only thing I found after years was a dead end.
Four years is not a small duration of time and even if I'm one year ahead of it all
the trauma won't disappear no matter how hard I try...
"It's awfully peaceful around here... isn't it Zen?", I whispered as I looked at my sleeping cat while we sat on the grass under a tree with light blowing breeze.
He slightly moved his tail as a response as if to assure me that he's listening.
I brushed my hand through his shiny orange fur while I stared at the afternoon sky with beautiful white clouds that were slowly moving towards the south.
"Yes...
I wish I had a human companion...
but humans lost their humanity long ago." Talking to myself, I sighed, and laid down with my face towards the open sky. "The sky of freedom", I slowly closed my eyes not realizing when I fell asleep.
And things are much different in reality than what they look like from a distance.
But...
Even when I can clearly see a visible improvement and positive change in my current life,
somehow I'm unable to believe in it.
I can't trust the present anymore because of what went on in my past.
I remember trusting my present madly which is now in the past and there's no doubt my trust was shattered into a million pieces like a fine piece of glass.
At that time it was certainly all I had
there's no doubt about that either ...
The fact that I was clueless about the very path I was on; believing it was leading me to light while the only thing I found after years was a dead end.
Four years is not a small duration of time and even if I'm one year ahead of it all
the trauma won't disappear no matter how hard I try...
"It's awfully peaceful around here... isn't it Zen?", I whispered as I looked at my sleeping cat while we sat on the grass under a tree with light blowing breeze.
He slightly moved his tail as a response as if to assure me that he's listening.
I brushed my hand through his shiny orange fur while I stared at the afternoon sky with beautiful white clouds that were slowly moving towards the south.
"Yes...
I wish I had a human companion...
but humans lost their humanity long ago." Talking to myself, I sighed, and laid down with my face towards the open sky. "The sky of freedom", I slowly closed my eyes not realizing when I fell asleep.
I saw the strangest dream that day...
It was like, I was standing in an open vacuum... I couldn't see anything, not because everything was dark, but because everything was white.
And then, I heard a strange voice ask me...
"I thought you were okay with having a cat. But if you prefer something else-"
I didn't wanna hear the other half of the sentence...
Zen was the only thing I had; I could never lose him. With that, my eyes opened and I grabbed Zen tight. "NO! I LOVE YOU ZEN DON'T LEAVE ME!", I screamed unintentionally. For a moment I didn't realize I was holding the poor thing too tight and he almost fainted. "OH MY GOD! ZEN I'M SO SORRY ARE YOU OKAY!?", I pulled him away from my tight hug as I he looked straight into my eyes with that particular grumpy expression of his, almost like he was telling me to shut up cuz I was being too loud in the middle of nowhere.
It was embarrassing because as a cat, Zen seemed to act more like a boss. I'm sure most cat owners can relate to that.
I hugged him back.
"Dear Boss, I need you and only you! Don't ever leave you hear me!"
He slightly licked the bottom of my ear. It was ticklish but it felt like a peck of assurance yet again as if he was listening.
"Thank you", I took a deep breath with him in my arms.
