Precis - Zhenis' POV
In everything I do, I do my best to maintain an even wavelength, an unwavering consistency.
It gives me a sense of calm.
A sense of control.
It keeps my focus on the prize - whatever it is.
Maybe it's making sure I never depreciate to the liability I once was to my sister.
Maybe it's becoming a Zhenis that isn't skeptical when he makes it through a night without nightmares.
Whatever it is, why do I still feel that hard-earned control slipping through my fingers everytime I pay a little too much attention to my eating habits?
Or when I encounter that same face that haunted my days in highschool in a night terror?
Or when I don't do as well as I dared to hope I would in a project - at work or school?
It took so much for me to build myself up everytime the past knocked me down.
And yet, it takes only a nudge to send me spiralling.
We rest—a dream has power to poison sleep;
We rise—one wandering thought pollutes the day
I've grown accustomed to people calling me carefree, confident, cocky even; they take a glimpse at my nonchalant composure and chalk up my uncaring attitude to my openness about my gender and honestly, maybe I do like it that way.
I'd rather people judged me for making my involvement in the LGBTQIA+ community my whole perzonality than for my complex obsession with having any semblance of control in my life.
I keep a tall wall, one that is only penetrable during sex and never more than once. What is encountered beyond that obstacle is a person that I don't keep hidden, but curtained under mounds of hair dye and sex appeal.
To me, sex was an escape and nothing more.
I had my rules and boundaries, and men that weren't capable of abiding by them were looked over - not that there were many (desperation had its perks).
Sex was my release in more ways than one.
Because if there's anything I've learnt from rehab and therapy, it's that there is only so much comfort in pills and capsules.
There was nothing more exhilarating than bringing men that ordinarily would have sent my brain into a frenzy of panic to their knees.
Until I met him, and all the rules I once held sacred yeeted themselves out my asshole.
