The Thing I Didn’t Do

The office is cold and dreary, and the chair is quite uncomfortable. But I have to be here if I want to keep my job, "psychiatric evaluation" they called it. Stupidest thing I've ever heard. I have no problems, and the memory had already left my mind before I was recommended this by my supervisor. "It will help clear your head" he said, and " therapy worked wonders for me after my divorce". I just need to get through one session, get a stamp, and continue the job that I am not so sure is worth 1 hour of " spilling my guts" and "letting my feelings out ". I've only ever had 1 therapy session before, in 10th grade after my cat died I was recommended to see the school counselor. I hated the stupid cat more than anything, always scratched me and my brother, Jake. He agrees this is a waste of time, this is why I am closest to him. We usually see eye to eye on these things. "Jonah Miller!" I raise my hand. "Doctor Jones is ready for you!" I walk past the other people waiting for their "inner problems" to be solved. I don't know anything about therapy. I walk into doctor Jason Jones's office, I wonder if people call him JJ. The office is warmer than the waiting area, and the chair is padded, not plastic. "Hello Jonah, come on in have a seat." I'm already uncomfortable. "Yeah sure so, do I lay down or..". "No you don't have to, but if it makes you more comfortable-" "No that's okay, I can sit." I'm very tense, and I think he notices this immediately. "Hey it's okay, just pretend were two old pals just complaining about girl trouble." In 14 words he somehow made me more uncomfortable than when I went to my first school dance, alone. "So, Jonah I just want to ask you a few questions before I can stamp this paper and you can get out of here ASAP." I really need to get better at hiding my facial expressions or this is going to be a long hour. "So, Jonah have you had any trouble connecting with other people or have you had trouble leaving your house in the last month?" What even is this question? "No I am not the woman in the window, and I have friends at the coroner's office." That is partly a lie, I have only talked to my coworker Rajah a few times, and I have made eye contact with my co worker Nina a few times. Both of those barely even qualify as a "buddy". "Good. That's good, so have you been drinking more than usual or have you been taking any type of medications?" This is the worst thing I have ever done, I can't help but look down on people who think this will ever help them, especially people that pay for it. I'll just say something that will get him off my back, and make him stamp the papers. "No, but I have been having trouble sleeping lately with all of the...things that have been going on lately." He stares at me for a couple seconds, like I'll start breaking down and he can mark me down as "unfit" and then I really will be Anna Fox. "How about this Jonah, I want you to start taking Zzz-quil before you go to bed every night, to help you sleep." I guess it could be worse, he could ask me to- "And I want you to see me every week, Ill stamp your papers but only if you agree to these terms." This literally could not get any worse. "Yeah okay I can..come in on Tuesday?" Roy, my supervisor, said I should work overtime on Tuesday. This may get me out of it since he thinks therapy is so d*** helpful. "That'll work, Jonah, and hey grab my card on that way out. You can call me anytime."

I have no interest in calling him. It's a good thing I didn't give him my number, I won't come Tuesday and I don't need him calling me asking why I didn't come in, or if I'm okay. I am okay. I always have been. And at this point it is getting annoying how many people ask me the same d*** question. "Are you okay?" Of course I am. Stop reminding me of things I really don't want to remember. She left. They both left. And I accept that. My phone buzzes, people eye me as I walk along the street. Did I give them my number? "Hello?"

"Hey brother." Its Jake. "Hey, whats up?" I imagine him saying the sky. "The ceiling." I think he is indoors. "Uh-huh, but seriously why'd you call?" "I was just wondering how the session went." Oh, I was wrong, I guess he does ca- "Ha! I'm just joking, so what did he diagnose you with agoraphobia." "No but he prescribed me a medication, maybe I'll become an addict." He snickers "That's- That's not even remotely funny. But what is it, I can pick it up later today." "Uh, Zzz-quil, I think you can pick it up at CVS." This worries me, whenever our mom sent Jake out for Chlorpromazine he always came back with Xanax, and she always took it. "Okay, I can bring it by around 6:00." "Alright, bye." He hangs up. And I began walking up my driveway. I don't have to go into to work today. Roy said to take a personal day. There have been a lot of those in the last three months. I'm not complaining. Playing rocket league beats dealing with dead bodies, and filing the same reports over and over. It was an OD, it was a murder, and the most common of them all, it was cancer. Of course it is more complicated than that, but I like to think it's that easy. Because in some way, it is. My phone dings, it's a text from Rajah. A 15 year old was brought to the morgue, and Nina asked if I was single. I ignore it. Don't get mad at me, I like Nina and all but I'm not ready. Not yet.

A knock at the door, it's almost 7:00. He's late. I open it, expecting to find him there with a bag in hand. Instead, he pulls out of the driveway, and speeds away. There is a bag on the welcome mat, I pick it up and my phone buzzes. It's from Jake. "Sorry man, there's something going on downtown. I'll make it up to you." He won't, but I don't care. I got what I needed, I guess. I lay down on the couch and turn on the TV. I go to the sports channel that is showing an old baseball rerun. I find the sport very boring, but it might just be boring enough to help me get some sleep. I take double the dose the bottle recommends. I haven't slept well in over 3 months, you can't blame me. I lay down, and cover myself in the blanket we shared. I remember watching the After movies and laughing at all the bad parts. This medicine should work. Better yet, maybe Jake dosed it with Xanax.

I wake up to find my shirt is gone, and the blanket also seems to be missing. I have a massive headache. What is that called, again? She used to have them all the time. Oh right, a migraine. That's what I get for taking double the recommended dose. I don't recall taking my shirt off, or sleeping on the floor. And where is my blanket? Our blanket. What is that sound, it sounds familiar. It's the washing machine. Did I do laundry last night? I can't remember a single thing. I feel like I'm in a hangover movie, Mike Tyson anyone? I walk up the stairs, eager to get my shirt and the blanket back. I open the door to the laundry room, and as I said the washing machine is running. It's on the spin cycle and I can see the blanket along with- what is that? I pause the cycle, why does it smell so rancid? I open the door and my feet are immediately covered in blood.

It spreads all across the floor, and it spills all over my pants and feet. I slip and put my hand behind my head, to avoid the impact. I slam the door shut as if it will keep the blood from getting out. Something slaps on the floor, I get a look at it. It's an arm, it's nails are painted pink. I began wheezing, and fall to my knees. My pants are now stained in blood. Time has stopped. It's just me and the arm on the floor, the nail polish gleams in the light. I hear my phone start ringing in my bedroom, it gets time running again. I try to get up, but I slip again. This time I couldn't save myself from the impact. As I look up, I can see it in the washer. The blanket. Our blanket. Stained in blood, and I just can't hold it in anymore. I back out of the door, and trip. My back slams into the railing of the stairs. The phone begins ringing again. I need to get out of this area, maybe the phone will provide answers. I run to the bedroom, slam the door and lock it behind me. I slide down the front of the door, and I pick up the phone. It's Rajah. "Hel-hello?" I sound shaky, I wonder if he notices "You need to get down here ASAP, we have a murder victim and the detectives are being very impatient." I don't think I can take anything else right now. "Can it wait?" Rajah speaks again. "Hey man you need to see this, she's missing an arm."