Betrayal
“Hey, what are you doing here?” there was a pause as he realized I wouldn’t respond, “Are you okay?”
The unspoken silence was loud as his footsteps crushed the grass underneath his feet. I could feel his presence as he got closer. I wrapped my arms around my body as if to shield myself from him, as if to hide my shame. My cloak hid the dirt that leaked the information of where I’d been, but the sense of shame I felt seemed harder to hide.
Why couldn’t he just leave me alone? Why does he expect so much from me? It’s too much of a burden to bear!
The warmth of his hand seeped through my cloak as I stood beside the white castle pillar. The soft breeze of the warm summer afternoon raised light goosebumps along my arms. I could hear the birds chirping joyfully as they soared through the air. I wonder if I’ll ever feel that free, that secure in my own will and capabilities like them.
His hand softly squeezed my shoulder as if he knew he needed to bring me back to the present, back to him.
He’s asking too much.
His smooth and gentle voice didn’t demand as he asked me to open up to him. To tell him what was on my mind even though I’m sure he already knew what it was. What was bothering me.
“Tell me what is wrong, my love?” he coaxed my shoulder with his hand to turn me until I was facing him.
His eyes were as gentle as the breeze that swayed the warm air around us. Almost as if nature itself was lending its comfort to me in my state of uncertain vulnerability. The scent from the local hyssop fields caressed my senses as I looked upon him.
The King of my universe stood before me. Silently urging me to open up to him. But how dare I when I am nothing compared to him? How dare I be so vulnerable to the man who continually saves my life? Doesn’t he see me for what I truly am? Doesn’t he know I’m a liar, a trader?
My voice wobbled as I couldn’t seem to control the quiver of my lips “ I betrayed you!”
Immediately wet streaks marred my face as the fight to hold back tears was finally lost.
“How could you ask me that when I’ve betrayed you! You should be angry with me! Why aren’t you angry with me?” the frustration and confusion was clear in my face as I watched him slowly begin to smile.
A warmth spread from my heart throughout my chest and to the rest of my body. “Why are you smiling at me like that?!”
He began to laugh then. The joyful sound sent tingles throughout my body. The sun seemed to shine a bit brighter and the birds chirped almost as if laughing with him. How could he laugh like that? My heart twinged at the thought of him potentially laughing at me, at my shame.
His laughing slowly ceased and he looked up to the sky and simply smiled. He shook his head and turned to look at me. His face was now contemplative but there was still a hint of joy resting in his eyes.
“Are you sorry?”
My heart ached at the question. I’ve never felt more regretful of my actions in my life. I wanted to get down on my knees and pray that time could be rewinded so that I could choose better. I never want to make a choice that’d break his heart again. “I-i-I am so sorry.” snot slid from my nose and I was quick to wipe it away with the sleeve of my cloak.
I avoided eye contact, unsure of how he’d respond to now hearing my apology aloud. Would he reject it? Would he think it was fake? Will he ask me to leave his kingdom? My chest began to burn as my intake of breath quickened at that thought.
“I forgive you.” my head snapped up at his declaration, my breath halting altogether.
“What?? Just like that?? No lecture or punishment? Why??”
He shrugged and gave my hand a squeeze. “I mean there will be natural consequences to your actions but you said you’re sorry. And I can see that you mean it. And I’m sure you won’t do it again so…I forgive you.”
A heavy weight lifted off of my shoulder at his admission. I’m forgiven. He’s not angry with me! He doesn’t hate me!
My face burned from how wide my mouth was placed to smile at him. His eyes twinkled as he pulled me into his warm embrace. The feeling of his arms surrounding me and the sturdiness of his chest instilling in me a renewed sense of belonging. That is until a thought crosses my mind forcing me to pull away.
“But my King, I have something to admit.” he nodded, his face still as calm as the summer breeze.
The sound of the leaves ruffling on the tree’s took my interest as I thought of how to correctly word what I was going to say.
“When I made the choice…to visit our enemy’s encampment to make that deal. I felt no remorse. I went willingly. I genuinely felt that that was the better solution. That his advisors would be able to advise and supply better than you. I felt you were too slow in your choices. That you had become docile to my struggles…” his face didn’t change at my declaration, he only pulled me in for another hug.
The warmth of his embrace shielded me from the full impact of his next words “You don’t trust me enough yet. You’re still new to my ways and teaching and sometimes they will confuse you. You have to believe me when I say I know more than I allow you to know, and I take more actions than I allow you to see. You’re still new to me and who I truly am, but I’ve known you for a very long time. I know what you need. And you’ll just have to learn that with time.” his hand slowly rubbed my back as if soothing the subtle sting that came from his words.
“I love you kiddo, I’ve loved you for a long time, that will never change.” and that was the true balm to the truthful sting.
But can I love him as much as he loves me?
“But what if I betray you again? How long can your love last truly?” I asked not to have faith in my ability to truly and fully trust him or myself just yet.
“I will love you if you leave and when you come back, as I said nothing will change my love for you. No matter how many times you fail, how many times you fall. I will always be here waiting for you. I will pursue you till the ends of the earth if I have to. You are my daughter and I love you.” His shirt was stained with dirt and wet with tears and snot as I cried into his chest.
He still loves me.
